


Through the Window

by Tastefulcucumber



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anxiety Attacks, Bisexuality, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Dan Howell - Freeform, Dan plays basketball, Fluff, Highschool AU, M/M, Panic Attacks, Phil Lester - Freeform, Sneaking Around, Sneaking Out, Teen!Phil, Unsupportive father figures, teen!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 19:43:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 48,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4317405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tastefulcucumber/pseuds/Tastefulcucumber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil just moved in next door to Dan Howell, the amazing basketball star and winner of the best hair in mock elections. Phil can't help but noticing that a room in his new house has a window that leads straight into Dan's bedroom, and he happens to spend quite of bit of time in said room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Spy A Phil

Dan POV  
“Phil?” The black haired boy’s bright blue eyes looked through my bedroom window. He wasn’t outside of my house. He was actually inside of his own house, which he just moved into yesterday. 

You see, the house to the left of mine is only about two feet away. There is a small strip of weeds in between, then boom, you get the old brick house on the corner of Harvard Ave. My window happened to be placed right where the house next door placed there window. Which means, I can see right into the neighbor’s house.

The woman who lived in the old brick house died a few months ago. Her name was Stacy, and I didn’t really like her. She hit my dog before. You don’t really get along with people after they hit your family pet. I didn’t really care that she died.

I didn’t know Phil was going to be the new neighbor until this morning, when I saw him heaving boxes into the house. I did know Phil though. He went to school with me. He was a year ahead, and I didn’t really ever speak to him. He seemed nice enough though. *

Phil’s eyes lit up when he saw me, and he smiled, and waved furiously. I knew he couldn’t hear me, there being two walls and the outside world blocking us. Then behind him, a woman walked in. I presumed that she was Phil’s mother. Her hair was blonde and short, she had worry lines on her face. I jumped out of the way, so she wouldn’t see me. She glanced out the window; then she spoke to Phil, and he nodded. His mother walked out of the room, and he followed. But before he left the room completely, he took one last look in my direction. 

My cheeks grew hot, and I closed my shades. 

Phil POV

“Phil, go figure out what room you want.” I nodded excitedly. My Mother already picked out hers and dad’s room as the big master on the first floor. I heard the old woman who lived here before us died in that room. That’s totally disgusting that they would want to sleep there. My brother already claimed the big upstairs bedroom as his room, which made me kind of sad, because that’s the one I wanted. The house was a four bedroom house. Dad’s planning on turning the spare room into an office. But first I get to choose what room I want.

I walk into a small room, with blue painted walls, and faded wood flooring. I do a quick glance around the room. Then- my heart jumped out of it’s chest, as I saw someone through the window. I stared for what seemed like hours. Then my mind rapped itself around what I was look at. A boy was watching me through the window in the house next door to us. I walk up to the window, and wave to him. He looked somewhat familiar. Like I have seen him at school or something. His faced turned red and he smiled back. I returned his smile. 

“Phil?” I turn on my heel, and my heart rate speed up. Mum looked at me, then through the window, where the boy was. I looked out the window, and he was gone. “Oh no honey, this room is way to close to the other house. The neighbor’s can look right into here! No, go have the room upstairs. Dad will get something to put over the window and we’ll make this the office. People could see you dressing or something.”

“Right.” Is all I said.

She walked out the room, and I followed. But before I walked out, I glanced at the window again, and the brown haired boy returned. I smiled at him again, then walked out of the room, that I secretly wanted to claim as my own.


	2. Distractions

Phil POV

I realized who the boy in the window was the next day at school. Dan Howell: the school basketball star (and also winner of 2015’s Best Hair in the Mock Elections). He was a year below me; an eleventh grader in high school. I remember talking to him only one time, during lunch when one of his friends came over to my table, and he came with her. His friend came over to ask her boyfriend to sit with her and Dan, who accepted. On his way back to his table, Dan brushed up against me by accident, then apologized. “Oops, my bad.” It’s the only communication we’ve had. 

I saw him looking at me when I was at my locker today. I had a nagging suspicion that someone was watching me, then I turned around, and sure enough a pair of brown eyes were glancing in my direction. The eyes quickly scanned down to the floor, and his cheeks grew pink. 

Dan POV

“Heh, he noticed.” Louise whispered into my ear. I jumped, surprised that she notice my staring. 

“Who noticed?” I played dumb.

“The black haired kid that you were staring at, duh.” She glanced his way.

“No don’t catch his eye what are you doing!” I breathed under my breath. 

Louise smiled, then winked at me. She motioned me to come closer, and then whispered in my ear, “You fancy him.”

I pulled away quickly and frowned. “No!” I said loudly and defensively, my cheeks getting redder by the second.

“Yes! I can tell, you’ve been looking at him all day!” She responded in the same defensive voice.

“No I haven’t, you’re just mistaken.”

“You’re mistaken.” She mumbled under her breath.

Phil POV

Mum picked me up after school. We were going to unpack more boxes today. My room and the office was still in boxes. By the time we were done with both rooms, it was 9 P.M. 

“Well, I’m going to make something to eat. Do you want anything?” Mum asked, as the last box in the office was emptied. 

“Yes, please.”

The only thing left to do was to put a heavy curtain over the window. It was lying in front of the window; mum asked me to put it up for her. I took a quick glance out the window and I could see a brown puff of hair looking down at something inside the neighbor’s house. Then, the puff of hair stood up, and Dan’s eyes locked with mine, two walls away. He lifted up his hand, showing a pencil, and lifted up his other hand, showing me a notebook. He was doing his homework. 

It looked as if he was sitting down, so a table or desk might be in front of the window. 

I reached down and grabbed the curtains, letting Dan see what I was doing. He lifted a corner of his mouth, showing an adorable half smile, and then shrugged.

I slid the curtain into the rod and reached up to the top of the window. I had to stand on my toes to reach the top of the window. I adjusted the curtain, blocking my view of Dan. I moved the curtain to the side real quick, just to take one last look at my neighbor. He was still looking out the window. He saw me, and smiled. I returned the smile, and then closed the curtain, dividing us.

Dan POV

I was doing my homework later in the evening, as usual, and was happily free of distractions. My history test is this week, and the assignments are getting longer, and harder. I was completely focused until I just had to look up out the window. 

Phil was right there, in the window. We held our stare a bit longer than necessary, then I lifted up my workbook and pencil, showing him that I was actually being productive, and not just randomly starring at him like a creep. He bent down, and grabbed some dark blue cloth, and I realized he was putting a curtain up. ‘I won’t be able to see him with that curtain up!’ was my first thought. Then I realized that is way weird, and smiled as a response. He smiled back, then got to work putting up the curtain. 

I couldn’t concentrate on my work, knowing Phil was right there, in the window. I kept looking at him, as he fumbled with the curtain rod. I saw him hold the rod above his head, stretching his torso up, lifting up a side of his shirt. My eyes went directly to the uncovered skin and then straight down to my desk again. My cheeks grew hot, like they always do when I’m embarrassed. I looked up one more time, and I couldn’t see into my neighbor’s house anymore. Not until one side of the curtain moved over and then Phil was there, looking right at me. I smiled towards him, and before he closed the curtain on us, he smiled too.

I looked back down at my assignment. So much for being focused. The image of Phil’s bare skin kept replaying in my mind, and I knew I was never going to make any more progress with my homework tonight.


	3. Waiting

Dan POV  
I had basketball practice tonight, which I really didn’t want to go to. In all honesty, I never want to join basketball. That decision was my dad’s. He decided that just because I’m tall means that I am athletic too (which I’m not). The only reason I am actually good at basketball is because I’m about a foot taller then the rest of the team, and can somewhat shoot freethrows accurately. No one else on my team is good at anything, so the standards weren’t set very high for me to be the best player. If I had the guts to quit, I would.

I returned home around 8. It was a pretty late practice. We normally are done by 7. I threw my duffel bag onto my bed, and got out my homework. Straight from practice to homework, man I don’t want to even think about homework. I threw my notebook and textbook on the desk, and started reading about biosphere and nature and dumb things like that. It’s for biology, one of my least favorite classes. 

After about ten minutes of staring at my paper, I realized that I haven’t even finished one of the questions. I sigh and look out my window. 

My cheeks are getting red again because I spot Phil, scrunched up in something I like to call ‘the browsing position’ as he is playing on his laptop. I look back down at my work, then back up at Phil.

Maybe he can help me do my work? He doesn’t seem busy. And I think some help would be great. He seems like a smart guy. I don’t think he would mind if I asked him just a few questions and- oh who am I kidding I just want to have excuse to talk to Phil.

Phil POV

It might seem strange, but I’ve been waiting for Dan to show up at his window for three hours now. It’s around 7, and Dan still hasn’t shown up. I’ve opened the window curtain, and played on my laptop in the office well waiting.

I started to browse tumblr, and I couldn’t help but notice that the account ‘danisnotonfire’ with an icon of Dan’s face showed up on my ‘recommend blogs’ tab. 

There is some things you should never do. And stalking someone’s tumblr who you know in real life is one of them. As I browsed his page, I realized three things. The first is that he is totally meme trash. Like, Nyan cat and Pepe the frog meme trash. The second thing I realized is that his blog is kind of popular. He actually gets asks and responds to them publicly. I, personally, never get asks. Then the third thing I learned is that Dan is either a super! ally for the Gay community, or he’s not straight. That fact strangely made me excited.

I know I went to far checking his tumblr, but I couldn’t help myself. There is no way that I am going to follow him, because my username happens to be ‘amazingphil’. And there isn’t too many kids today with the name Phil. I think he would be able to tell that I was the one who followed him.

Suddenly I saw a light flicker on in the corner of my eye, and my head snapped to the window. It was 8 P.M., and Dan finally returned home. 

He dumped a duffel bag on the floor or something, and walked over to somewhere where I couldn’t see him. I looked away from the window. I can’t keep looking at him, if he catches me looking at him all the time he’ll think I’m weird or something. I saw in the corner of my eye that he is sitting at his table or desk or whatever is in front of the window, with his head down. He must be doing homework again.

Dan suddenly looked up, and before he saw me staring, I looked back at my laptop. I refused to look at the window until I heard a tap tap tap. My head darted to the source of the noise. Dan was leaning out his opened window, tapping on mine. My heart gave a jump.


	4. Why is Dan is my House?

Phil POV

I ran up to the window, because A. Dan was here! And B. Dan was about to fall out of his own window and into the two feet space which is our yard. I pushed the window open, and got out of the way. Dan slid his torso into the window, then did an awkward flop onto the floor. 

“Hey.” He said, exasperated. 

“Hi there.” 

Dan got off the floor and brushed himself off.

“So, how are you?” He asked.

“Well, thanks.” There was a pause, and then I just started laughing. 

It took a few moments but then Dan joined in on the laughter, until we both slid to the floor, Dan’s hands in his face, my arms stretched out behind me, holding up my body.

“So what’s the reason for your visit, Dan.” I asked him, seriously. He lifted his head from his hands.

“Oh, um. Well I couldn’t exactly concentrate on my homework, so I decided, why not just jump through Phil’s window?”

“Well, I can’t argue with that logic.”

He smiled, and it was my turn to blush. Dan Howell just jumped through my window because of no other reason than he wanted to. I took the moment of silence to admire just how adorable Dan really is. His eyes were small, and bright brown. His nose is long, but soft at the tip. His mouth is smiling, and his dimple is deep set into the corner of his mouth. His brown hair flopped not so elegantly over his head, and right now it was a complete mess from his climbing through two windows adventure. He is a little more than adorable, he is nothing less than majestic. 

“Urgh, my hairs a mess.” He mentions, and then runs his fingers all through it. My heart gave another lunge. 

“Don’t worry about it. It looks fine.”

“Your lying” Dan says teasingly.

“Okay maybe just a tad messy.” And we both laugh. I can’t think of what else to say. Which really is a first, because I always know what to say in all kinds of situations. So I think of something neither him or me would want to do. “Do you need help with your homework though Dan? I could help you.”

“Um yeah. That would be great. It’s biology though, and I’m no good at it.”

“I was!” I really was, it was one of my favorite classes.

“Just tell me what you’re working on.”

“Well, my textbook and everything’s in my room. I’ll go grab it.” 

“Okay.”

And then Dan slid out my window, and ungracefully into his own bedroom.

“Eck!” I heard Dan thump agasint something.

“You alright?” I call through the window.

“Yep, there’s a desk right in front of the window, and I kind of forgotten that.”

I chuckled to myself, and waited for Dan to collect his things. 

“I’m going to try something else.” I heard him call.

“What are you going to try?”

“Just a new way of getting through the window. Here take these!” Dan’s arms, filled with a book and notebook, reached through the window. I got up and met him half way, taking the supplies out of his arms.

“Okay lets see…” Dan said just soft enough so I could barely hear him. “Okay watch out.”

And Dan swung into my window, feet first, landing straight up. He held out his arms to balance himself, then smiled. 

“Heh, that was cool. I just did that.” 

“Yeah that was pretty impressive.” I commented, because it was.

“Okay so you got my stuff,” He took the supplies from my hands, and dropped them unceremoniously to the floor. He sat criss-cross-applesauce on the floor, and I joined him.

Phil’s Mum’s POV

“Heh, no that’s the nightosphere, not a biosphere!” Phil was in the office, with the door shut.

“Like you know the diffrence.” I didn’t recognize the voice.

Laughter

“Phil?” I opened the door, and saw Phil and some boy I’ve never even seen before leaned over a notebook on the floor. Papers were scattered all over the floor, and the unknown boy was holding a textbook.

“What’s going on? Whose this?”

“Oh, this is Dan. He’s our neighbor actually.”

I looked at Dan, and then back at Phil.

“Well you know that it’s almost eleven o’clock right Phil?” He took out his phone, and his eye grew wide.

“Oh no sorry mum I, I didn’t.” 

“It’s alright. But Dan needs to go home now.” 

“Okay mum.” 

Dan’s POV

“Okay mum.” I heard Phil stutter.

And with that, Phil’s mum walked out of the room.

“She seemed surprised.” I mentioned.

“Yeah, I normally don’t have friends over, especially not at eleven at night.”

“Yeah the time flew didn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I better get going.”

“Yeah.” Phil looked sad. His looking sad made me feel bad. He didn’t want me to leave, and I didn’t want to go. 

“Can I hop over your window tomorrow too?” I asked him. Phil’s face lit up at the idea. 

“Yeah, or you know, you could walk over.”

“Hah, who would want to do that when they could take the easy way?” And with that, I climbed over the window. “Okay this is going to be harder.”

“Be careful.” I heard Phil call out behind me. I blushed, like always. I remembered the desk was in the way, and I fell on top of it, and rolled of lamely.

“Oh here!” I heard Phil say, through the window. I saw him leaning out of the window, carrying the books I left. “Here.” And I took them from him. 

“Goodnight Phil.” I began to shut my window.

“’Night Dan.” And I shut the window completely. I watched as Phil shut his too. Then the curtain to his window covered my view of him. 

I wish Phil’s mum never walked in.


	5. Have You Been Ignoring Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I wrote this in the middle of the night on my phone then didn't check for spelling or grammar whatsoever so bare with this one because I'm too lazy to do so. :p

Dan POV  
Phil didn’t speak to me once. I was so prepared to sit with him at lunch, or maybe have a quick chat in the hall, but he never once looked in my direction. Well all I have to say about that is fuck you too Phil. Is it that you think your better than me? Am I not cool because I’m not a grand ‘ol senior like you? Fuck. You.

Phil POV

Dan hasn’t even said hello to me today. I was expecting him to stop me in the hallway or something, but he never did. Maybe he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public?! Maybe I did something wrong last night? I’ll see if I can get his attention later tonight maybe.

Dan POV

It was almost ten at night when I heard tapping at my window. A muffled “Dan” was heard from outside. I was sitting on my bad, sulking about how Phil doesn’t like me, my hand fiddling with a string on my blanket. I looked up to see him, outside my window, waving for me to open it.

Oh so now he wants to talk to me? He seemed pretty keen on ignoring me at school today. But I know I shouldn't let him stay there, arms balanced on my window sill. I go over and open the window.

“Oh look who wants to talk to me.” I sounded like a snotty first grader.

“Er, yes! I didn’t see you at school today so I figured I’d drop by.”

I instantly felt stupid. He’s not ignoring me, or at least not on purpose. I have a knack of jumping to conclusions. 

“Hop in.” I tell him, and he slides into the room much more gracefully than I did last night.

“To be honest I thought you were ignoring me.” Phil said lightheartedly.

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Phil said quieter.

“I thought you were the one ignoring me!”

“I guess we were ignoring each other – I didn’t wake you up did I?” Phil seemed to notice that I was already changed out of my school clothes and into some sweatpants and a tshirt. 

“No, I’ve just been laying here,” I gestured to my unmade bed, “listing to some music.” 

“Oh yeah? What kind of music are you into?” 

“Er- gosh- everything?”

Phil smiled, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I know, lets play a game called, ‘what’s on Dan’s I pod?’.”

“Heh, sure.” I grabbed my phone off of the bed, and went into the music app.

“First song represents…” Phil started.

“Your secret desires!” I finished.

He chuckled. 

Then the song, “Price Tag” came up.

“Ohh, what do you think that means?” I ask him.

“It means that my secret desire is to get clothes for cheap?”

“Lame!”

“Your turn!” Phil announced.

“Okay this song means…” I began

“This song is what you’re future has in store.” Phil shouts.

“Ohh how deep, Phil.” I said sarcastically.

“Yeah, I’m just that Zen.”

I pressed next, and the song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” started playing.

“Oh shit that’s my life for you.” I pouted. 

“No! You’re going to have the exact opposite future of this song then!” Phil proudly stated.

“But you already said this is what my future has in store!” 

“Well, I take it back.”

“There is no take backs.”

“You know, I’m trying to defend you’re future, and you’re just trying to keep it sucky.”

I rolled my eyes, but smiled too, so it wouldn’t look too rude.

Phil POV 

Dan and I played with the music for quite a bit. We only stopped when Dan announced that it was one in the morning, and we have school tomorrow. 

“Shit, look at the time!” He said, and shoved his phone in my face.

“Oh wow, that was fast.”

“Faster than yesterday.”

“Much!”

“Well, I better get going then.” I was starting to get tired, but I also didn’t want to leave.

“Yeah.” I could tell this was a repeat from last night, because Dan didn’t seem so happy about my leaving either. 

“We should hang out more.” And Dan nodded. “I like hanging out with you.”

Dan kept his head towards the ground, but I could tell that he was embarrassed by my flattering. And it was so gosh darn cute.

“Bye, back to my side of the window.” And I climbed up on his desk, stuffing myself through the portal between my house and his. 

Dan POV

As Phil climbed out of my room, my eyes couldn’t help but glance at his butt that was just sticking out of the window. I instantly went under my covers, hiding my shame that I looked.


	6. I Couldn't Sleep

Dan POV

When Phil left yesterday, I realized two things. The first thing I realized is that there are actually good, fun people in the world, and the world isn’t full of terrible monsters known as the average person. The second thing I realized is that I definitely like him in a more than friendly way. 

My alarm clock woke me up four hours after I finally fell asleep. My hand missed the snooze button at least five times, until I just decided to swat it to the ground. 

“Erhh…” Maybe I could skip today, just one day wouldn’t hurt.

“Dan!” I heard a faded shout from somewhere else in the house. Then a a few moments later, my mum barged into my room, and flipped on the light.

“Nooo…” I mumbled, face in my pillow.

“Yessss, time to get up.” And she came over to wear I was sleeping, and took the pillow out from under my head. 

“Hiss.” I said, not actually hissing.

“Come on, you’ll be late!” 

“Can I not go to school today?” I sat up in my bed, rubbing my eyes.

“That’s up to you. But if you don’t, then it’s not my fault you’ll fail all your classes, not get into University, and spend the rest of your life pumping gas or worse, selling cars.” She started poking me in the arms.

“Alright I’m up, go away please.” And with that she walked out of the room, and shut the door behind her.

I think, just today, I’ll take a little time off from school. A mental health day. 

Tap Tap Tap. 

 

Phil POV

I never went to sleep last night. I went into my bedroom at one in the morning last night, and stared at the ceiling. Last night was fun. I didn’t really want to leave, I wish that the time could just stop and I could stay in Dan’s room for as long as possible. In the wee hours of the night, my mind kept going back to Dan right as I was drifting off to sleep.

“Phil?” I heard my mum open my door a crack.

“I’m up!”

“Okay, are you alright? You never sleep in so late.” Little did she know I never went to bed.

“Yeah, just tired still.” My voice was horse.

“You know, you don’t sound good.” I stayed silent. “Do you feel up for school today?” 

“Not really.” 

“Well, I won’t force you. I still have to go into work though, are you sure you’ll be alright?”

“Yeah. I’m just going to go back to sleep then.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in a few hours.” And she left the room.

I laid in bed for what felt like a few more hours, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to see Dan. I didn’t know if he left for school already, but it was worth a shot. I walked out my bedroom door and looked down the hall, trying to see if anyone was still in the house. I didn’t hear or see anything, so I guess the coast is clear. 

I half walk/ half run to the office, and push the curtain to the window aside. I couldn’t see anyone in the room, so I opened my own window, and scooted farther outside, so I could see if he was in there or not. I saw what seemed to be a lump that could be feet in a bed, and a closed door. If I just tap on the window, no one would here me, like his mum or something. I don’t know if he’s in there or not, but if he is, would he be happy to see me? 

I gathered my courage and tapped lightly against the glass.  
Dan POV

That couldn’t be Phil at my window. It must be eight already, and I can’t see him skipping school. I’m just hearing things.

Tap tap tap

I opened my eyes, and sat up slowly. I crawled to the end of my bed, so I could get a clear view to window.

Black haired, glasses wearing, playful smiling Phil was at my bedroom window once again. Even though the thought of getting up to open the window was just awful, the idea of knowing Phil was waiting for me to open it was worse. So I groggly got out of my bed, and wallowed to the window, unlocking the latch and letting him in. 

“Dan! You’re here!” 

“Yes… I probably should be at school though. Along with you.” I said, my voice reflecting my groggy state.

“Dan?” 

Phil POV

“Dan?” My heart lunged out of it’s chest, because it wasn’t me to call his name. I saw the door knob wiggle, and within a heart beat, I through myself back into the office, covering the window with it’s curtains. 

“You’re not even close to ready!” I heard a womans sharp voice scold. 

“I’m getting there, mum.” Dan muttered. “And please don’t just barge in on me, what if I was getting dressed?”

“I’ve seen your bum before Daniel, and I rather see it in you’re uniform, thanks!”

Dan groaned, “Mummm will you just leave.”

“Get ready. Or I’m going to work without you.” I heard the door squeak, but it didn’t shut all the way. His mum was exiting the room.

“I have an idea.” I heard Dan say, and the door squeaked back open. “I don’t really want you to be late to work on my behalf. So how about today I bike to school.” 

“No Daniel, you and I both know that if I leave without you, you wouldn’t be going anywhere.” 

“No I swear I will, just go to work, and I’ll bike to school, and catch most of my lessons.” 

“You better not be lying to me.”

“I’m not!”

“Here, I’ll tell you what. When I come back here on my lunch break, I’m going to check to see if you’re gone, okay? If you’re uniform isn’t off this floor, and you’re bikes still in this garage, then we are going to have a problem.”

“Ergh! Yes! Okay mum! Just trust me, I’ll bike to school! I promise!”

“Okay… I’ll be checking later to see if you’re right.” 

“I promise, I swear to God that I will go to school. Now we both know you need to leave for work now, or you’ll be late.”

“Okay Daniel, I’m trusting you.”

“Thank you.” And with that, I heard the door slam shut. I stood facing the curtain for a few minutes, until I heard the soft rumble of an engine, then-

“Phil, you still there?” 

“Yeah.”

“Did you hear?”

“Yeah?” 

“Well then don’t just stand there, help me!” 

I was confused for a moment, until I opened the window, and saw Dan heaving a backpack over the ledge.

I took it then asked, “So are you going to hide in my house then?”

“That’s the plan.” And then as I placed the bag onto the floor, Dan held out his uniform. 

“What about you’re bike?” I asked him. “You told you’re mum you were biking to school.”

“Oh yeah. I probably should have told her I would walk.” 

“You can write her a note saying ‘hey I walked instead of rode my bike, im at school trust me’ or something to the likeness.” 

“Yeah good plan.” And I watched him grab a sticky note from his desk and scribble a note.

“You’re mum home? I just realized I should have asked that first.” 

“No she left for work. She’ll be back around five though." 

“Okay then I’m coming in.” 

And as he tossed himself into the office, I realized something very quickly. Dan wasn’t wearing a shirt.


	7. Dan Howell Is In My Bedroom Shirtless

Dan POV

I just jumped into Phil’s house shirtless. 

“Do you want to borrow a shirt by the way?” Phil asked, in a make-fun kind of way.

“Shit. Um. I can wear my uni shirt.” I looked down at my bare chest and blushed. How did I realized that I wasn’t wearing one?

“Ew. No it’s okay, I can get you a T-Shirt.”

“Or I could, you know, go in my room and get a T-Shirt.”

“Yeah but you’re already here, so why climb through the window again when I have a perfectly good shirt you could wear.”

“Well, I guess I can’t argue with that logic.”

Phil walked out of the office, and I felt the need to follow him. He led me into a hallway, then into the kitchen. I looked around as we passed through his house. His kitchen was quite big, with a small breakfast table in the corner. The yellow painted walls helped my mind wake up a little bit. In the corner of the kitchen was a staircase, which Phil started climbing. Erh stairs. We climbed up to a small family room. It was carpeted with a small loveseat and flatscreen tv both smushed into a corner. A bookshelf leaned on the opposite wall. We walked straight past the small nook, into another hall. We passed three doors, on both sides of the hallway until Phil stopped at the forth. 

“My room.”

And he opened the door. I don’t now what I expected Phil’s room to look like, but it wasn’t this. His walls were ugly blue and green wallpaper, and his bedspread matched, with a blue and green checkered pattern. He had a dresser and stand up mirror in one corner of the room, and on top of the dresser was a small TV that looked like it belonged in the 80’s. 

Phil opened a drawer of his dresser, and fumbled through it.

“What’s your favorite color?”

“Black.”

“Black? Okay take this.” And he threw me a black shirt with the words: Be who you want to be! And a picture of a cartoon t-rex dancing, with a cartoon disco ball over its head.

I chuckled. “This is the only black shirt I have!” Phil whined defensively. 

“I like how the only black shirt you have is this one. It tells a lot about your personality.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well you are a super positive person who brights up the room without trying. You make people feel special.” I said as I pulled the shirt over my head. When he didn’t respond right away, my brain went into ‘jumping to conclusions mode’. 

Was I too forward? Oh gosh he thinks I’m weird! I shouldn’t have said that! I need to apologize! What if he wants me out of his house right away! Oh man I really actually like him though. Fuck! I just ruined our developing friendship with my shittyness!

“Aww, that’s adorable Dan! Thank you.” The face he did reminded me of the (ᵔᴥᵔ) emoji. 

Fuck, I need to stop blushing!

Phil POV

I couldn’t stop staring at his chest. As we made our way into my room, my heart pounded faster and harder. I was almost reluctant of giving him a shirt at all. I wouldn't mind seeing Dan without a shirt for a bit longer. Oh my gosh what am I saying?! Oh my God stop looking at him! I could feel myself sweating with anxiety. Dan was in my bedroom shirtless.

I dug through my dresser, trying to find a shirt he may like. Noticing that I have every color of the rainbow, I ask, “What’s your favorite color?” 

“Black.” Black? That’s such a sad color! It’s so depressing and so- wait? Do I even own a black shirt? Oh there’s one. “Black? Okay take this.” And I threw it to him without looking at what was on it.

He straightened it out and I realized it’s that shirt. 

“That’s the only black shirt I have!” I had to let him know that I wasn’t that lame. But how? Oh man, I don’t want Dan Howell, winner of 2015’s Best Hair in Mock Elections to think I am lame-

“I like how the only black shirt you have is this one. It tells a lot about your personality.” 

“Oh yeah? Like what?” 

“Well you are a super positive person who brights up the room without trying. You make people feel special.” Oh gosh. 

He likes me! 

“Aww, that’s adorable Dan! Thank you.”

Maybe. Or maybe not! Oh gosh I bet he doesn’t! I’m just being stupid! Man he doesn’t like me! But he might… But he might not!… Why did I say that! 

But then I noticed a pink color in his cheeks. Maybe… He does like me?


	8. Dan Left His Uniform On My Office Floor

Phil POV

“Hey, look at this!” I crawled under my bed and pulled out my cordless drill. “Manly right?”

Dan laughed, “Oh yeah, you’re room is just wreaking of man essence. With you’re stuffed lions on the bed and you’re floral green wallpaper.”

“It is! I am one hundred percent man!” My voice went high, ruining my accusation. 

“You’re about as manly as I am, Phil.” He said tiredly.

I took that as a complement. I pushed my drill back under my bed, and sat down on the bed, and Dan sat down next to me. I looked over at Dan, and noticed how close he was to me. His face was only as small distance away from. My eyes darted all around his face, taking in his features. 

I didn’t really know how I feel about Dan. I’ve never been this… attracted… to anyone. Personality wise, or physical, Dan’s the best person I’ve ever met sense… 

No- I really don’t want to think about that. 

“Are you tired Phil?” Dan asked me.

“Well, honestly I haven’t had a wink of sleep last night, but I’m not really tired, no.” And it was true. How could I sleep now knowing Dan was next to me? My heart rate is already faster than if I was running a marathon. “Are you?”

“A bit, yeah.” And then he yawned, and stretched out his long arms. My eyes darted to his biceps then quickly away again. I need to stop looking at him!

“You can sleep if you want.”

“No.. No it’s okay.” And he yawned again. I didn’t want Dan to stay awake when he was this sleepy at my expense.

“Well, I can tell you’re really sleepy, do you just want to watch some tv or something?” 

“Yeah, okay.” 

I got up and grabbed the remote on the dresser. I looked back to the bed, were Dan was rearranging himself. He scooted up to the corner of the bed, against the wall, and put his knees to his chest, curling his long fingers around his legs. My hands started to get clammy.

I joined Dan, scooting to the wall, but I curled my legs under each other: criss-cross-applesauce. I turned on the tv guide, and handed Dan the remote. He unwrapped his hands from his legs, and took the remote from me. He picked something called, “Wedding Crashers Xtreme”. 

“Nice choice.” I commented.

“It’s great. These women get all bitchy because the day of the wedding all these things start breaking and the disk jockey starts playing the wrong music and shit; and then the brides start blaming their dogs and the mailman for all their problems, when actually it’s like, Taylor Swift, ruining the wedding. It is probably the best thing on Cable TV.” 

“Sounds fantastic.” I said sarcastically. 

“It is.”

So we started to watch Kelly Clarkson put baking soda and vinegar into wedding cakes, along with a bunch of equally ridiculous pranks, for the next half hour. 

As the next episode of Wedding Crashers Xtreme started playing, I felt Dan’s hair go into my neck. I held my breath, and glanced down at him. His head was leaned into my shoulder, and his mouth was slightly open. He was asleep. On me. 

I froze, my body tensed. What do you do in this situation? Should I just let him lie on me? I can’t just kick him off. I don’t really want to do that either. I should just relax. 

I tried to slack my shoulders, but it took a few minutes for my body to relax. My brain buzzed, and my eyes kept darting to Dan, sound asleep against my shoulder. I closed my own eyes and relaxed my head against his. 

Dan POV

“Phil! I’m home!” My head snapped up, Phil’s mum was home. I looked around at my surroundings, and noticed I was in a precarious position. I was basically laying on top of Phil, his arm swung around my waist. His fringe was swung across his forehead messily. I pushed myself off of him, and then grabbed his shoulders.

“Phil!” I whispered aggressively. “Phil!”

“Mmm?” He calmly responded.

My heart rate has never been so high, and a nervous sweat trickled down my back. My breath quickened. Phil’s mum was home. And there was a strange boy in her son’s bedroom, who is supposedly home sick.

“Your mum is here Phil, what do I do!” I said low and urgantly.

His eyes snapped open, and then he lifted himself off the bed. 

“Go! I’ll- I’ll distract her!” His voice was hushed and worried. He walked out of the room.

I waited until I heard that he was all the way downstairs before I ran down, pausing at the kitchen, to check where Phil’s mum was. I didn’t see her in the kitchen, so I ran through there, and down the hall, and into the office. The window was still opened, and I pushed the curtains open aggressively. I jumped out the window, landing in the yard between houses. I pulled myself up into my room, and flopped over my desk. I landed on the floor with a flop

“Oh my god.” I breathed to myself. I was out of breath, and panting on the floor. 

“Oh my God!” I sat up quickly, my eyes widened in terror.

I left my backpack and uniform in the office.

Phil’s Mum POV

There was a pile of clothes on the office floor. Why would Phil just leave his uniform in the office like that? He’s sick in bed too. Maybe he decided to go to school after all, and just left his uniform in the office for some reason? But he looked quite sick this morning, I don’t think he would have gone to school.

“Phil!” I started up the stairs. “I’m home!” 

“Phil” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Phil” Someone was in Phil’s room.

“Your mum is here Phil what do I do” 

I backed away from my son’s room, and slowly and quietly went back downstairs. This isn’t something Phil would do. He would just skip school then invite someone over. My head swarmed with possible scenarios, until I realized something important. The person in the room was a boy. Not a girl. So it’s not like Phil was doing anything- bad- when I was at work. 

Maybe a friend just came to check on him, knowing he was sick? But why would they care that I came home then? Probably because Phil didn’t ask me first. I started to calm down. Yeah, It was probably a friend checking on him because they knew he was ill. I looked at my watch. It was almost five, and school would have been out by now. That has to be what’s going on.

I went into the living room, and sat on the couch. A few moments later, I heard footsteps come down the stairs. I saw my flushed son try to walk calmly into the living room. I shouldn’t mention that I know someone else is here. He pause at the end of the hall. 

“Hey mum!” I could tell that he was nervous.

“You feeling better?”

“Much, thanks for letting me stay home.” I bit the inside of my cheek.

“Well I didn’t want you feeling bad at school.”

“Yeah.”

Behind Phil, A boy ran into the hall and through the door that led into the office. His brown hair whipped past the corner. I recognized him. It was just the neighbor kid. I let out a sigh of relief. It was just a friend checking up on him. Then I remember the uniform lying messily on the floor.

The boy was wearing Phil’s shirt.


	9. He's Hiding Something

Phil POV

I tried to walk as calmly as I could into the office, and then shut the door behind me. My eyes darted to Dan’s things, and I gathered them in my hands, planning on tossing them into Dan’s room. I pushed the curtain aside, and through them out my window and into his. I shut the window, and curtains, then sat down on the floor.

Did she see all Dan’s stuff laying here? She was only in the living room when I got downstairs, so that’s probably unlikely. And if she did, maybe she thought it was mine? She didn’t say anything about it either. My heart rate returned to a normal pace, and I realized I’m worrying about nothing. Why do I even care if she knows Dan was here? Hasn’t she seen him before? 

I walked back out to the living room once I calmed down. Mum was still sitting on the couch, she had the newspaper in her hand. She looked up at me.

“Sit down.” She said, as she laid the newspaper on the coffee table next to her. I took a seat in one of the living chairs. 

“I know you’re almost an adult, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything, even after you’ve left the house and start your own life.” 

What was she going on about?

“Right?”

“Alright. So,” she hesitated, “Do you have anything to tell me? Anything personal. Anything you’ve might have found out about yourself?”

Now I’m really confused. What was she trying to mention? Anything about myself? This didn’t have anything to do with having Dan over without asking. 

“Not that I know of?” 

“Right, well, if you ever want to talk about something, I’m here.” 

“Uh, what are you going on about, mum?” I had to ask. I really have no idea what this conversation has to do with anything.

“Did you have a friend over today?” Yes, but I don’t see how that has to do with ‘finding myself’. 

“For a second actually. A friend from school came to check on me, when I didn’t show up. Sorry I didn’t ask you if it was okay first.” 

“Oh, no that’s okay. It’s nice that you have friends that care about you.”

“Right.” I shifted uncomfortably in my chair.

Phil’s Mum POV

I can tell when my son is lying to me, and he’s doing so right now. He kept looking everywhere but my eyes, and he was squirming in the chair. His voice was shaky, along with his hands. It didn’t take a mastermind to know when he wasn’t being truthful. Or maybe he was hiding something. I know he had a friend over, I saw so. But he was covering up something. And I think I know what.

Phil POV

I didn’t lie fully. I did have a friend over today, and she said herself that it wasn’t a big deal. So why am I shaking like this? 

“I’m going to start supper.” Mum got up and left me in the living room.

I went back into my room, and laid down on the bed. I stopped shaking, and I cleared my head. I did nothing wrong, so why was I acting like it? I put my face into the blanket, and remember that Dan laid here. I sighed. I think I’ll invite Dan over on Friday, and actually ask mum if it’s okay. Dan could actually enter my house through the front door. Mum might invite him to have dinner with us. Maybe we could have a sleepover, like how I used to with-

I lifted my head out of my blanket. I need to stop thinking about Him. I’ll start crying like always. Which is really stupid.

It’s been two years, but I still miss Him like crazy. But there isn’t anything I can do because He’s gone. My mind raced back to when we would do our homework together, and when we used to play video games in my old bedroom. He would call his mum using the home phone, asking if it was okay to stay over. We would stay up until midnight playing board games and making up stories. 

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I aggressively wiped my eyes on my sleeve. Then I breathed a laugh. If He was here, He would make fun of me for crying over Him. He would tell me to get over it. ‘Get over it Phil, I’m dead, get a life.’ I could hear His voice mocking me in my head. I exhaled a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding.


	10. Phil, Your Mum Thinks Your Gay

Dan POV

“Did you get into trouble last night?” 

“No- She actually asked me if someone had came over though. I told her yes that a friend came over real quickly just to check on me. She didn’t ask anymore questions though.” 

I was walking with Phil down the school hallway. It was lunch, and neither of us felt the need to go to the cafeteria. I was following Phil, so I didn’t know where we were going, if we were going anywhere. We could just be wandering the halls. 

“Don’t you think it’s weird how she asked if anyone was over?”

“Yeah.”

I know she had have scene my shit on the floor of the office. She would have seen my uni and backpack, but after thinking about it last night, I realized I was being over dramatic again, and that it wasn’t a big deal.

“She probably saw my backpack.” 

“Yeah. Oh, and she also started going on about something that didn’t have anything to do with inviting a friend over.”

“Like what?”

“She told me I could tell her anything, then asked me if I ‘Found Out’ anything about myself. Whatever that means.” Phil did air quotes as he said ‘Found Out’. 

Found out anything about himself? Yesterday, my crap was on the floor, which she probably saw. Hell, she probably scene me go into the office. The way we acted, sneaking around… We were in Phil’s bedroom, with the door closed, and when she came home we flipped out, she might have even heard us flip out…

“Phil she thinks you’re gay.”

“What?!” He stopped in the middle of the hall and turned to look at me. “Why do you think that?”

“She asked you if you ‘found out’ anything about yourself.” I did air quotes around ‘found out’. “She saw my uniform. Laying on the floor. With an open window. Leading to my bedroom. We were sneaking around in you’re house when she came home. She probably saw me. Not wearing my uniform, but wearing your shirt. Coming out of your bedroom. When she was supposedly at work.” I can’t believe Phil didn’t think of this once she asked him about ‘finding’ himself.

“Shit.”

“Or I could be totally wrong and she was talking about something totally different.”

“Shit.” He repeated.

“So what are you going to say to her?”

“Nothing, probably. What in the world would I say to her?!” Phil shook his head.

“How about: hey mum, I’m not gay! That would be a good start.” 

I purposefully said this. My heart started to beat faster as I waited for his response. 

“No, I don’t want to say that! Then she would ask why I said that! What if we’re wrong at she doesn’t think that at all!” 

Shit. I was honestly hoping for a, “Well that would just be lying.” Or, “Well I could be just a little bit.”. But I guess Phil’s not like that. Which is okay. I guess. Not really. I’m not okay.

“I’m literally always right.” I boosted.

“I doubt that you are always right.”

“Don’t doubt me.”

I really don’t want to walk with Phil anymore. I can see that our ‘friendship’ is one sided, and I rather not have him find out the side I’m on. He’ll freak out of he figured out that I kind of maybe like him just a little. Or a lot. 

Shit. I like him quite a bit more then I try to put off. And he basically said he wasn’t… attracted… to me. 

“Fuck…” I whispered under my breath. I didn’t realize I said it out loud until Phil responded.

“What?”

“Oh, um nothing.” I looked down to my shoes.

“No, what’s wrong?” Phil pressured.

“Nothing!”

“People don’t just swear randomly, well, maybe some do.” He paused for a second. “But that’s not the point.”

“I was just thinking, that…” Er… “That what if I am wrong. You know, how about you just don’t say anything.” 

“Okay. I won’t. I’ll just live the rest of my life feeling awkward in front of my mother now.”

“Good plan.”

“No it isn’t!” Phil whined.

“So what are you going to say! ‘Hey mum, I didn’t have a boy over (sexually that is) when you were at work or anything’?”

“Alright! Alright lets stop talking about this.” 

“Good.” I responded.

“I know!” Phil burst out after a few seconds of silence.

“What do you know?”

“You should come over Friday, with my mum actually knowing you’re there. Then we can just be super platonic with each other and she’ll stop thinking that anything happened yesterday!”

“Okay… And if we do that, and she doesn’t think like we think she thinks, then crisis averted.” 

“Okay so come over Friday after school?” 

“Yeah.”

“And I’ll actually ask mum if it’s alright.”

“Of course.”

“And I already know she would say yes.”

“Okay.”

The first bell rang, signaling five minutes until class starts up again.Students started flocking the hall, and we said our goodbyes. 

I kept thinking about Phil during Biology. I still want to hang out with him, even after he mentioned that he wasn’t- not strait. Or maybe I was just hearing things, and he actually does like me like I though originally. When we were rudely awaken at his house yesterday, I remember the precarious position we were in. His arms were wrapped around me. My head was in his shoulder, and my body was almost fully on top of his. I started to visibly get red, and attempted to stop thinking about him. 

Which I failed miserably at.


	11. I Can't Catch A Break With This Family

Dan POV

“Then he said, ‘No I don’t want to say that’ and that was worried that’s not what his mum thinks at all.” 

Louise nodded her head as I talked. 

“So I don’t think he’s, you know.” I continued.

“Ill ask him.” Louise said confidently.

“What no!” She can’t just ask him! He’s not I know he’s not! 

“Why? We have Human Anatomy together. I could ask him then.”

“No! He’s not! I’m sure he’s not!” I flustered.

“He never said, ‘I am strait and have no intention of ever even liking someone of my own gender’ has he?”

“Well, no. But you can’t just ASK him!” My voice lingered on the word ‘ask’.

“Okay, okay. I won’t.” She rolled her eyes.

“Thank you.”

We were seated in the back of cafeteria, away from our normal crowd. A little bit ago I asked Louise in the lunch line if we could sit alone today, and she happily agreed. I’m suprized no one sat down with us yet. I normally sit with Louise, some of her friends, and then some of the people on my basketball team. We never sit alone.

“Hey bros!” And I spoke too soon. Three people from our normal crowd just got out of the lunch line, and joined us at our table.

I guess that’s the end of our conversation… I don’t feel comfortable talking about Phil to anyone else besides Louise. We have been friends for a long time now, and I consider her my only real friend. Even Phil wouldn’t be able to replace what Louise and I have. It’s almost like a brother-sister relationship. I tell her my problems, she tells me hers.

Phil POV

When I got home, mum was there. She was in the living room watching the news on TV.

“You’re home late.” She commented. It was only five, and the only reason I’m not home at three is because I was in the library looking up which universities I might want to go to.

“Yeah, I was at the library.”

“Oh really?” Her voice was cold.

“Yeah? Really. Why?” Why was she acting this way? What did I do? Oh no. It’s because what Dan told me yesterday isn’t it?

“No reason.”

“Right… Well I’m going to go to my room now.”

“Okay. I’ll make some supper here pretty soon.”

“Sounds good.” And I went down the hall to the kitchen and I was about to go up the stairs when I heard a chuckle.

“Why’s mum pissed at you?” I turned around and my brother appeared out of what seemed to be thin air.

“Hey you’re home!” My brother is in University right now, so it’s a surprise to see him. 

“Yeah, classes got cancelled. Bomb threat. No biggy.”

“Actually that is a pretty big deal, but if you don’t think so-“ I started.

“No, you don’t get it. It’s a prank. But anyway, why’s mum pissed at you?”

“How do you know she’s pissed at me?”

“I heard her talking to you a few seconds ago. Man she was cold.” He emphasized ‘cold’.

“I really don’t know why.” My voice went up in pitch as I spoke.

“Yeah you do.” He folded his arms. “You have always been the worst liar.”

“I’m not lying!” My voice squeaked in the middle of my sentence, which didn’t help my case.

“Alright… I’ll just ask her.” And he walked into the livingroom. 

I don’t think mum would saying anything to him, if the reason that she’s mad at me is what I think. My brother asking her can confirm my suspicions though. If she doesn’t tell him, then it’s probably about Dan. I went upstairs to my room, and shut the door.

I got out my laptop and played on tumblr, until my brother barged into my room.

“She won’t tell me!” He whined.

“There was nothing to tell.” I told him that already.

“Yeah, maybe. I asked her about it and she said, ‘I’m not mad at him.’ In which I responded, ‘You sure sounded like it’. So I don’t know.” He sighed.

“Like I said, nothings wrong. She isn’t mad at me.”

“Okkkayy.” He didn’t believe me. He walked out of my room, and shut the door behind him.

Oh yeah, I need ask if Dan can come over tomorrow. But the way mum acted around me… No, she’s fine. She said so herself that she was fine on Tuesday. I went downstairs to face her.

She was in the kitchen cutting a tomato when I found her. Something was boiling on the stove, and she stopped cutting to stir the boiling contents. 

“Hey mum?” I asked her carefully.

“Yes.” She sounded much more calm then before. I mentally let out a sigh.

“Can I invite a friend over tomorrow?”

She went back to slicing her tomatoes.

“Who.”

“I don’t know if you remember him, but his name is Dan Howell. He lives next door, actually. You’ve met him once.”

“Oh? Is it the brown haired boy?”

“Yes, really tall. Thin.”

“Yes I remember him. He can come over if he wants.”

“Okay. Thanks.” I was about to climb back up the stairs when she added:

“Was he the one over on Tuesday?” 

I was in the middle of climbing the first step, and paused. My hands started to clam up.

“Yes.”

“Okay. Just wondering.”

And I walked fast up the stairs. 

“Who’s Dan Howell?”

My heart skipped a beat, as I saw my brother sitting on the couch at the top of the stairs.

“Just a friend.” My voice went high again. Shoot.

“Right.” I was about to continue down the hall, until he said, “You’ve never had a girlfriend have you?” 

I turned back and looked at him. 

“No? Why?” My heart rate increased. 

“Just wondering.”

And I basically ran to my room. I pulled the door shut and flopped on my bed.

Great, now my brother thinks I’m gay too.


	12. Danny Cakes <3

Louise POV

I have to ask him. I know I told Danny I wouldn’t, but I can’t not ask him! 

It’s Friday afternoon, and I’m sitting in Human Anatomy, staring at the boy MY boy has been staring at for the past week; if that makes any sense. I just have to know. Oh gosh… I have a great idea.

“Hello! Are you a senior?” I went up to the boy, who was currently studying from our (ridiculously huge) textbook. 

“Er, yes!” I sat down in the empty seat next to him. “Can I help you with something?”

“Yes! So I’m talking a survey for my statistics class. I only can ask seniors and freshman. The question is: What is you’re sexuality?” I grabbed a pencil and paper before I went up to him, and was now holding them in writing position. The reason I said I could only ask seniors and freshman is because he is the only senior in the class, and there is no freshman. I’m so smart, hehe! 

He hesitated, I took the oportunity to add, “And ‘Questioning’ is an appropriate answer!”

“Will you be recording names as well?” He asks me.

“No! It’s completely anonymous.”

“Then, yeah. Questioning.”

“Alright! Thanks!” And I left him too his studying.

Ohmygosh! He’s questioning! I have to text Dan right away! I pulled out my pink sparkly phone from my silver handbag, and sent him the text: 

Me: hes QUESTIONING!!! C: C:!!! <3 <3!!!

2:48 P.M.

Danny Cakes <3: what are you talking about

Me: Now don’t get mad but

Danny Cakes <3: But?

Me: I asked philip if he was gay/ he said hes QUESTIONING!!!

Danny Cakes <3: exscuse you, you did what?

Me: now I did not ask him outfront. I told him I was taking a survay for statistics, and asked him his sexual orintaion

Danny Cakes <3: you cant be serious

Me: Oh but I am

Danny Cakes <3: hes questioning? Like, he may be into me kind of questioning?

Me: I think so! @ 1 st he asked me if his name would be on the survay, and I told him no. I think that changed his answer. I bet if I said yes he would have said str8

2:52

Danny Cakes <3: well I would be bmad but I guess I really cant be after that answer

Me: I know!!!!

Danny Cakes <3: Did he say anything else?

Me: no, y would he he doesn’t know me even

Danny Cakes <3: good poiint 

Me: Im already thinking up ship names for you

Danny Cakes <3: Oh god

Me: Lets see… Phanieal Danilip Danil Dil Philan Phan Phianup Phowell I think I like phowell the best

Danny Cakes <3: Oh god

Me: come on u love me… Phowell

Danny Cakes <3: it is the sad truth

Me: u seeing him after schol right?

Danny Cakes <3: Im going to his house yeah

Me: awwweewewewewe

Danny Cakes <3: now im nervious though thx

Me: You would have been nervous anywaysy

Danny Cakes <3: not tru. Now I know that he might like me

Me: I hope he does then I can start calling you phowell

Danny Cakes <3: oh boy

I smiled at my phone, and looked over to Phil. He was still gazing at his book, but I could tell that he was thinking about something else. Maybe he was thinking about Phowell? Hehe!

2:58

Danny Cakes <3: you better be telling the truth bc I actually really like him/now please don’t tell him that


	13. Platonic

Dan Pov

I started towards the Human Anatomy classroom as soon as I sent that last text to Louise. My phone bleeped again, signaling her response. What I told her was cringe worthy, in my opinion, so I’m not going to check it. 

I’m almost to the classroom door when I realize Phil doesn’t know that I know where his last class of the day is. He would find it strange if I waited for him right next to the door! I went father down the hall, in the opposite direction, so he wouldn’t know that I knew. I overthink way too much…

I got out of class two minutes early because I was in study hall, and no one cares if you leave just a tad bit early. I took these two minutes to have a silent freak-out-fest. Louise told me Phil was questioning! Now I don’t really know what that means, but I think it means he would be willing to try out an- unusual-relationship. Aka, one with me. Oh gosh, I can’t think like that! I’m just building myself up! If he doesn’t want his mum to even think that he wasn’t strait, there’s no chance that he would like me! Or maybe, he WOULD like me, but he COULDN’T like me. Yes that would be a plot twist. Maybe he feels like he SHOULDN’T like me. That could be it.

My brain swarmed with these overcomplicated thoughts until the bell rung, and kids started flooding out of class rooms. I look past the first few classroom doors, to see when Phil comes out of his class. I see Louise first, her head in her phone. What if she was lying to me about what she asked Phil? No wait, Louise doesn’t lie about big things like that. Oh damn, stop worrying! My face started to become visibly red. Like always.

My eyes grace all the students, until they dart to one (so fast, that my own reflexes surprise me). Phil, with his black hair, and colorful t-shirt, and happy expression on his face walked out the classroom door. 

He stood to the side of the hall, his eyes scanning over the mass of teenagers, most likely in the hopes of seeing me. I flushed even harder at the thought. He’s looking for me! Not that’s a surprise or anything. It still makes me somewhat embarrassed.

I walk over to him, and his eyes dart to mine before I’m all the way there. My heart rate speed up just from him looking at me. When I finally weaved through the crowd, I had all the symptoms of nervousness. (Or as my mum calls it ‘anxiety’, but I wouldn’t go that far). My hands were shaking, my face was flustered, and my heartbeat rose to an unhealthy pulse. There isn’t any reason to be nervous, so why am I?

“Hey.” He cheerfully said, with a quick wave.

“Hey.” He tried to look me in the eye, but I really wasn’t in the best health for eye contact. 

“You ready to go?” He continued, either ignoring my shaking, or being oblivious to it.

“Yes.”  
“Remember. Be super platonic.” He reminded me.

“We are always super platonic.” I mentioned. But Tuesday really wasn’t.

“Be even more super platonic!” He cheered, his smile grew wider.

“Right. Will do.”

And we started the walk home. I normally have basketball practice, so I don’t walk home a lot. It’s kind of far, but not to far, to walk. If I just didn’t have stupid basketball, me and Phil could walk home together all the time! Me and Phil…

“Whatcha thinking about?” Phil broke the silence.

“Oh, nothing really. I was just thinking about how if I didn’t have basketball practice after school all the time, we could start walking together.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. Basketball kind of sucks.”

“But you’re really good at it!” Phil complemented. How does Phil know I’m any good at it? Has he seen me play? I bit my lip.

“Thanks, but I’m kind of mediocre. Everyone else on the team just kind of sucks.”

Phil laughed, and I looked at my feet.

“That may be slightly true too.” Phil agreed.

“It really is. If I could quit without basically ruining the team, I would.”

“You shouldn’t let others effect your decisions. If you want to quit, do it. Then you don’t have to practice all the time too.”

“Yeah.” And then I could spend more time with you. “You know what?”

“What?”

“I have a game on Monday, and you should come.” Shit, why did I say that. I mean, I want Phil to come with me wherever I go but-

“I’d love to! What time?”

“It’s at four.”

“Yeah that would be great.”

Shoot. Now I have actual motivation to play well. Knowing how much of a twat I am, I’ll suck Monday. I can’t suck! He needs to see that I’m actually good at something! But he said he knew I was good at it already. I can’t let him see me play! But I can’t just uninvite him! Oh God, why did I ask him to come?

We walked for a few minutes in silence until we finally arrived at our houses (and it didn’t seem to bother either of us, which is a good thing. Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. Or is that actions?). This is the first time I will ever actually enter his house through the front door. How exciting. 

As soon as I entered through the front door, I was in what I assumed to be a living room. I was starting to memorize where everything was in Phil’s house. Down the hall is the office and maybe a bathroom or bedroom. Then the office leads into the kitchen, and in the kitchen is the staircase. Up the stairs is a hallway, but before the hallway, to the right of the staircase is a small sitting room with a flat screen tv. Then down the hall is a bathroom, Phil’s room, and probably more bedrooms. 

I barely just walked into the door when I heard someone say, “Hey it’s your friend!” 

I looked over to the voice, and a tall man was sitting in a chair, not really doing anything else but sitting. 

“Yep. This is Dan.” Phil replied calmly.

What I really want to do is go up to Phil’s room and watch tv with him, but we can’t. We have to be ‘super platonic’, which we are. Can’t we be platonic well cuddling on his bed with the door closed?

“Hey.” I said, in a small voice.

“Hey! I’m Phil’s brother, Martin.”

“Martin is in at University normally.” Phil mentioned. We were still standing awkwardly in the door way. Phil went to sit down on the sofa. I joined him, making sure to keep some space between us. Platonic. 

“Yeah, I classes were cancelled until Monday, so I decided to crash here. Bomb threat. No biggy.” Martin replied casually. “But enough about me. So how are you, Dan?” 

“Alright.” I responded.

“What grade you in?” He questioned.

“I’m a junior.” I responded again, not knowing what else to say.

“Well, Phil talks about you quite a bit.” Martin continued. I blushed furiously, and looked at my shoes. 

“What? No I don’t!” Phil’s voice went high and defensive.

“I know, I’m just teasing.” Phil relaxed is shoulders, then looked over at me. I was still red, and continued to look at my shoes.

“Well I know, lets go play some video games, Dan.” Phil changed the subject. Thank God.

“Alright.” I said shyly.

“You want to join in, Martin?” Phil asked his brother.

“Sure. We got three controllers?” Martin stood up out of his chair.

“We got four.” Phil stood up as well.

“Alright sounds good.” Martin responded.

We walked to the kitchen, where Phil’s mum stopped me. She was in the middle of taking something out of the refrigerator. 

“Hello Dan. Are you staying for dinner?” 

Phil answered for me, “Yes he is. We’re all going upstairs to play some video games.” 

“Alright.” She went back to pulling ingredients from the fridge.

We went upstairs into the sitting room with the tv. 

“You pick what we play, Dan.” Phil opened up a drawer underneath the TV. “We’ve got: Halo 1, 2, and 3. Call Of Duty Black Ops. Super Mario Bros. Mario Kart-“

“We should totally play Mario Kart.” I stopped him.

Martin let out a chuckle. “You know, Dan, I’m pretty good at Mario Kart. It might be a little unfair to play with such an experienced player.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m a pretty experienced player myself.” I replied. It was true, I was actually really good at it.

“We’ll see about that!”

So Phil pulled out the wii remotes, and put in the game. We chose 150 cc, much to Phil’s dislike. ‘It’s too fast!’ He said. I giggled. We did the Star cup, and I proceeded to get first place on every one of the four races. Martin always came in second. It was funny watching him struggle to catch up. Phil got around fourth or fifth every time. I could tell Phil wasn’t a seasoned player like me or Martin.

“Well… Shit.” Martin said, as the ending credits started to roll. “I don’t know about you, Phil, but I would say that this one is a keeper.”

I knew how red my face could get, but this had to be a record. I looked like a ripe tomato.

Phil didn’t respond.

“Supper’s ready!” Just on time, Phil’s mum called us down. Apparently some families eat at the dinner table, unlike mine. I wasn’t used to it. I sat across from Martin, with Phil to the right of my and his mum to the left.

Table conversation wasn’t difficult like I thought. I really didn’t have to talk much. Phil’s mum mostly just asked her son how University was going. Martin responded with great tales of classroom mishaps, nasty ass teachers, and how educational a library can actually be. I’m glad that he is such a talker, because I’m surely not. 

After dinner, Phil’s mum asked me if was staying the night. 

“I don’t have anything with me.” Was my response.

“You live right next door, you can grab stuff.” Phil mentioned. His eyes looked a little too hopeful.

“Yeah, okay.” So I grabbed my backpack from the living room, and went out the door. 

I went into my own house, and found out my mum was actually home. I probably should ask her if I can stay the night before just getting my things and leaving. 

She was sitting at the computer, paying bills. 

“Hey, mum?”

“Hey, you’re home.”

“Yeah, just for a second actually. I was wondering if I could have a sleepover at my friends house?”

To this, she looked up at me. “Boy or girl.” 

“Boy.” She looked back down at the computer. All worry lost.

“Oh, yeah sure I don’t care.” Not that she ever does.

“Cool, thanks.”

I wonder if mum would agree to let me sleep over at a boy’s house if she knew I was bi. Probably not. I’m glad I don’t tell her anything.

I went to my room and through my backpack in the corner. It was already 6ish, so I decided to change out of my uniform and into something more comfy. My sweats and a t-shirt. I spot the shirt Phil gave me, and reluctantly thought that I have to give it back. I really don’t want to give it back, it smells just like him. I don’t really need to pack, saying that I live literally one door down. So, I take my phone charger with me, and that’s it. 

I walk out the door, yelling bye to my mum. I saw Phil waiting for me on his porch steps. My heart did that stupid fluttering thing. Before I could say something stupid, such as, ‘You’re waiting for me’, Martin opens the front door. 

“Mario Kart Rematch?” He asks, his head sticking out of the front door. 

I smiled. “Yeah.”

I dropped off my phone charger in Phil’s room, and then sat in front of the tv in the sitting room with Martin and Phil. 150 cc, Flower Cup. Easy. I got first place in every race. Martin trailing behind in second. Phil in different places each time. 150 cc, Banana Cup. First place every time. 150 cc, Mushroom Cup. 

“Shit shit shit shit shit!!!!!” I screamed as my character fell off of a cliff, and Martin speed past me, into first place. It was the last lap. “Ah! Damn!” Martin crossed the finish line before I did. 

“Hah! I finally won! Alright, that’s all I wanted in life.” And Martin got up and left, victory in his smile. I heard a door shut somewhere in the hallway, signaling he probably went into his room.

“He’ll be boasting about that one for a while now.” Phil commented, and got up himself. I checked my phone, and it was 8:32. “You want to go watch tv in my room?” He asked me.

Yes! I really do! Images of Phil and I snuggling on the bed, with Wedding Crashers Xtreme playing in the backroom flooded my mind. 

“Yeah.” Is all I said.

He turned off the wii, and we went into his room. 

“Leave the door open,” Phil told me, “Platonic, remember.”

“Platonic.” I sighed. I could almost hear Phil giggle.

He grabbed the remote from the dresser, and tossed it to me. I flopped on his bed, and moved towards one edge. When Phil came to join me, he moved to the opposite end. Platonic.

I flipped it on Cowboy Bebop Garage Hoarders, which sounded promising. 

“You have the best choice in tv shows, Daniel.” I grew read at his casual use of my full name.

“It’s one of my best qualities, picking what to watch on tv.” 

Phil chuckled. I grew red.

Apparently they were having a Cowboy Bebop Garage Hoarders marathon on tonight, because we watched three episodes in a row. Somewhere during the forth episode, I closed my eyes. And sometime after that, I must have fallen asleep.

Martin POV

I had to take a piss around two in the morning. I got out of bed, and was headed to the bathroom when I noticed Phil’s door was open, with the tv still playing. 

“You know, it’s like two in the morning?” I walked into the room, and then paused. I walked into something I probably shouldn’t have.

Phil was lying on his back. His new ‘friend’ Dan was snuggled against his side, his face in my brother’s neck. Phil’s left hand wrapped around Dan’s waist, well the right was holding the back of his ‘friend’s’ head. They were both asleep. What they were doing last night to get into this position, I really don’t want to know.

I sneak back out of the room, and shut the door as quietly as I could. Why was the door open in the first place? But whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that I fucking called it. Phil’s gay.


	14. Subconscious

Phil POV

My arms were wrapped around someone. I shot my eyes open, not remembering that Dan was here. My first thought was ‘who the hell is in my bed!’. Then I remembered that Dan came over. I slowly looked over to the body in my arms, and held my breath. Dan’s hair, normally strait, was starting to curl up around the edges. It looked really cute like this. His eyes were closed peacefully, his head laying too close to mine. Did I say too close? I meant not close enough. 

I looked over to the clock on my dresser. It was 8:23.

I closed my eyes again, trying to breathe normally, which wasn’t happening. He was way too close to me for that to happen. Dan was in my arms, in my bed, sleeping. I bit my lip. I took a deep breath: In… and Out…. 

Straight people don’t think like this. Straight people don’t find it hard to breathe when a friend is lying next to them in their bed. Straight people don’t subconsciously wrap their arms around said friend during the night. My forehead started to get sweaty.

I heard an inhale of breath, and I opened my eyes again. I glanced down at Dan, who glanced back up at me. 

“You awake?” I asked, breath shakey.

He nodded groggily. Barely awake.

“Me too.” I added, my breath quickened.

“Obviously.” I heard Dan mutter into my arm. He sighed. “What happened to platonic?”

“This is platonic.” I assured. It really isn’t. 

“Sure.” He agreed. I saw him close his eyes. “I’m just going to agree with you, because I really have no intention of moving.” He mumbled this, so I could just barely understand what he said.

“Okay.” Breathe, Phil, Breathe. 

Dan closed the small gap between his head and my shoulder. I felt his hair on my arm, every single strand of it. My nerves were set on fire. He moved his hands so they grabbed onto my shirt. The sweat on my forehead spread to my entire face. I was biting my lip so hard that it hurts.

“You’re heart is absolutely racing.” I heard Dan mumble. “But that’s okay. If I was actually awake, I bet mine would be too.”

I didn’t trust myself to respond. 

Dan POV

I woke up very confused, but also very comfy. My eyes opened into an arm that I was snuggled into. I slowly un-clenched something that I had my hands tightly around, and felt around for my phone so I could check the time. 11:55.

It took me a second to realize how close I actually was to him. There wasn’t any space between our bodies. There could have been, saying this is a queen sized bed. Did I snuggle up to him in my sleep or something? Oh God, that’s so embarrassing. It’s basically Tuesday all over again. I rolled out of Phil’s arms, and into a small empty space on the bed. He’s still asleep, thank goodness. 

What would he think if he knew I had a knack for subconscious snuggles during the middle of the night?

“Dan?” I heard him mutter. 

“Yeah?” I responded from my opposite end of the bed.

“Why are you over there?” 

My face turned bright as a cherry.


	15. Fight Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why was this so hard to write?

Dan POV

“Come back over here.” Phil mumbled, as he shuffled into his blue-green comforter. He pulled the blanket up to his chin, and then glanced in my direction. ‘Come back over here’? Does that mean he knew what we were doing last night, and that he was actually okay with that? My face heated up. I crawled back to him, and sat on my knees in front of him.

He took his arms out from underneath the comforter, and grabbed my hand. My eyes opened wide, and I suddenly lost all tiredness. I bit my tongue. He tugged me towards him, and I feel next to him stomach-first. 

“Hehe,” Phil giggled, “I’m stronger then you.”

I turned my head out of the blanket, towards him. “Nuh-Uh!” 

He bit his lip and smiled, “Mmmhmm.” He shuffled comfortably into the bed.

“Fight me!” I lifted myself up by my hands, and sprung onto to Phil’s sleepy body. 

“Hey!” He whined, as I started poking his stomach. He started laughing. “Get off- EEP!” He let out a highpitch yelp, as I tickled his sides. “Fight me!” I repeated, and started laughing too. 

“Ah! No!” I suddenly scream, as Phil ran his fingers down my neck, and my skin set on fire. My neck is super sensitive: never touch me there. I swat his hand away and roll off him.

“Ooh, I found were you’re ticklish at.” Phil said, as he lifted himself up, and looked at me, curled in a ball, gasping. I tried to calm down.

“Yeah, like, don’t touch my neck.” I murmured, then rolled my face into a pillow.

“I won then.” He shuffled towards me. I laid on my side, and curled my legs to my waist.

“No, I won.” My heartrate had to be 300 beats per minute. I saw how sweaty Phil gotten, and blushed deeply. Phil laid down on his side too, facing me. I was breathing hard, and tried to stop. Phil was close enough to feel my breath, probably. My energy melted away, and is now replaced by pure anxiety. 

He’s too close to me. My eyes remained open, as his closed. He grabbed my hand, and scooted closer. I think time is slowing down, because everything seems like it’s slow motion. I stop breathing, as he tilted his head to the perfect angle to meet mine. Oh God oh God oh God is he doing what I think he’s doing? I could feel the heat from his face, I could feel the way the air shifted out of the way between our lips. It’s going to happen! I was going to bite my lip out of nervous habit, but considering what we were about to do, I struggled not to. I tried to memorize his face, and then I squeeze my eyes shut-

BLEEP BLEEP

Phil jumped away from me, just as I closed my eyes.

BLEEP BLEEP

Fucking phone.

BLEEP BLEEP

I grabbed my phone off the end of the bed. Stupid. Fucking. Phone. My mum came up on the caller ID.

I reluctantly pressed the ‘talk’ button. 

“Hello?”

“When are you coming home?” She snapped.

Hopefully never.

“Um? When do you want me home?”

“Whenever you can. Aunt Vicky is coming over at three, and I need help getting the house cleaned up. You know how she is.” Yeah, I do know how she is. She’s awful.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes then.”

“Okay great.” 

And I hung up.

Stupid. Fucking. Phone.

“That was my mum,” I said to Phil, keeping my eyes on my phone.

“Yeah?” He was breathless.

“Yeah, she wants me home.”

“Oh, okay.” He sniffed uncomfterbly.

“Okay, well, I’ll just grab my charger.”

“Right,” He sounded sad. I really don’t want to look at him.

“And- See you soon?” I continued to stare at my phone.

“Real soon?” He asked hopefully.

“Real soon.” I confirmed. 

He giggled, “Okay, don’t leave me for to long.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” I got off the bed, and walked to the door. “You know,” I looked over to him for the first time. He was red in the face. “We left the TV on all night.”

“Yeah, and the door’s now shut.” He noticed. Shit- it was.

We left it open to be platonic. I forgot all about ‘Platonic’. I decide not to say anything. Someone closed it at night. 

“Well, see you later.” I said as I opened the door. 

“Bye.” And I walked out of the room.

I walked through the hall, and got to the flight of stairs. 

“Morning Dan.” I whipped around, and saw Martin sitting at the couch, playing x-box.

“Morning.” I went down a step.

“You’re up late.” Yeah? I went back up the step, and faced him. Sure I’m up late, is that a bad thing? I’m just going to lie and say I been up.

“I been up, actually.”

“Oh really? What have you been doing.” He winked,

“Tv.”

“Oh, not playing video games with me?” Oh. That’s what he was getting at.

“No, sorry, I got to go home now.” I waited to see if he will saying anything else before I go down the steps again.

“Oh, that sucks. Where’s Phil?” My heart skipped a beat at the mention of his name. Martin looked at me, as if he could tell what my heart did.

“In his room.”

“Okay, well I know you have to go home, but can I talk to you for a second?” He asked.

I walked over to the couch, and sat next to him. “Aren’t you already talking to me?”

“Yeah, but I’m really not getting the answers I want, so I’m just going to come out and say it.”

What on earth is he talking about? Then my mind flashed back to the bedroom door. It was open yesterday, and today it was closed. Someone closed it. Martin closed it. And who knows what we looked like when he closed it. I blushed at the thought of subconscious snuggles.

“Are you and Phil dating?” 

Shitshitshitshitshit! 

“What? No.” I bit my lip.

“Are you lying?” No, I’m really not lying. Should I tell him the truth behind it, or stick to Phil’s platonic story?

“No, we’re not dating, but do you want to hear a secret?” Nice way to start this conversation Dan.

Martin nodded.

“I kind-of do like him though.” No one knows how painfully embarrassing it is to say this outloud. I should just add one more thing, just to kind of help on the platonic side. “But Phil’s not really, err. Like, he doesn’t like me like that.”

I was about to go on in my spoken misery, until Martin interrupted me.

“Nah I’m pretty sure he’s gay.” That caught me off guard. Louise said he was just questioning.

“Oh.” I looked down at my shoes, my face heating up. I really want out of this conversation.

“Yeah, he’s never had a girlfriend before, which is weird for a seventeen year old. He’s never really spoken interest about liking girls either. So I was stating to assume a while ago. Then he brought you here, which was weird, because he hasn’t had a friend over (even at our old house) since his best mate died.”

I tried to take that all in. So he already thought Phil was gay, just because he never had a girlfriend. And Phil never invites friends over? Why? Phil also never told be about this ‘best mate’, which makes me kind of sad. 

“And when he brought you here, well, even I was like, ‘this boy is good looking’, and I’m straight as a pencil.” Okay I really want out of this conversation now. “So I think Phil, being gay and all, is probably drooling over you like you’re a Russian swimsuit model. Anyways, what I’m getting at here is next time you come over, I don’t think you and Phil should share a room. Like, boys aren’t aloud to keep girls in there room over night, so why should boys be aloud to keep boys over night? You can sleep in my room, saying I’m going back to University real soon. Okay?”

Woah, what does Martin think is going on when I’m with Phil in the bedroom? Not to sound to vulgar, but we’re not fucking or anything.

“We’re not even together,” was my response.

“Yeah, but you probably will be next time you come over. So just promise me that you’ll sleep in my room next time around?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Okay good. I know you have to get going now. Cya later.”

I got off the couch. “Bye.” And walked down the stairs. I didn’t see Phil’s mum anywhere as I walked out the house. 

I walked over to my own, and saw mum in the kitchen. It was a gross kitchen. The floor tiles were yellow, and the walls were brown. There wasn’t much counter space, and the stove was from the 50’s. Our fridge was only a fridge, and we had a separate freezer in the garage. Mum was wiping down the white chipped countertops.

“I’m home.”

She didn’t turn to look at me. “Good, can you go sweep the bathroom, and wipe off the counters. And after that the mirror needs to be cleaned as well. Aunt Vicky is going to be here in a few hours.”

Good to be home. I physically rolled my eyes.


	16. I Don't Want To Be Here

Dan POV

When Aunt Vicky arrived, I so badly wanted to hide in my room. Or just stay at Phil’s house. Or run away to like, London or something until she leaves. Hiding under a bridge is also a nice option. Anything really, rather then having to communicate with that woman.

I finished cleaning up the bathroom, then mum asked me to clean up my own room (why? Aunt Vicky isn’t coming in there.). Then I had to shower, flat iron my hair, get dressed, all those good things. As I was flat ironing my hair, I realized something very important. Phil had seen me with curly hair. No one should see me with curly hair, it looks horrible, in my opinion.

Mum and I had to wait on the front porch for her. Our ratty-ass front porch. It was screened in, with holes in the screen. The porch is great first impression for Aunt Vicky (not). I saw her car pull up. It was a rental, because she came from Ireland, and didn’t want to drive over water. It was a red bmw, which must have cost a fortune to rent. 

I whisper to mum, “How long is she staying?”

She whispered back, “Three days.”

“Fuck.” I swore under my breath. Maybe I can hide out with Phil for three days. The thought made me smile.

“I know, but just deal with it please?” She responded.

Aunt Vicky is a terrible person. She was worse then our old neighbor, the puppy kicker. She married well, but never brought my Uncle with her when she visited. She outright told us that our house was too much of a dump for someone of his status to stay at. If she thinks its such a dump, then why does she visit? I think it’s because she likes making fun of her sister and her sister’s son. It’s kind of sick.

She got out of the car, and walked up our porch steps, her tongue clucked with disappointment. “Still staying in this neighborhood I see, Sue.”

“Yes, well you know, were trying to get enough money to-“ My mum began.

“This is such a poor neighborhood.” No it wasn’t, Phil’s house is pretty great. “You could do so much better. Provide a better example for Dan here. Look at his clothes!” She interrupted. What’s wrong with my clothes? I was wearing a black t-shirt with a black jacket and blue jeans. Nothing out of the ordinary. Was she expecting a suit and tie?

“Oh, and he looks so thin! Don’t you get fed, sweetie?”

“Yes.” Is all is said back.

“He gets a lot of exercise.” Mum spoke for me. “He’s on the basketball team.” 

“Oh? Why not football? I think football is much more decent as a sport.”

Because I can’t fucking play fucking football, that’s why! I’d try to kick the ball, and then I’d just trip and land on my fucking face.

“I’m not too good at football.” 

“Shame. Well, aren’t you going to show me inside, Sue?”

“Yes of course!” My mum stuttered. She held the door open for Aunt Vicky, who held two suitcases in her hand.

“Here, let me get those.” I took the opportunity to be a stand-up-gent, and took her bags from her hands.

“Oh, thank you deary!” Wait- Did she actually approve of me about something?

I waited for her to enter the house first, then I followed. I went to the third bedroom, which was used as a guest bedroom, and dropped off the bags. Reluctantly, I went back to the living room.

“So then Misty called the manager! Can you believe that!” Aunt Vicky squealed. She was sitting in the large recliner, and mum sat on the couch.

She was telling stories now. Oh great.

“No, that’s horrible!” My mum responded in a fake aggravated voice. She looked at me as I entered the room. “Oh hello Dan.” She was obviously trying to get Aunt Vicky off topic now.

“Hi.” I responded, and sat down next to her. 

“So what University’s are you thinking about attending, Daniel?” Aunt Vicky asked me.

“I was kind of just thinking about the University of Manchester. I might want to go for Law.” I tried to sound as impressive as possible.

“Oh! That is exciting! You should be proud, Sue.” Is Aunt Vicky actually giving me complements. What happened? Me and mum shared a look.

“Yes, I am.” Mum responded. 

“How about you’re life out of school, Daniel? Anything you like to do? Any hobbies, friends, girlfriends?” Why does she want to know?

“Er, like I said, I play basketball. I- er- like to hang out with my mates at the library.” Lies. “I don’t have a girlfriend.” I finished awkwardly. 

“What a nice young man you’re turning into!” What was up with her today? Normally it’s insult after insult.

“Thank you ma’am.”

“I think a nice young man like you should have a girlfriend. You know, my friend Sherry has a daughter your age.” That’s where she’s getting at. She’s trying to get her friend’s kid a date.

“Yeah?” I responded politely.

“Yes, she’s sixteen. She plays cello in her school orchestra, and she also plays community volleyball.”

“You know, I don’t think Dan should be dating a girl from Ireland. That’s a bit far.” Mum saved me.

“Oh, well, yes I guess it is.” Aunt Vicky commented.

I looked gratefully at mum, and she nodded at me.

We kept talking for hours. Aunt Vicky was such a chatterer. She talked about her friends lives, her life, my life, my mums life, her dogs life, ect. It was around five when she finally asked when we were going to eat dinner. 

“Right now, if you want.” Mum said, getting off the couch and heading for the kitchen.

I really didn’t want to be left alone with Aunt Vicky. I jumped off the couch too. “I’ll help, mum!” 

“Oh thank you, Daniel. Why don’t you turn on the tv for Vicky first.” I grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. It was instantly on HGTV, the channel for middle aged women. I left it on that channel, and put the remote on the table in front of Aunt Vicky. Before she could say anything, and high-tailed-it to the kitchen.

“What are you going to make that’s ‘Vicky’ worthy, mum?” I asked her.

“I was thinking about a roast.” She responded.

“Sounds good.” I stood in the kitchen doing nothing well mum got out the pork from the fridge.

“Why don’t you go take out the trash for me please?” She quickly gestured to the overflowing bin. 

“Okay,” I took out the bag and headed for the garage, using the back door that’s in the kitchen so Aunt Vicky doesn’t see me. 

I walked around the house, and then threw the trash in the larger bin. As I went back outside, I glanced behind me, toward Phil’s house. I much rather be there (preferably without his brother) then here. I couldn’t help but notice a black haired boy sitting on the porch. He apparently saw me too, because he waved in my direction, then gestured for me to come over there. I glanced at my home, and back at his. I don’t think anyone would miss me if I was gone only for a little bit.

“Hey.” I said, as I climbed went up the porch.

“Hey! You busy?” I wish I wasn’t. Why? Does he want to hang out again? I’m just going to say no.

“No.”

“You want to go for a walk?” He asked. Yeah, and not come back for three days, until Aunt Vicky is gone.

“Sure.” 

He got off the bench he was sitting on, opened his front door. “Mum! I’m going for a walk!” he shouted into the house.

“Okay!” I heard his mum respond from a distance.

“Lets go.” Phil shut the door, and started down the steps. I followed close behind.

I took this moment to admire what he was wearing today. It was a yellow-plaid shirt, literally the ugliest thing I have ever saw, but it somehow looked amazing on him. Now that I think about it, everything looks amazing on him. He could be wearing a bedsheet, and it would look amazing on him.

We walked side-by-side down the pavement. I resisted the urge to hold his hand.


	17. The Shadows From The Trees

Phil POV

I don’t know what I was thinking this morning. Well, yes I do actually. I wasn’t thinking anything- and that was the problem. I was tired, my brain wasn’t working, I don’t know what came over me. These are all the excuses I could tell Dan. I need to say something about this morning, or we’ll just be awkward forever, and I really don’t want that. I want to be his friend, his best friend. It’s been years sense I’ve had a best friend. 

We are walking side-by-side down the street. I don’t know where we are going, he’s following me, and I’m following him. We’re just walking. I want to walk forever with him. 

“I’m glad you asked me to walk with you, if I had to be at my own house for any longer I probably would tear my hair out.” Dan spoke.

“Why’s that?”

“My Aunt decided to come over today. That why mum wanted me home. She wanted help cleaning the house.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I don’t even know why my aunt wants to come to our house, when she could just say at her own. She lives in, like, a mansion or something with her super rich husband. Beats me why should would want to stay in our shack of a house.”

“Your house isn’t a shack.” I commented. I really never seen anything but Dan’s room though.

“It really is. The living room is about the size of your room, the kitchen is about the size of my bedroom, and my bedroom is about the size of a closet.”

“Where’s you’re aunt staying then?”

“In the guest room.”

“See, no shack of a house has a guest room.”

“My shack does.”

“So why does it matter if your aunt is over?” I asked.

“She’s mad! She never stops talking, ever. She doesn’t let anyone else get a word into the conversation beside herself. It’s basically like she’s talking to herself. She also likes to criticize everyone else. But for some reason today she’s been actually giving my complements. So that’s weird.”

“What kind of complements?” 

“She told me what a nice young man I was becoming. I told her I was thinking about going to UMAN, and then she told my mum that she should be proud of me.”

“Yeah, those are worthy complements. Are you really thinking about UMAN?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“That’s were I applied. That and a few others.”

“Really? Maybe we could go to school together. I mean, in two years. When I graduate too.” Dan said.

“Yeah that would be cool.” I would be really cool. I would have to wait a full year though.

We kept talking about college and Dan’s aunt, until we walked ourselves to a park. 

“Want to hang out here?” I asked him.

“Yeah. Race you to the swings!” And Dan took off running. 

“Cheater!” I screamed, as I ran after him. Dan is in way better shape then I am. By the time I got to the swingset, he was already swinging high in there air.

“I won!” He shouted.

“You cheated!” 

“No, you cheated.

I rolled my eyes, and smiled. I sat down on the swing next to him, and rocked back and forth, not fully swinging like Dan was doing. I just liked looking at him. He reminds me of a small child, the way he’s giggling on the swing set. His hair is swooshing with the wind. The sun (which is quite low in the sky now) makes his brown hair glow red. 

Dan POV

“Hey mister! Will you swing me?!” I looked down to see a small blonde girl with a pony tail standing next to were I was swinging. I kicked my feet down, stopping the swing.

“Of course!” I got up and the little girl got on. “You ready?” I asked her. Where was this girl’s mother?

“Yeah!” I slowly started moving the chains back and forth. She was a real small girl, so I didn’t want to push her back until she was moving more. “Higher!” She cried, and I walked backwords with the chains, pulling her up high. 

“Are you hanging on tight?” I asked her, before I let go.

“Yeah!” I let go, and she started swinging quite high up for someone of her height. “Weee!” I smiled at that. She looked like she was having fun. I got out of her way, but still watched her carefully, making sure she wouldn’t fall off. I saw Phil get off his swing and join me at the side of the swingset.

“That was cute,” I heard him say softly to me. I blushed.

“Now lets hope she doesn’t fall off that thing.” I responded, and tried to hide my blush. How do you hide blush?

I kept my eye on the child, trying to ignore the fact that as I watched the girl, Phil watched me. She finally said, “Okay stop me!”, and I pulled her to a halt. 

“You wanna play hide-and-seek?!” She squealed. Seriously, where is this kid’s parents?

“Yeah!” I responded playfully. “I’ll count to ten, and you’ll hide!” 

“Okay!” She happily danced around me. 

“Okay, I’m going to count right here, and you’re going to hide.”

“Wait! Your friend has to close his eyes too!” She stopped me.

“He’s not the one seeking you though!”

“He could tell you were I am!”

“Fair enough,” I turned to Phil, “Close your eyes!” He squeezed his eyes shut.

“There closed! See?” Phil said.

“Good! Now count!” The little girl ordered. I closed my eyes too. 

“One.” I heard her squeal with delight, and run off. “Two.” I counted a bit louder, so she could here my counts. “Three” I counted slowly, so she had time to hide. “Foouuuuur. Fiiiivveeeeee. Siiiiiixxxx. Sevveeennn. Eighhhhhhtttt. Niiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnneee. Andddddddddd.” I paused for a long time before shouting, “Ten!”

I opened my eyes, and so did Phil. 

I did a quick scan of the playground. There was a large red and yellow jungle gym, some red monkey bars, a red and yellow teeter tauter, a red and yellow carousal, some bouncy things that looked like fish, and a red slide. There were trees all over the park too. It looked like a sparse forest with plenty of shade. There was red and yellow plastic picnic tables scattered around with beat up charcoal grills next to each one, that looked to be one hundred years old.

“Lets check behind this tree!” I said loudly, and pointed to the nearest tree. We walked over, and I looked behind it. “Nope! How about the jungle gym?!” I said like I was doing very poor acting. We walked to it, and I could tell with one look that she wasn’t there. “Nope! Maybe she is under the carousal!” I got down on my knees and looked underneath the rusty piece of spinning metal. 

“Eep!” I heard before I saw a blonde ponytail run out of underneath the carousel. 

“Found you found you!” I shouted under the carousel.

“Aww! I thought it was a goodly hiding place!” The little girl said. I got off the ground.  
“Amy!” I whipped around, and saw a blonde, short woman walk up to us. “There you are!” 

There’s her mother.

“Oh I’m sorry, she runs off all the time. Did she bother you?” The woman spoke.

“No not at all!” I replied.

“We playeded hide-and-seek and swings!” The little girl, Amy, shouted happily.

“Oh? Well it’s time to go home now. It’s getting dark.” Her mother said.

“Oh.” She looked so sad, I wanted to give her all the sweets in the world to make her happy again. “Byebye!” She waved to us, and her mother took her by the hand and walked off.

Phil POV

Dan with the little girl was the cutest thing I have ever seen. I just wanted to take him by the shoulders and shout, ‘Do you know how adorable you are right now?!’ but I didn’t. I restrained myself. He was all smiley, and there was a light in his eyes that I’ve never seen before. 

We sat down at the nearest picnic table, and watched all the other kids. The parents one-by-one left the park, and eventually it was only us left. The sun was setting faster now. There were huge shadows on the trees. 

“I proabably need to go home now. Mum was making super when I left, and I want to be back before she’s finnished, or else she’ll realize I left.” Dan said, looking off in the distance. It’s been about sixty minutes sense we first came here.

“Okay.” We got up, but didn’t move anywhere. 

The shadows from the trees darkened everything on him, from his hair, to his already black close. His face was still lit up from when he interacted with that child. It was painfully cute.

“About this morning-“ I heard him start. He hesitated. I knew where this was going.

“Yeah?” I replied.

“Were, were you going to, um,” He hesitated some more. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. “You know.”

“Yeah?” I said, so he would continue.

“You know. Right?” He asked this time.

“Yeah I know.” I responded. I did know what he was talking about.

“So we would have if my phone didn’t go off?” He blushed deeply. My heartbeat quicked.

“Probably.” I responded. I glanced at his hand.

Somewhere in the trees, an owl cooed. 

I saw his hand go towards mine slowly, shaking severely. I could tell what he was going to do, so I grabbed on to his hand. I might be somewhat shy about these things, but Dan was absolutely terrified, and I could tell. He looked up at me.

He bit his lip. 

I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I couldn’t take it anymore. I know Dan is too shy to do anything, so it was up to me to do what we were both thinking about.

I pulled him towards me, and he let me. With my free hand, I wrapped my arm around his waist. I could feel Dan’s heart race so fast, that any faster and he would have a stroke.

Dan POV

Phil grabbed my waist after pulling towards him. Is he going to kiss me? My face is extremely red, and my hair’s all messed up. He can’t kiss me like this! I look so unattractive! He can’t possibly like me! No one likes me! My heart started pounding. 

He leaned his face towards mine. I realized that I was biting my lip and stopped. I grabbed his arm that was around my waist and pushed him in closer. I leaned in as well.

I could feel all the air leave the space between our lips, just like last time. But this time, there was no interuption. 

His lips landed softly on mine. The nerves on my mouth were buzzing with excitement. My mind went foggy. I moved my hand from his arm to the back of his head. He moved even closer to me, and I could feel his body touch mine, there was absolutely no space between us now. Phil lifted his mouth off of mine for a fraction of a second, tilting his head and then our lips touch again. He pulled his head away after a few seconds. There was still absolutely no space between our bodies.

“You’re cute.” Phil murmered.

I bit my lip again, but smiled at the same time.

“You’re cute too.” My voice is barely audible. 

We stood there for a few seconds, not saying anything. My heart is beating out of its chest, and I just stare into his eyes. The shadows make them look deep blue. 

He pulled away first, taking his hand off my waist, as I dropped mine off the back of his head. He held on to my other hand. 

“Lets go.” He said.

I don’t want to.

“Okay,” Is what I said instead.

We walk side-by-side, just like last time.

This time, I get to hold his hand.


	18. The Causatum

Dan POV

I was absolutely giddy when I came home. I walked around the house, and used the back door. Luckly, mum was in the kitchen, taking pork out of the oven, and throwing it into a pot of broth. 

“That took awhile.” She said, as I walked through the door. “Who knew taking out the trash could take that long?”

“Sorry, I went for a walk. Did Aunt Vicky notice?”

“No, she was to captivated watching House Hunters.”

“That’s good.”

“But I noticed. Don’t leave me alone with Vicky again!” She whined. I laughed.

“Sorry, mum. Was it rough?” 

“Not too bad, because like I said, captivated watching House Hunters.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you smiley?” She commented.

I quickly stopped smiling. “No reason.”

“Right. Where did you walk too?” She asked.

“The park.” 

“Okay, and who did you go with?”

“No one, why do you ask?”

“Because your smiley.”

“I haven’t snuck out to see a secret girlfriend or something, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Yeah, I know what your thinking MUM.

“Yes that is what I was thinking. But I guess you got me. What did you do at the park except cry of relieve from not having to be with aunt Vicky?”

“Swung on some swings, played hide-and-seek with children who were trying to escape there mother.”

“Sounds fun.”

“It was a blast.”

“Okay, now do me a favor, and tell Vicky that dinner is ready.”

“Aww, can’t you do it?” I whined.

“Nope, you got to actually escape from her for a full hour, you go tell her.”

“Fine.” I stomped my feet out of the kitchen in protest.

I went to the living room, where Aunt Vicky was sitting on the recliner, watching TV.

“Dinners ready now. Lets go to the dining room?” I asked her.

“Oh good. I’m starved.” She struggled off the recliner, and followed me into the small back room we call a dining room. We never actually use the dining room. I normally just go back into my room and eat, but when Aunt Vicky is with us, we can’t really do that.

We both sat down, and mum brought out bowls of the pot roast. It smelt pretty good. Mum sat down too, and Aunt Vicky instantly started chatting away. 

I tried to tune her out, and let mum answer all her questions.

Phil kissed me. He kissed me. I could still feel were he pushed his lips up against mine. My hand is still sweaty from holding on to his. When we got to our street, he let go of my hand. He saw my face fall or something, because he said, “I think I should tell them later.” And I knew he was talking about his family. He didn’t want his family to see us holding hands down the street. That’s okay though, because I didn’t really want my family seeing that either. When we got to his steps, he looked glanced through the windows, and then gave me a quick hug. I was too surprised to hug him back, and before I could process what he was doing, he let go. “Bye”, he whispered as he pulled away.

“Right Dan?” I got pulled away from my thoughts, and looked up to see mum looking at me questioningly.

“Right.” I have no idea what she said.

“See? Dan’s paying plenty of attention to your story!” Mum directed at Aunt Vicky.

“He seemed quite spaced-out to me. Kids today have no table manners!” I could tell that Aunt Vicky was going to go on a rant now about, ‘Kids Today’, and as bad as I want to tune her out and daydream about Phil some more, I know I shouldn’t. 

Phil POV

“I’m back!” I shouted as I entered the front door. 

“No one cares!” Martin shouted back from some other room.

I rolled my eyes, and went up stairs. I closed my bedroom door, and plopped on my bed. I kissed Dan. He kissed me back. I liked it. You know what this means? I’m not straight. I don’t know what I am, but it isn’t straight. My heterosexual days are over. I’m Dan-sexual now. That should be it’s own sexuality. 

I held his hand all the way until we got to our street. The entire time, I was so nervous that I was going to mess up hand holding. How do you mess up hand holding? Our fingers were interlocked, and our arms swayed together, in a precise rhythm. I remember somewhere between the park and my house, Dan started humming to some song I didn’t know. I remember him swaying our hands in beat with his humming. I remember myself blushing.

Why does he have to be so cute? Like a puppy, or a small kitten? He’s like a small kitten that I feel attracted too, so that’s a bit weird. I remember this morning, when his hair was all curly, and his eyes all sleepy. That was natural Dan. That was cute, innocent, I-must-protect-you-against-this-cruel-world Dan. When he gets all dressed up in black for school, with his hair straightened, and frown betraying his face, that’s fake Dan. That’s the Dan that he wants everyone to see. He doesn’t want people to see his ‘I love little children, and swingsets, and playing at the park’ side. He wants people to see his, ‘Cool collected basketball player with cool hair and oh-so-mysterious dark clothes’, which is kind of laughable.

I wonder if he’ll keep that shirt I let him wear. I hope he does, for some reason. It gives his wardrobe a variety. Plus I just want him to own something of mine. I wonder if that’s a weird thing to want?

I think about Dan until I fall asleep, still in my clothes.

Dan POV

After dinner, we went back into the living room and entertained for a bit longer. It was around nine when mum finally let me go to bed. I went to my room, and went directly to the window, to see if Phil was waiting for me. The curtains were closed, so he probably wasn’t. My high hopes dropped.

I really just want to see him again.


	19. Sunday Morning

Phil POV

Dan looks hot in a suit and tie. I see him through an upstairs window that he’s walking to his car with two women. One woman is short, thin, with a long brown high-ponytail. She is wearing a black and white polka-dot dress, and sunglasses. The other woman is also short, but she is quite bigger than the first. Her gray-brown hair is pulled into a tight bun. She’s wearing a purple floral print dress, and she’s clutching on to a book. Dan himself is in a black suit with a black shirt underneath, and a black-purple argyle tie. His hair was straightened instead of its natural curls that I prefer. He must be going to church.

I personally don’t go to church. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having religon, it’s just that I don’t really believe in that kind of stuff. Jesus walking on water? A little boy killing a giant with a slingshot? How believable is that? I don’t think the bible should be taken literally, but other people do. I try hard not to judge these people. Even though they may be a touch narrow-minded. Now if you believe in God, and understand that the Bible was written in a foreign language, and has many different translations, I appreciate you. But I know some family member of mine think the Bible’s meanings are quite literal, and they aren’t very fun people. I may or may not be talking about the Puritans. 

I wonder what Dan’s feelings about religion are? Is he Catholic? Maybe I’ll remember to ask him later. The family slammed their doors shut, and drove down the street, to some unknown place of worship.

Dan POV

Church is like Hell. Isn’t that ironic? You are forced to be somewhere you don’t want to be, with a bunch of people you don’t want to be by. Everyone is old, crabby, and smells like dead flowers. The pastor is an eighty-year-old man with a raspy, but loud, voice. The room is cramped, and I have a stranger sitting next to me in the pews. He smells like beef. 

Of course Aunt Vicky was going to make us go to church. I didn’t even realize it was Sunday, until mum woke me up at 6-fucking-a.m. She told me that my aunt wants to go to church. Which was fine. I was okay with that. But they she said that I had to go to. It’s not like I could have said no, that would have been incredibly rude. So now I am forced to sit on this stupid wooden bench with all these stupid people surrounding me, singing stupid songs and listing to this stupid pastor speak about things that he doesn’t even know about.

Maybe the reason I’m hating church so much is because of what the pastor is talking about right now. It’s kind of ironic, actually. He’s having the whole homosexuality is a sin speech. Every church must have had by now. With America and there Legal Gay Marriage, all the protesters in front of government buildings and such, its not a surprise to me that they are talking about it. It’s been big news. But we had to pick the one of THOSE churches. The ones that say, Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. If I was to go to church every week, I would prefer one of the modernized ones, that embrace technology, and aren’t prejudice. 

“Leviticus 18:22 states ‘You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.’” The pastor spoke, in his raspy, old person voice; but the voice boomed over the entire church powerfully. I rolled my eyes.

“Leviticus 20:13 states ‘If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them.’!” He continues. Some of the people in the peers began to mumble ‘amens’. 

“I must remind you, homosexuality is a choice. You can choose to betray God. And I want all of you to make the right choice. Stray away from temptation, and rise up against any negative influences that surround you.” I listened calmly, waiting for his rant to be over with.

“Let us pray.” Everyone started get out of there seats to bow there heads. I stood up too. I looked around, and noticed that I was the only one with there head up. I quickly looked down to my feet.

“Dear God who thou art in heaven, please protect us from temptation. Protect the innocent from going to a life of sin. Protect the youth, as they are the most likely to be tempted. Remind them, when they start to stray away, that homosexuality is a detestable act.” Good thing I’m bisexual. I smiled at the ground at my stupid joke. “We pray for you’re kindless. We are loyal to you and only you. We put you above all else.” He continued, and continued, and continued. I thought he would never stop rambling. I just stopped listing halfway through the prayer.

“Amen.” He finally spoke.

“Amen.” The crowd repeated.

“Now turn to page 103, to ‘Heart, and Lord I Love Thy.’” Everyone grabbed a song book out of the backs of the benches. The songbooks were at least one hundred years old, the cover was all worn, and the pages were yellow.

“Jesus, Lord and Savoir, take my Heart, and Lord I Love Thy.” Everyone started singing along, as I just held the book awkwardly in my hands, moving my lips, but having no words come out. I studied the music that went along with the song, instead of actually singing. Reading the music was actually more fun then anything at this church so far.

After the song, the pastor dismissed us.

“That was the longest two hours of my life.” I whispered to my mum, as we exited the church.

“Mine too.” She replied. I stifled a laugh.

“Alright, that was fun, wasn’t it?” Aunt Vicky appeared next to us, she clutched onto her bible as if it were her baby.

“Yeah it was.” I reply, straining not to roll my eyes.

“Now I want to go to some shopping, if that’s alright with you, Sue.” Vicky said, as soon as we got to the car.

“Yes, of course. But we should go back to the house first. I don’t think Dan here would want to go shopping with us, and I really don’t want to wear my Sunday best out and about.” My mum responded. Thank God for mum. 

“Oh, yes of course.” 

As soon as we got home, I made a v-line to my bedroom. I plopped onto my bed, and checked my phone.

Saturday 1:40 P.M.  
Louise: phowell!

Saturday 1:42 P.M.  
Louise: phowell, you better answer me!

Saturday 6:11 P.M.  
Louise: I saw you walking with phil! Were did you go?

10:23 A.M.  
Louise: Were did you go with phil yesterday answer meee!

How did Louise see me walk with Phil? She lives across town.

1 Second Ago  
Me: hi

Bzz Bzz

Louise: U no text me back :( 

She responded quickly.

Me: Sry

Bzz Bzz

Louise: you walked with phil

Me: ya how did u know that

Bzz Bzz

Louise: I saw you

Me: Where?

Bzz Bzz

Louise: I was a Zoes house

Oh. Zoe is one of Louise’s best female friends. She lives a few blocks down from me.

Me: we went to the park

Bzz Bzz

Louise: romanitic

Me: he kissed me

Bzz Bzz

Louise: YOU’RE SHITING ME!!!

I laughed at that

Me: im not, he kissed me at the park also don’t tell anyone, phil seems kind of sensitive to the whole I kissed someone of the same gender thing

Or at least that’s what I think.

Bzz Bzz

Louise: I swear I wont say ANYTHING, you kissed him?!?!?!?!

Me: yes we’ve established that

Bzz Bzz

Louise: what was it like

Me: Awkward

Bzz Bzz

Louise: no! how come?

Me: bc im an awkward guy

Bzz Bzz

Louise: well u got that right, sweety.

Just then, my bedroom door flew open. I turned my head to the door, and saw my mum walk in. She was dressed causally now in a blouse and jeans. Typical middle aged woman clothes.

“I’m going out with Vicky for a few hours.” 

“Okay.”

“And by a few hours, I mean we are probably going to stop at the casino, so we’ll be home around nine.” She stuck out her tongue humorously. I wonder how she could live that long hanging out with Aunt Vicky. My mum does love to gamble though.

“Yeah, that’s alright. I’ll manage. I’ll live on leftover beef stew and sleep the day away.”

“Sounds fantastic. So you’ll be alright then?”

“Yep.”

“Alright! Don’t wait up!” She walked out of my room, not closing the door behind her.

I instantly think of Phil. I could invite him over! Mum said she would be gone till nine, so we could sit around and play video games together, or listen to music, or…

I waited until I heard the car pull out of the driveway, before getting off my bed, and leaving my room. How am I going to contact Phil? I just realized I don’t have his number. I don’t really want to knock on his door either. I decide to walk outside, and see if he’s sitting on the porch like last time. After a quick glance out the front door, I can tell that he isn’t outside. I audibly sighed.

I went back in my room, and noticed something I didn’t see before. The curtain into Phil’s office is open. Maybe he’s in there? I go up to my own window, and try to look inside the room. My heart lunged in my chest as I saw a portion of black hair. I glance around the rest of the room, trying to see if he was alone. I saw that the door was shut, and that he was playing on his laptop, in the browsing position. I opened my window, and leaned over the two foot strip of grass to tap on his window softy. 

I saw his eyes dart quickly to me, and his face lit up. He smiled widely, and got up and opened his own window. 

“You want to hang out? My mum and aunt are gone and we could-“ He interrupted me before I could finish.

“Yeah! I’ll be right over!” He replied.

“Or you could, you know, crawl through the window.” It seemed like years since Phil jumped gracefully into my bedroom, and we stayed up until one in the morning listing to music. 

“I should probably tell my mum were I’m going.”

“Such a bad ass you are.” I teased.

“You know, you’re right. I’m almost an 18 year old man, and if I was to leave, I don’t have to ask her permission!” I could tell he was trying to sound all cool and impressive.

“That’s the spirit.” I giggled. I got out of his way, and he glided through the window easily. I’ll never know how he manages to climb through a window so gracefully.

He leaned back through the window, and shut his window leading to the office. Then he turned to face me. He looked me up and down. I blushed.

“Don’t you look impressive today?” He commented.

“I try.”

“What’s the suit for?” He asked.

“I went to church today. Didn’t really want to go, mind you.” I added.

“Did you have fun though?” 

“No not really.”

“That sucks. But at least you going to church today gave me the opportunity to see how good you look in a suit.” Was he flirting? I’ve never done flirting. How do you flirt? What if he’s not flirting, and I’m just overacting like normal?

“You like it?” Is what I said.

“Love it.” He grabbed my tie with his hand, and felt it in his fingers. I gulped. 

He pulled me towards him using the tie, and kissed me on the cheek. Then he let go. My face was flushed.

“What do you want to do today?” Phil asked me. “We could go to the park again, or maybe catch a movie?” Was he asking me on a date? I hope so.

“You want to go to the cinema?” I responded.

“Yeah, lets go see what’s on.” 

I led him out of my room, and into the livingroom, where the computer was sitting in the corner. I pulled up the theater webpage, and started browsing titles.

“The Avengers, Jurassic World, The Minons,” I started. “Let’s not see The Minons.”

“Agreed.” He laughed.

“Paper Towns, Mr. Penguin’s Mega School Bus Adventure in 3D,” I laughed at that last one. “I’ve already seen the Avengers.”

“I’ve already seen Jurassic World.” Phil commented.

“We could see Paper Towns?”

“Sure, lets do that.”

I checked the times, and there was a showing at noon, and four, and at nine. It was 10:49 right now.

“There’s a showing at noon.” I mentioned.

“Okay, sounds good. No one every goes to the movies at noon, so it won’t be too crowded either. What do you want to do for a hour though?” He asked. He doesn’t need to know what I want to do for an hour. I coughed uncomfortably. 

“I have a playstation 2, we could play the original Halo?”

“That sounds cool.”

So I got the consoul out of the closet, and searched through the dvd case to find the game. We sat on the floor in front of the tv, right in front of the couch.

“Look how horrible these graphics are. Oh my god.” I commented.

“I guess you could say they are, Halorrible.” Phil punned. 

“Oh gosh.” I laughed, and face palmed.

We played for a half an hour, then I decided I probably should’nt wear my suit to the movies.

“Be right back.” I told him, and went to my room to pick out an outfit. I opened my dresser drawers, and admired the outfits in them. Plain black t-shirt, plain black sweater, navy blue sweater, gray sweater, gray t-shirt. I have such a wonderful variety of clothes. I noticed the shirt Phil gave me a few days ago, the one with the cartoon t-rex dancing underneath a disco ball, lying in the corner of my room, and I couldn’t resist. So I put that shirt on, and decided to wear my one pair of skinny jeans that weren’t black, but a dark blue.

“Aww, you’re wearing my shirt!” Phil said, as I came back to the living room.

“I couldn’t resist temptation.” I said, having an inside joke with myself. I’m such a sinner.

“Well, it looks good on you.”

I blushed.

“So how exactly are we getting to the cinema?” Phil asked.

“Well it’s barely a half mile away, I’m sure we could walk. Do you even know where it is?”

“Yeah, I know were it is! I moved houses, not towns silly. But if were going to walk, we should get going now.”

“Okay.” I put on my shoes, and then realized Phil didn’t have his. So we stopped at his house real quick so he could grab his.

“Were are you going?” I heard Phil’s brother say, inside the house. I was waiting on the porch.

“Cinema.” He responded.

“Why?”

“Why not?”

“Okay whatever.”

And Phil walked out of the house.

“Oh, hey Dan.” Martin said, as he saw me on the porch.

“Hey.”

“You going to the movies too?” He asked.

Does it look like I am?

“Yeah.”

“Cool, have fun.” He said, and then shut the door.

“He’s a nosy bloke, isn’t he?” Phil commented, as we started walking down the pavement.

“Just a bit.”

As we got out of sight of our houses, Phil grabbed my hand.

“Is this a date?” I asked him.

“Yeah, probably.”

“Would this be considered out first date, or second date?” I questioned.

“Well I don’t think spending less than an hour at a park is a date. So probably our first date.”

I’m going on my first date with Phil!


	20. Going To The Cinema Makes Me Contemplate the Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no worries, there is no spoilers for Paper Towns by John Green in this chapter, or any chapter.

Dan POV

Before we walked into the cinema, Phil let go of my hand. My heart dropped a little bit, but I tried to ignore it. Together, we had fourteen pounds, enough for two tickets, but no concessions. But that’s okay, we really didn’t need any. When we entered the theater, it was already dark. I checked my phone, it was two minutes until noon, when the movie starts. The theater was mildy empty. There was some people, but not too many. The entire back row was empty, so we sat there. As soon as we sat down, Phil grabbed my hand again. I saw him look around us first, probably to check that no one was watching. I turned off my phone as the previews finished, and the movie started.

“I’m going to go have an existential crisis now.” I said, as the credits started rolling.

“Now let’s not do that.” Phil laughed. Everyone in the theater started to leave, but we hung back for a bit, eyes fixed on the screen. Phil moved his thumb up and down my hand. When everyone left, we got up as well. He let go of my hand, and we walked back to the cinema’s lobby. I turned my phone back on, and Phil did the same. 

“I thought it was inspiring. Lets just totally blow off school and go run off to some big city.” Phil teased.

“If I wasn’t such a pansy, I would.” I responded. I thought about how great it would be just to leave, without a care in the world. It’s not like anything matters anyway. We’re all going to die eventually, so who cares about consequences. There’s nothing we can do about dying, so why not make the most of you’re life well you still have it. There is no time to waste on hesitation. No matter what you do when you’re alive, it won’t matter in a million years. The earth will probably be all volcanic in a million years, and humans won’t even exist. So why does anything matter? The answer is, nothing does. I started to stare into space. 

“Earth to Dan.” Phil waved his hand in front of my face. I jumped.

“Sorry, spaced out there. I started thinking about how we all die eventually so we should live life to the fullest.” He giggled at me.

“Yeah? I guess that’s true.” He responded.

“Are you happy about your life now, Phil?” I asked him.

“Well, I wasn’t for a quite awhile. I’m still young though, so I have time.” His voice grew hesitant and quiet. “I’m happier now than I’ve been for years though…” He looked down at his feet.

I wonder if he’s referring to me.

Suddenly music starts playing. I recognize the song, it’s the beginning of ‘Madness’ by Muse. Phil took his phone out of his pocket. The music was his ringtone; he answered it.

“Hello?” He spoke. “Yeah.” Pause. “Okay, do you want me to see him before he goes?” Pause. “Okay sure, I’ll be home in half an hour, tell him to hold his horses.” Pause. “Yeah I’m coming.” Pause. “Alright bye.”

He looked over to me. “My brother’s headed back to University soon. Mum wants me to see him before he goes. I probably won’t see him until the summer after he goes back. Lets head out?”

“Yeah, okay.”

We walked out of the Cinema, and started walking back home.

“I like you’re ringtone. Muse is one of my favorite bands.” I commented.

“There my absolute favorite.” 

As we walked home, we talked about what songs we liked, and what other bands I like, such as Fall Out Boy and, ironically, a bunch of K-Pop bands. As we aproched our street, we were talking about why I listened to K-Pop, and why Phil doesn’t.

“You can’t even understand what they are saying!” Phil argued.

“You don’t need to know what they are saying, just listen to the music.”

“But what if they are singing about problematic things!”

“What kind of problematic things?”

“I don’t know, things!”

“You’re just K-Pop-Racist.”

“No! I just don’t understand the fine art of Korean Pop Music.”

“That’s for sure.”

As we approached our street, Phil said, “I’ll be back once Martin leaves for university, which will be in like, less than an hour? Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, my mum is gone until nine-ish. And even if she wasn’t gone, you still could come over. She wouldn’t bother us or anything. I mean, after my Aunt leaves. You shouldn’t come over when my aunts here. I don’t want you experiencing that.” I said that in a disgusted voice.

“Yeah, same with my house. If you ever want to come over, you can.”

I would make sure to take Phil up on that invitation. He walked up his porch steps, and walked through his front door. I watched him go inside, then went back to my own house, and into my room. I through myself on my bed, and decided to finally text Louise back. 

Me: have u seen paper towns yet?

BZZ BZZ

Louise: no y

Me: It makes you rethink your existance.

Louise: everything maeks you rethink your existence.

Me: not true

Louise: yes true. Who did u see it with

Me: phil

Louise: Phowell had a date!

Me: it wasn’t a date, no wait, yes it was

Louise: ahhhhh!!!!1!

Me: alright calm your tits

Louise: how did it go

Me: pretty good, actually. It wasn’t awkward. We did argue afterwords though

Louise: about what?

Me: k pop

Louise: (~) of course youd argue over that

Me: it wasn t really an arguemenet, more like a loud discusion on why k pop is gr8

Louise: and he still likes you? Lol

Me: I’d think so

We continued talking about my two day relationship with my neighbor, until I heard a knock on the door. I checked the time, it was three thirty. The movie ended at two thirty, it took about thirty minutes to walk home, so that is about three when I got home. Phil said it would take less than an hour to say his goodbyes to his brother. It must be him at the door. I got off my bed, to answer it.

Phil POV

“I’m home!” I shouted as I got inside.

“No one cares!” I heard from the kitchen. I rolled my eyes. That was always my greeting from my brother when I got home. 

I walked to the kitchen, where I saw Martin with a suitcase and backpack, eating a muffin. I saw the tray on the stove, and grabbed one too. 

“So you’re leaving?” I said, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah, but don’t worry too much. You’ll see me in a month. Think you can handle it?” My brother responded sarcastically.

“I’m sure I can.”

“How was the date?” He teased.

“What date?”

“Didn’t you go to the cinema with your new friend?”

“That doesn’t mean it was a date. I went with Dan.”

“Exactly, you went with Dan, which means it was a date. How cute, baby brother went on his first date.”

“I’m almost eighteen you know.”

“Yeah, and the fact that you just had you’re first date at eighteen years old is pretty sad.”

“It wasn’t a date!” I said defensively. 

“Okkayyy.” He rolled his eyes.

Mum came down the hall, and joined us in the kitchen. 

“You ready to go?” She asked.

“Are you going with him? I asked her.

“Yeah, I was the one who picked him up so I should be the one to take him back.”

“Okay.”

“So are you ready?” She asked him again.

“Yep, I’ve got all my stuff, got this muffin, all set.”

“Alright, lets head out.” Mum said.

We all walked out to the car, and Mum and Martin got in. Mum started the car. Martin rolled down his window.

“I’ll see you during the summer holidays, Phil. Make good choices when I’m gone!”

“I always make good choices!”

“Mhmm! You know what I mean!”

“Goodbye already!”

He laughed. “Bye!”

And they pulled out of the drive. I watched as the went down the street and disappeared around the corner.

I waited next to the drive for a few minutes, trying to think out what my brother meant by ‘make good choices’. He probably was just kidding, like he always is.


	21. Let's Win a Honeymoon to Paris

Dan POV

I peeked out the window, putting my fingers in between the dusty white shades in order to see outside. I wanted to make sure it was Phil at the door, and not some stranger trying to sell me something (which actually happens quite a lot). We locked eyes for a second, and I pulled my hand away, closing the gap in the shades. I leaped over to the door, and flew it open.

“Hi.” I said breathlessly.

“Hi.” Phil responded, and I guided him into the house. I sat down on the sofa, and Phil joined me; he made sure to leave no gap between our legs. 

“So Martin is off to uni again?” I questioned.

“Yeah, he’ll be back next month though, when summer starts.” He said it like it was a bad thing.

“Are you disappointed that he left, or that he’s going to come back?”

He giggled. “A bit of both, actually. Hey, when is your parents coming back again?”

“Mum said she would be home around nine, but she also said she wanted to go to the casino, which means she went to Manchester, so she’ll probably be back even later. Why?” I responded.

“That funny, my mum just took Martin back to UOM, so both our parents are in Manchester. Do you want to hang here, or go back to my place? We have muffins and an x-box at my house!” He made an adorable face of excitement.

“Well, sense my house has no food, and no x-box, we should go to yours.” I was exited that he even offered to go to his house. I can’t seem to stop thinking about the time we watched stupid television shows in his bedroom, and I kind of want to re-live that moment.

“Yay!” He stood up, and held his hand out to me, I grabbed it, and pulled myself up too. He didn’t let go of my hand after words. “Honestly, I just wanted another muffin.” He said humorously. I bumped my hip against him playfully. 

“I just wanted a muffin too.” I lied. A muffin is still a nice perk though.

Phil chuckled, and led the way out the door. He released my hand as we got outside, and didn’t grab it again until we were up his porch steps, and through the front door. 

There wasn’t even anyone outside to see us. I decided not to say anything.

Phil led me through the hallway, he was walking in front of me, and I was grasping his hand behind him. We went into the kitchen, and Phil made a b-line to the muffins that were in a tin on the stove. He grabbed one, and handed it to me, then took one for himself. I didn’t want to let go of his hand, so I pulled the wrapper off with my teeth, and did an awkward one handed shuffle with the muffin and wrapper so I could hold them separately with one hand. I tried to ignore the fact that Phil was staring at me as I did so.

“Here,” He let go of my hand, and took the loose wrapper out of my palm, then tossed it in the bin. He grabbed my hand back, and took a bite out of his treat, without removing the paper around it. 

“I guess I’m just not skilled enough to eat around the paper like you are.” I commented.

“’m ‘ery s’illed.” He answered with his mouth full. When he swallowed, he added, “You wanna play video games?”

“Sure.”

“Awesome. I just bought Borderlands 2 last week, and I haven’t played it yet. We should play it together.”

“Sounds fun.”

We went upstairs to the lounge, and Phil released my hand, and sat in front of the tv. He started digging through a pile of games and cords in a cupboard underneath the tv stand. I took a seat on the comfy, warn out, sofa. I watched as he through a controller to the side, then a bunch of cords to the other. He tossed the game box with the controller and the found a second controller, throwing that to the side as well. He shoved the cords back into the cupboard, and closed the door. He grabbed the game from his pile, and opened the case, grabbing the cd out. He tossed the case aside then pressed a button on the x-box that was on top of the tv stand.

He slid put the disk in the machine, and then grabbed the controllers before standing up and joining me on the couch. 

“We should make you a character!” He said, as he passed me a controller.

“Sure, that way I have a profile to log into.”

He pressed some buttons on his controller, and got to the screen where I make my own profile. 

“Here, I’ll let you do it.” He said, as he handed me his controller.

I named the profile simply, ‘Dan’, and went to personalize. I found a haircut that sort of matched my own, then went into outfits and picked out a black shirt, then some black pants and black shoes.

“Done.” 

“That was fast, it took me years to make my profile.”

“I knew exactly what I wanted. Black everything.” I said humorously. He elbowed me playfully, the grabbed his remote back. He got back to the home screen, and selected one of the many boxes on the screen. The game loaded, and we were taken into the title screen for Borderlands 2. 

There was shooting, stabbing, and thugs getting decapitated on a high speed train. This seemed like a great game.

“These graphics are weird.” I commented. It was almost like a comic book. “But I like it.”

“I like the fact that the blood isn’t too gory.” Just then, a new character appeared on the screen. It was a female with ridiculously huge breasts wearing what looked like a one piece bathing suit, and cargo pants that slid down, showing her thigh. 

“Oh look, it’s an overly sexualized female character!”

“Yeah, but her powers are pretty cool. It says on the case that she can do magic or something like that.”

The title screen ended, and a screen asking us to choose between four characters appeared.

“I want to be the woman. Magic powers sounds to cool to pass up.” Phil said. I just laughed at him. I picked a character that was completely ripped, he had no shirt and was super wide. He had a bunch of guns in his hands, and ammo laced around his arms. That’s my kind of character.

We started the game, and the first thing that popped up was a giant blizzard.

“Hey look, it’s Canada!” Phil said excitedly. I snorted.

Then a robot was shown coming out of the blizzard.

“Hey it’s Wall-E!” I said jokingly.

“Yeah, Wall-E with one eye.”

The robot said some dialogue, and me and Phil commented over it.

“No, were not dead. Nice observation.” I said sarcasticly.

:”What robot’s name is Claptrap?” Phil observed.

“This one’s apparently.”

“Oh I guess we are supposed to follow it. Look how high you jump!” Phil made his character jump, and it went up about three feet in the air.

“Low gravity? How do you jump?” I asked.

“A.”

I pressed A, and my character jumped in the air as well.

“Great, It seems like you can manage the task of walking short distances!” The robot on the screen suddenly said.

“Did that robot just make a sarcastic comment?” I ask rhetorically

“I think he did.”  
The on-screen robot led us into it’s house, that was full of filing cabinets and guns.

“Follow me, Minon!” The robot on the screen said.

“Minon? Who do you think you are?” I asked rhetorically again.

“Loot!” Phil suddenly said, and left the robot to start looting around.

“Loot!” I agreed, and started opening the many filing cabniets.

Phil suddenly started shooting randomly with a pistol the robot gave us.

“You’re wasting Ammo!” I said annoyingly.

He started shooting randomly some more. I tried to ignore the fact that he was WASTEING the ammo! We continued to play, with nothing interesting happening, until the robot led us outside, and a giant in-game monster appeared on the screen.

“Ah, holy shit!” I bursted out. The thing scared me. It was like a jump scare. Phil laughed.

The monster grabbed the robot and tore out its one eye.

“Whoop, it ripped out Claptrap’s eye.” Phil commented.

“So this is how they start a game? No tutorial or anything, just straight to the monsters.” I said, and then started shooting wildly at the large in-game beast.

“Ahh shoot it!” Phil squeaked. It was an adorable squeak.

We continued to play Borderlands 2 until it started to get dark. I heard a car pull into the driveway. 

“Your mum is home.” I mentioned. I wasn’t going to freak out like I did last time. She knew who I was now. “What time is it?”

“9 something.” 9 something! Holy crap, how long have we been playing that stupid game! I checked my phone to see if there was any messages from my mum, which I didn’t. I sighed in relief.

“I should probably go home now.” 

“Or you could just stay here…” Phil said shyly. I wanted to take him up on his offer, I really did, but what would happen if mum came home and I wasn’t there? I thought back to the movie we seen earlier today. Paper Towns. My mind went back to the mindset that I had after we watched the movie. We only have one life left, so might as well live it up. 

“Can I?” I asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Phil blushed.

I heard the front door slam shut. We listen to the footsteps go throughout the house, then eventually up the stairs.

“Hi, mum. Did you have a safe drive?”

“Yes, there was an accident on the highway though. Pretty bad by the looks of it. It cause a bit of a traffic jam.” She paused as she noticed I was in the room to. “Hello, Daniel.” Before I had time to answer, she continued, “Don’t stay up too late, Philip. I’m going to bed now. It’s been a long drive.”   
“Alright.” Phil answered, and his mum walked away. As soon as the door shut, Phil turned to me. You want to go to my room now?”

“Yeah, sure.” My heart lunged a bit. Phil went and turned off the x-box, as I went into his room. I sat on his bed, and scooted myself up against the wall. I crossed my legs, and tried to take even breaths, as my breathing was becoming shakey. 

Phil walked in a few minutes later, shutting the door behind him. He grabbed the tv remote off of his dresser before joining me on the bed. He sat right next to me, and I looked over at him. We stared at each other for a second before Phil casually put his arm around me, and turned his attention to the small tv on the dresser. 

“What hideous shows are we watching tonight?” He asked, as he turned on the televison.

I focused on keeping my voice steady as I said, “I’ll find something ridiculous, don’t you worry.”

“I’m sure you will.” He leaned towards me, and placed a kiss on my cheek. I exhaled a stuttering breath. 

I took the remote from him, and went to the channel guide. “We have, Millionaire Matchmaker, Myth Busters, Dirty Jobs,” I started to list off, “Ice Road Truckers, Pawn Stars,” I listing as I saw the show I wanted to watch. “Four Weddings.” I clicked select.

“Four Weddings? How can someone have four weddings?” Phil asked. 

“No, these four women go to each others weddings, and judge them. They give each other points for different categories like how tasty the food was, or how pretty the dress is. The winner gets a free honeymoon.” I explained.

“I want a free honeymoon! Let’s get on that show.” Phil teased. I blushed deeply at the mention of a honeymoon between us. I tried to keep my imagination at bay. 

“I would want to go to somewhere exotic, like Africa, or South America.” I said.

“Really? I was thinking more of Paris.”

“Paris? That is so cliché.”

“That’s why I want to go there!” 

“I’d go to Paris… You know, it’s not that far away.” I hinted. My imagination was totally not a bay as I thought of me and Phil and Paris. We would visit the Eiffel Tower, have cute coffee shop date, eat a bunch of baguettes… Baguettes? I’m such the romantic. 

“Lets go there then! We could go during the summer, before I have to go to university.”

“That would be fun… If we could get someone to pay for the train ticket!” I pointed out the obvious, sense none of us clearly has any money. “And we would have to reserve a seat, like, now.” Eurostar sells out fast, especially from London to Paris.

“We’ll figure out how to pay for it. And if it’s sold out, then we can make someone drive us!” 

“No one wants to drive us through the Chunnel, Phil.” I said reasonably. 

“What if we took mum or something? She might want to go, and then she could pay for everything too.”

I rolled my eyes at him. But if his mum would go with us, she could drive. It’s only like, six hours away, right? 

“It’s like, ten hours away though, so that’s an issue. But I bet should would take us, if I asked her.” He added.

Ten hours? That’s so long! I rather just take the train and spend a bunch of money that I don’t have.

“I’ll ask her what were going to do for the summer, and casually mention it.”

“Okay, but don’t get you’re hopes up.” I warned, because I could tell he was already getting excited. I honestly don’t think his mum is going to take her son to Paris, let alone her son’s friend that he met like, one week ago. Oh wow, I’ve only known Phil for a week.

I turned my attention to the tv. They were introducing all the brides now, and each was describe why she deserved to win the honeymoon prize. 

We watched the show, well making unnecessary comments the whole time.

“These girls are talking as the bride is walking down the isle! Are they stupid?” Phil comments. / “Yes, if I was the bride, I would bitch slap them all.” I respond.

“Who has doughnuts instead of a cake?” Him. / “What a freak.” Me.

“Does she really have chocolate handcuffs as party favors?” Me. / “Now that’s a real party.” He winked flirtatiously. I blushed.

“The flower girl forgot to throw the flowers. Guess who’s not getting a free honeymoon!” Me. / “Come on, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Him.

“Are they really eating before the ceremony?!” Him. / “That’s what they get for having the reception and ceremony in the same spot!” Me. “Oh gosh, now everyone else is getting food too, they are such bad influences!” Him. / “Oh no, what a disaster.” I said sarcastically.

“Whoa there, guys. They said ‘kiss the bride,’ not, ‘devour her with you’re saliva.” Me. / “That’s how I would seal the marriage.” Him. / “By devouring you’re parner?” Me. He giggled. “Hardcore.”

“Are the girls actually flirting with the bartender? There getting married!” Him. / “Well, he does look pretty nice in that suit.” Me. This caused a jealous look from Phil. “You look much better in a suit than that guy.” I hid my face in my hands to hide from my embarrassment. Phil noticed. “You do!” He added confidently. 

“I don’t know about that. This guy is pretty nice looking.” I said, as I uncovered my face to look at him.

“No,” He poked my side, “This guy is pretty nice looking.” I scoffed, and looked away from him.

I saw him lean towards me, and then felt his lips touch my cheek. I looked down at my lap, and bit my lip. I tried to ignore the fact that after he removed his lips from my skin, he didn’t pull away. Instead, he lowered his mouth to my neck. His lips grazed my skin softy. Every one of my skin cells started to scream, ‘Don’t touch me!’, and I tried to ignore it to the best of my ability. 

“Pretty nice looking.” I heard him mumble against my skin. My nerves were on fire.

He pressed his lips against my neck again and started sucking gently on my skin. 

Slowly, he lifted his mouth off of me, and tilted his head. He reapplied his lips to my neck. 

“Eep!” I squealed, as I felt the nerves on my neck go haywire. My neck has to be the most sensitive part of my body, and Phil just put his lips on it. My heart rate instantly increased when he touched me. I have to remind myself that we aren’t alone in the house.

He pulled away, and looked at me. “Sorry,” He murmured, and went back to kissing around my face. 

“No, no it’s okay, really.” I breathe. I strangely didn’t mind the sensation of his mouth on my neck. It was almost painful though. 

He kissed my cheek again, then pulled away, and stared at me for a second. He leaned his head over my neck again, and grazed it with his lips. I inhaled deeply.

He pressed his mouth harder against my neck, as I tried desperately not to make any funny sounds. It wasn’t until he bit it a little bit that I finally lost my willpower.

“Oh! Fuck.” I breathed, but this time, he didn’t look up to see if I was okay. Instead, he took this as an okay to bite harder. 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck….” I mouthed, trying hard not to make any sound. 

He lifted his face from my neck, and glanced behind me. Then without warning, he pushed me over. I landed softly on my back. Phil dropped with me, putting his hands out in front of him, so I was between them, and underneath his body. He leaned down and started kissing my neck again.

I tried to stop myself from moaning, I really did. But my mouth had a mind of its own. So I was left making weird grunts and sighs as Phil started sucking on my neck. 

I eventually just put my hand over my mouth to soften the noise.


	22. Anger is Outing

Dan POV

I wake up sweaty; and I feel a warm body wrapped around me. We’re underneath a blanket, which explains why I am unbearably hot right now. The sound from the television is slightly masked by his sleepy breaths against my neck. Whenever he inhales, my neck becomes cold, relieving me slightly of how hot I am under the blankets. I enjoy this moment before I force myself to open my eyes.

I’m facing the ugly green-blue wallpaper, wrapped in both a blanket and a set of arms that are wrapped around my waist. A head is leaned up against my neck. I shift around, to face my cuddler. His hair is sticking to his forehead, his fringe covering half his face. I untangled my arms from the blanket and swept the ebony hair into its correct position, my hand lingers in his hair. I twist my fingers around it carelessly, well looking behind him into the room. The clock on his dresser reads 7:08 A.M. Fuck, isn’t today Monday?

“Phil,” I pull gently the hair I was playing with. I waited a moment before I spoke louder, “Phil.”

“Mmm?” A soft moan came from his mouth. 

“We have school in, like, forty minutes.”

His eyes opened wide once I said that, but he didn’t attempt to get up.

“You’re neck, Dan.” He mumbled, and looked down at it.

“What about it?”

“I don’t even remember doing that.” He continued.

“Doing what?”

He released my waist, and pulled his arms out from the blanket. He grabbed his phone, and pressed a few buttons before turning the screen to me. He turned on front-view camera, and my curly-bedheaded hair came into view, I adjusted the camera so I could take a look at my neck. 

There were bruises. Purple and black bruises. Lots of them. I reached towards my neck and touched one. A stinging pain shot up me, and I quickly threw my hand off of the mark.

“I’ll cover them, somehow.” I handed the phone back. 

Wait, mum doesn’t know where I am. She has to be home by now. She had have checked up on me sometime in the night. And I wasn’t there. Oh man, she must be freaking the hell out! Who knows where her son had gone? But then again, my aunt is there, so she wouldn’t have made a big scene, would she? I don’t think she would. Maybe if I just slip back inside my room, and causally walk out in some pajamas she won’t notice? But first I need to cover up these damn hickeys.

I tossed the covers off of me, and crawled over Phil to get out of the bed. He ran his hand down my back as I shuffled over him. He got out after me, and together we went downstairs into the office. 

“Want to walk to school together? I’ll wait for you.” Phil grabbed my hand after I opened his window, stopping me from going into my own house. 

“Yeah, course.”

“Good.” He leaned in, and kissed my lips for half a second before pulling away. I turned away from him before he could see that I was red, and reached through the window to open up my own. I pressed my palms against the glass and pushed up, leaving hand marks on the window. I crawled over the desk, and plopped onto my bedroom floor. The door was closed. Maybe mum didn’t notice I was ever gone? 

I decide to change out of my jeans and into sweat pants before walking out of the room, just in case mum did happen to see me. I need to sneak into the bathroom and steal mum’s makeup to hide the bruises on my neck.

I through the jeans unceremoniously onto the floor, and opened the door. I looked around the short hall to see if anyone was around, which I didn’t. The bathroom is just at the end of the hall. Literally five steps, and I’ll be there. I took one step out of my room.

“Daniel!” 

I stopped in my tracks.

“Daniel where the Hell were you last night! I came in to check on you after we got home and I couldn’t find you! I told Vicky you were sleeping, but don’t do that to me! I had no idea where you were! Do you know how worried I was-“ I turned around to face her, extremely conscious of what was on my neck. Mum seemed to notice to, as she stopped midsentence to glare at the discoloration of skin.

“Tell me where you were Daniel Howell, or so help me I’ll-“

“I was here!” I lied, not knowing what else to say.

“I swear to God if you got someone pregnant last night you can pay for the child support all by yourself-“

“I didn’t get anyone pregnant!”

“Because it doesn’t matter if you used protection or not, its not 100 percent guaranteed-“

“I didn’t have sex with anyone!”

“Yeah right, a teenage boy disappears overnight and comes home in the morning with fucking proof that something other than PG happened-“

“I didn’t have sex!”

“Who did you go see? Do I know her? It was Louise wasn’t it! I swear Daniel if-“

“What! No! Louise and I are just friends- I didn’t-“

“If you don’t tell me where you were last night by the time I count to five you’ll be grounded for the rest of the year! One, Two-“ 

“I was at the neighbor’s house!”

“What? What neighbor? There’s not one person under the age of fifty on this block! Tell the truth-“

“Next door! Okay! I was next door!” I jabbed my finger in the direction of the house.

“Stop you’re lying, I know there’s no girl you’re age living in that hou-“

“Oh my god, okay! I have a fucking boyfriend okay! Shut up about girls would you! Oh my fucking God!” I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. 

Sinking to the ground I tried to even my breathing. Oh God, did I seriously just out myself to my mother? I grabbed my hair and yanked on it to get myself to calm down. Calm thoughts. Today I will walk to school with Phil, and have silly conversations about silly subjects like what it the cutest animal, or what color is the happiest. Then I am going to learn a bunch of stuff, then I’m going to go home, preferably with Phil, and then lock myself in my room, and feel bad for myself until I graduate. 

Sounds like a good plan.


	23. Independence

Phil POV

Okay so I know some new things about myself that I didn’t know last week. The first thing I know is that I’m one of those gay guys now, so that’s a thing. I wonder if this means I can wear scarfs now… I’ve always wanted to wear a scarf without being judged… 

The second thing I realized is that I am the clingy one in a relationship. Not that I’m in a relationship per say, I don’t want to jump to conclusions like that. But all morning as I was getting ready, all I could think of is the fact that I have no classes with Dan. How am I going to know if he does anything cute when I’m not around? What if he is the flirty kid and teases the girls when I’m not looking? 

I know him, but I don’t know the school side of him. There is always three sides to every person. There is the side you want you’re grandma/employers to see. The professional side. Then there is the side that you show when you’re by you’re self at home, or with immediate family members. That’s you’re true self. Then there’s the side you show to you’re peers. It doesn’t matter how old you are, whether you’re in school or not, you always have this side of you as well. The side that says, I want to be better than those guys. The side that wants to impress and be accepted by the people who are just like you. I’d like to say I’ve seen Dan’s homey side, because he seems different when he’s at school, but then again, he might have an entirely different side to himself just for me. 

After I changed into my uniform, skipping the shower, and straighten my hair, I went downstairs to meet the day. Mum was sitting on a stool in the kitchen. I went to the cupboards and grabbed a bowl, spoon, and cereal. I opened the fridge to grab the milk when she said, 

“Where did Dan go?”

“He left around, like, ten. He lives right next door you know.” I poured the milk over the cereal.

“Oh yes, I know.” She said almost humourously. 

“What’s so funny?” I asked accusingly, as I returned the milk to the fridge.

“Oh, nothing.”

I sat down on the stool next to her at started eating. I sat in silence for a few minutes before remember mine and Dan’s conversation yesterday.

“How far is France?” I asked casually.

“Haven’t we been there before?”

“Not to Paris.” I hinted, looking from my cereal to her.

“Is that what you’re getting at?”

“Possibly?”

“By train? Probably four or five hours.”

“Oh, that’s not so long.”

“And about one hundred pounds round trip per person.”

“But that is a lot of money.”

She laughed. “I could drive, but I think gas would cost more than the train ticket itself.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Do you want that to be you’re graduation present maybe? I think I could make that work.”

I coughed on my cereal. “Seriously! What about hotels and stuff like that?” Why am I asking more questions? Just take her answer as a yes and be happy about it!

“You could always stay in one of those youth hostel things. I’m sure there is one in Paris.”

“You wouldn’t be able to go then!”

“I don’t really have the ambition to go to Paris right this second. If I was to go, I would want to plan the trip a few years in advance. Book a nice hotel, save up some money, plan tours….” She started to get lost in thought about her own trip to Paris someday. I realize that this is the perfect opportunity to slip Dan into the equation.

“But I don’t want to go alone.”

“Don’t you have friends?”

“Do you think Dan possibly would want to…”

“You could ask him. But he has to pay for his own ticket.” She added quietly to herself, “So overpriced…”

“But, for a graduation gift, you would provide a round trip ticket to Paris, France. For your eighteen year old son. And you are also willing to let him go stay at a hostel. Alone. By himself.” Why can’t I just shut up?

“I thought you said you would have a friend tag along?”

“Yes but still.”

“You’re an adult. You can travel four hours away without you’re mother. You have a cell phone. You have a suitcase. You have my money. Go for it.”

I have never been so independent in my entire life.

I finished my cereal and then grabbed my backpack from my room before sitting on the porch to wait for Dan. 

I could go to Paris. I could bring Dan. We would go alone. It would be just like an adventure. We could rent a bed at a hostel, with a bunch of other travelling students. It probably wouldn’t cost more than five pounds a night. But now Dan needs money for a ticket? How are we going to make that work?

I hear a front door open then slam shut, and see him walk down the pavement towards my house. His hair is untidy with curls spilling everywhere. He is wearing the same pair of black jeans as last night, unless he has more then one, no wait, those are the ones from last night. I can tell because of the zippers on the pockets. He has his top half of his uniform (A white long sleeve shirt and dark blue tie) for a shirt, then plain black converse. He looks quite ridiculous. 

As he walks up my porch, I can tell from his eyes that he has been crying. He tossed his bag from his back, then pulled me into a suffocating hug. 

“What’s up?” I ask him, pulling him away from me before anyone saw us. 

“Let’s just go.” He murmured, and grabbed him bag from my porch before walking down the steps. I grabbed my own bag and followed him onto the pavement.


	24. The Title

Phil POV

Dan looks like his is in hell. Not just in his grundgy, outer appearance, but you can see it in his eyes as well. You can see it in the way he walks down the pavement, his head down, his feet dragging across the cement. 

I couldn’t see how he was doing in his first couple of classes, and I had to wait until lunch to see if he cheered up at all. I don’t even know why he’s down.

I saw him sitting alone at a lunch table. The cafeteria was mostly empty still, as I took a seat next to him, not bothering to get in the food line. 

“How was class?”

“Alright.” He cupped his head into his hand.

“You never told me what’s wrong this morning.”

“Well, I went home and-“ He stopped, as he saw two people approach us. I looked behind me to see who was invading our conversation. Louise and Zoe were coming towards us, lunch trays in hand, then sat down on the opposite end of the circular lunch table.

“Hullo!” Zoe waved cheerfully, picking up the apple on her tray.

“Dan? Are you alright?” Louise leaned closer into him, inspecting his eyes.

“Yes.” He responded glumly.

“That’s a lie, no you’re not. What’s wrong?” Louise pressed, then she glanced under the table. “Are you seriously wearing converse?” 

“Yeah, I couldn’t find my loafers.” 

“Okay, I guess you couldn’t find you’re trousers either, because those are obviously jeans.” Zoe commented, after looking underneath the table as well.

“No, they were just dirty.” He responded. I almost laughed at that, because the jeans he is wearing now aren’t exactly clean either, but I didn’t.

“Oh, okay.” Zoe said suspiciously. 

Zoe and Louise talked to each other well Dan and I sat there in silence. Well, that was until five more people decided to invade our table. I recognized them all as members of the basketball team. Dan ignored them until one said,

“Yeah, were playing against Roscommon tonight. It should be an easy win.”

“Fuck.” I heard Dan whisper beside me. I leaned in to him so we could have our own privet conversation. 

“What is it?” I said under my breath.

“I have a game tonight at four, totally forgot. My jersey is at my house. I’ll have to get home quick, grab it, and come back before the game starts.”

“I’ll get you out of class early, if you need.” I told him. I could do that. I’m a senior, I can do anything.

“Seriously? How?”

“I’ll get out of my own class, then I’ll show up to yours, and ask if you can help me with something. Easy.”

“Oh yeah, I have study hall anyways last block. It shouldn’t take too much convincing.”

After lunch, then math, then halfway through Human Anatomy, I told my teacher that I needed to do something down at the computer lab. She asked me a few questions, such as, ‘what do you need to do at the computer lab’ and ‘how long will it take you’ but I eventually got out of the class. I walked to Dan’s study hall, and told the teacher I needed him for some project down at the computer labs. Always tell the same story, just in case the teachers start talking to each other. Soon we were headed out the school twently minutes before the bell rings.

“Okay, not to pressure you or anything, but if we are going to make it to my game on time, you need to start hauling ass.” Dan said, as he stared jogging away from the school. I joined him, and being as unfit as I was, was very sweaty and out of breath by the time we got to his house.

“Mum’s at work.” He said, as he walked through the front door. I followed.

He started getting undressed as he walked through his house. I stayed close behind him as he started working on undoing his tie, then throwing it in the middle of the floor. I stopped to pick it up. He pulled his shirt off in one swift motion and tossed that behind him as well. I grabbed that as well. We reached his bedroom, and he started pulling dresser drawers open widely, grabbing clothes and slinging them everywhere. I tried to ignore the way the muscles in his back moved as he moved around the room. He eventually found the top to his jersey, and slipped it on. It was navy blue with white lettering (Howell 82). 

Not bothering to warn me, and started to pull off his jeans, and then kicked them off into a corner. My eyes may or may not have darted to his groin area before looking anywhere else but him. I dropped the tie and shirt I was holding to the floor. 

He reached down and shuffled through some clothes laying in a pile on the floor, until he found his basketball shorts, and took no time at all to hop into them, and walk out back out of the room. I hesitated for a moment, thinking of how I sort of saw him naked, before following him out of the house and back down the street.

“What time is it?” He asked me. I checked my phone, well walking.

“3:28” 

“Okay, the game starts at four, which means I probably should be at the school in fifteen minutes. We don’t have to run.”

“Well, that’s good, because if there is one thing I dislike, it’s running.” I teased, earning a chuckle from him. It seems like in his rush, he forgot to be sad, which is a good thing I guess. I don’t want to bring it up, and make him sad again, but I want to know why he was acting the way he did at school today. “So, what happened this morning.” I asked, as we walked towards the school.

“Oh, yeah.” He looked around, then continued. “Well, as you can tell, I covered up the bruises.” He gestured to his neck, which was clear of imperfections. “But not before my mum saw. She kept telling me I was going to get some girl pregnant, and I was getting sick of her mentioning a girl, so I kind of blurted out that I was seeing, well, not a girl. I managed to avoid her the rest of the morning. I haven’t talked to her sense I said that.”

“What exactly did you say?” I asked, I wanted to know if he actually admitted to being with a guy, or if he is just over exaggerating, like he tends to do.

“The details don’t matter.”

“Sure they do.”

“No they don’t. Besides, it’s embarrassing.” 

“I don’t care. You can be embarrassing in front of me.” I playfully shoved him.

“Er, right.” He started to go red. “Well I said something along the lines of, ‘I was at the neighbors house’ and when she said there’s no teenage girls living there I added something like, ‘will you shut the hell up about the whole fucking girls thing.’” He looked down to his feet.

“That’s not bad! It’s not like you told her that you were gay or anything.”

“Oh, that’s not it.” He mumbled.

“Go on, then.”

“Well I kind of said, don’t be angry with me about calling you this, ‘I have a fucking boyfriend’.”

“Oh. Yeah. That’s kind of admitting you’re gayness.” I paused before adding, “Did you really call me you’re boyfriend?”

“Sorry, just that I wasn’t thinking and-“ He started to defend himself.

“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind the title.”

“Oh.”

“Do you mind the title?”

“No.” He answered quickly.

“Is that our title now?”

“If you want it to be.” He mumbled.

“I want it to be.”

He blushed, and kicked a pebble down the pavement.

“I’m not gay, by the way. I’m bi.” He said after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

“That’s okay. I don’t even know what I am.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I guess I could call myself ‘Dan-sexual’.”

He snorted at the one, and bumped his hip against me. 

“That sounds like an actual sexuality. You could patent that.”

“You’re my boyfriend.” I said to myself. I just wanted to test the word. See how it felt to say it. It felt good.

“I’m you’re boyfriend.” He whispered, mainly to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually made a twitter, so thats new. If you want to follow me it's 'tastefulcucumbe' (no, there isn't an 'r' at the end, that would be TOO MANY CHARACTERS (eye roll)) 
> 
> actually, i'll just put the url here:
> 
> https://twitter.com/tastefulcucumbe


	25. Getting Caught Up in the Game

Dan POV

The hallway to the gym was crowded with a mix of parents, siblings, and the occasional basketball supporting highschooler. Phil and I (well, mostly me) shoved people out of the way so I could get to the locker room before the players went out onto the court. We passed the door to the gym, and Phil stopped next to the doors. 

“I’ll be in the stands, win for me?” He winked, and walked into the crowded gymnasium, leaving me blushing by myself at the gym entrance. 

Did he wink on purpose? What did that mean? Man, what if I lose, he’ll be so disappointed. He may even be embarrassed. I can’t embarrass him, I-

Someone bumped into me, snapping me out of my thoughts and bringing me back to reality. I continued to head towards the locker rooms; I was fully running as I pushed people out of my way.

“Where have you been!” Caspar, one of my teammates, called out as I dashed into the locker room.

“I… Had… To… Grab… Uniform…” I panted between breaths. 

“We were going to have to put Joe in you’re place. Joe! You know how crap that would have been!” Caspar continued, gesturing with his arms wildly. 

Joe Sugg was our benched player. Aka, he only ever plays when someone is gone, and we need a replacement. He is mostly here for moral support. The idea that Joe would have to actually play is almost cringe worthy, saying that the boy was two heads shorter then the rest of the team and couldn’t make a basket to save his life. 

“What’s wrong with putting me in?” Joe suddenly appeared from behind a set of navy blue lockers.

“You know we all much rather have Dan in then you.” Caspar said blatantly. 

“I can play!” Joe insisted.

Caspar and I shared a look. Caspar rolled his eyes and went to his locker. I gave Joe a slight smile and went to my own, so I could put my phone in it.

“You’re here! Good, I didn’t think putting Joe in was the best idea.” 

I turned from my locker to face Jack Harris, one of our rare above-average players.

“Yeah, I came just in time didn’t I?” I joked.

“Why were you late, mate? Everything okay?” He pressed.

This has been the first time anyone asked me if I okay in what feels like forever. Am I okay? Well, I’m literally afraid of looking my mother in the eyes when I go home eventually. That’s not really okay.Part of me hopes she will never talk about it ever. But if she doesn’t; I don’t think I could handle not being able to look her in the eyes. But this wasn’t the question Jack asked. He asked why I was late. He asked me if there was a problem getting here. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I forgot the game was today, so I had to run home, grab my jersey, and run back. It was in the wash.” I explained. 

“Oh, alright. Well, glad you made it on time.”

Phil POV

I watched as the opposing team, some short kids in orange and yellow jerseys, practice dribbling a ball between each other. The coach is yelling at them as they do this, and I am glad I never signed up for any sports. 

After a few minutes of waiting for the game to start, I see our team in their navy jerseys comes onto the court. 

I had no idea what was going on the entire time. The ball was dribbled around, players were getting into eachothers faces. I kept my eye on Dan, which was fairly simple as his hair was a long curly mess, the only curly mess on the court. I saw him get the ball away from an orange shirt that was a foot shorter than him, and dribble the ball towards the left side of the court before throwing it. It landed in the basket it a swosh. I looked at the scoreboard, and I see the basket he made gave his team three points. Maybe I should make Dan teach me how basketball works, because I don’t see how he got three points instead one, like how it’s been happening. The home side of the court erupted in cheers, and I decided to join them. As Dan was running back to the middle of the court, I saw him glance up at the stands, and he caught my eye for a millisecond. I saw him shake his head a bit, and continue with his game.

He was obviously one of the best players on the team. The only other player that made as many baskets as he did was Jack, who was in my grade. The other players, like Alfie and Casper from Dan’s grade just seemed to follow the rest of the team, staying behind the action. They act like total jocks at school, where as Dan and Jack avoid attention. I just goes to show that the people who brag the most aren’t necessarily the best at what they do. 

Half time came, and the teams went back to there benchs. I watched as the visiting team got chewed out by their coach. I turned my attention to the home team, who was all happily chatting to one another. I saw Dan had all of his attention on Jack. They were talking, and then I saw Dan’s face open up into a smile, possibly laughter. 

What’s so funny? I didn’t know Jack was so… Interesting... to be around. He’s not all that great, so why is Dan so happy when they are talking to each other? Look at him. At Jack. His hair is so pointy, and then he has those eyes that are too far apart. I’m much better looking then him! ‘No, he’s perfect, look at him. He has you’re blue eyes, but his shine more. He’s shorter than you. Like a normal person should be. You’re just a freaky giant. Look how perfect his teeth are! There so white and straight!’ My little voice told me in a mocking voice. Jack’s way better then I’ll ever be! I’ll never been so sporty, or so modest! I’ll never be able to light up the room like he can!

Oh God, I’m jealous aren’t I? Well, at least I admit it. Besides, Dan’s mine now. There is no reason to hate on someone so much better, so much more worthy, then yourself.

Half time came to an end, and I watched as they got off the bench together, and then walked on the court together, still talking. What could they possibly be talking about!

My mind didn’t relax as the game continued. Into the forth quarter, I started to convince myself that Dan fancied Jack, and I was his second choice. It’s funny: I am fully aware that I came to that conclusion through peer jealously, and I know that it’s not true, but I still can’t help but think that’s what’s going on.

The game ended, 25-30. We one by five, which is probably a close game, but I don’t know to much about basketball to be certain. People left the bleachers, one family at a time, until it was just me, waiting for Dan to come and find me. 

“No, I really don’t feel up for it tonight.” I heard from the hall. I could tell just by the voice that it was Dan speaking.

“Yeah, I understand, it’s a school night after all.” 

I saw as Dan came into the gym, followed by Jack. My head started to throb with emotions. 

 

“There you are!” Dan looked at me, then started up the bleachers.

“Here I am.” I responded shortly.

“Well, I’ll catch you tomorrow!” Jack called out, and began to leave the gym.

“Later!” Dan shouted in response as Jack left the gym.

Dan took a seat next to me, and then put his head on my shoulder.

“What aren’t you up for tonight?” I asked skeptically. I already came up with ridiculous scenarios where Jack invited Dan to the movies, or to go and get dinner together. 

Dan seemed to notice my tone, and lifted his head off of my shoulder. “The team is going to Caspar’s tonight to celebrate. I told them I didn’t feel up to it.” He responded, grabbing onto my hand.

“Why didn’t you want to go celebrate?” I asked, kind of feeling bad about my attitude towards him.

“These ‘celebrations’ are less of a celebration and more of a beer-fest.” He responded. So it was almost like a teenage party. Something I’ve never even heard of in real life. Only in movies. 

“Have you been to this ‘beer-fest’ before?” I asked. As much as I wanted him to say, ‘No I would never do that! I am underage and much to good for any sort of thing!’, I doubted that would be the case.

“Heh, um, yes. I honestly get pretty hammered at them, and I didn’t feel like waking up with a sick hangover.” He answered, turning red. “Also, I wanted go home with you.” He added shyly and softly.

“You can always go home with me,” I muttered as I leaned in and kissed him gently. I tried to ignore the smell of sweat. His curly hair stuck to my forehead, which was pretty cute and gross at the same time. I pulled away first, not wanting to get to intimate in the high school gym bleachers. 

I heard Dan gasp quickly, but I could tell that he wasn’t looking at me, but across my shoulder. I shifted my body around to see what, or more likely, who, he was looking at.

“Woah, Dan, I didn’t know you were gay!”


	26. Wait for Me

Dan POV

“Oh, um Caspar, no, I’m not-“ I stuttered. I glanced at Phil’s accusing facial expression, and attempted to ignore it.

“It’s okay I won’t tell anyone!” He said, then sprinted back out the doors.

“He’s going to tell everyone.” I breathed as I looked up towards the ceiling.

He’s going to the locker room and tell someone. Probably Alfie. Alfie is such a tool, he’s going to tell everyone else! Oh no, the locker room. What if there going to think I was looking at them or something stupid. They’ve got to think I’m a big pervert! Maybe if I tell them that I’m not gay they’ll believe me? I mean, it’s Caspar who saw, and everyone knows Caspar’s a joke. Why am I worrying so much then! 

“No one will believe him. Not if I say that he’s lying.” I say to myself, then sigh.

“Does it matter that much?” Phil said, letting go of my hand and sliding away from me.

“Huh?”

“Why does it matter?” He repeated, pursing his lips. I wonder if this is what he did when he’s angry. I never seen him mad before, so I can’t tell if he is or not. I decide to play it safe.

“I was thinking about you! No one knows about you yet!” Which was true. I saw his eyes soften.

“Oh, you know, I don’t think any of my friends would care too much. My brother already thinks we’re together, which he’s right. Mum kind of asked me about it too, didn’t she?” He looked away from me for a few moments before adding, “You know I’d never think I’d say this, but I’m okay with liking you. I’m okay with everyone else knowing that I like you too.”

Ah, shit. 

“Yeah?” I ask kindly.

“Heh, yeah.”

I’m still saying that Caspar lied. Phil doesn’t need to know that. I’m not comfortable with my own mother knowing. There is no way I’m going to let the team know that too.

Phil POV

I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell mum I’m with Dan. Or maybe that’s too much, maybe I can just tell her that I might think I like Dan. Then I can be like, ‘I think Dan likes me too’. Then I can tell her Dan does like me too, then I can do something like ask her if I should ask him on a date. Then she can think we just started dating. Yeah, I should take it nice and slow. 

I feel physical weight lift off my shoulders. I thought that was just an expression. 

“I’ll be right back.” I heard Dan say in a rushed voice, and then he stood up and ran down the bleachers.

“Wait, where are you going?” I ask, and he hardly turns around as he says,

“I’ll be back in like, five seconds! Just stay there!”

Um, alright?

Dan POV

I can’t handle it. Caspar said something by now. They are in the locker room talking about me. Talking about how gross I am. How they think I look at them when there changing, how they should have know. Oh god; I imagine Jack’s face in discust, thinking about all the times where he was nice to me. He probably thinks I fancy him or something. Which is kind of true, but he doesn’t need to know that. I need to set things straight. Heh- set things: straight. Uh what am I joking for! I need to go. I need to-

“I’ll be right back!” I start sprinting down the bleachers, hopping down them loudly, almost tripping once. 

“Wait!” Phil calls out. I turn to face him quickly, then turn back around and hop completely off the bleachers. “Where are you going?”

“I’ll be back in like, five seconds!” I call out to him, and I run across the gym to the doors. “Just stay there!”

I sprint down the halls, and almost pass the locker room, grabbing on the wall, and swinging my body inside the doorframe. I stop before I get fully in the room, and try to calm down. 

They’re in there. They’re talking about me. I know it. I stop to listen behind the wall separating the doorframe and the actual lockers.

Everyone was talking at the same time, so I decide to focus on one conversation. 

“Man, Jack, that was a wicked freethrow, you know, then one where-“

I tune that conversation out and listen harder.

“…weekend. Maybe we should start planning the parties during the weekend? I’m tired of being wasted on a school night.”

I tune them out too.

“I swear, Alfie, that’s what I saw!” I hear Caspar’s slight lisp, and I try to listen harder.

“Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to party with us tonight. He’s got his own party with that senior tonight.”

“Yeah, I don’t even know who he was with. I’ll point him out if I see him. I just know he’s in Jack’s grade.”

“I can’t believe he never told us! I feel untrusted!” Alfie said. I had to stifle a laugh. You are untrusted Alfie. More untrusted then Caspar.

“I know, right? Wait until Jack finds out. He’ll shit his pants.” 

“More like he’ll try to get into Dan’s pants.”

“Oh my god,” Caspar laughed. 

They’re going to tell Jack? Fuck! At least they don’t seem absolutely repulsed. They seem to think it’s funny. And they don’t even know who Phil is, so that’s good. But they can’t tell Jack! If they tell him, we’ll never be the same again! He’s going to know I like him! It’s so obvious, isn’t it?! We’ll never be able to hang out casually without feeling awkward! 

“Jack!” I hear Alfie shout from across the room.

“What!” I heard respond back. 

There was a small pause,

“Why’d you want Dan to go to the party so bad?” Caspar said teasingly. His voice was quieter, so Jack must have went over to them. At least there not shouting from across the room.

“I just asked him he wanted to come.” Jack responded, in a confused tone.

“Yeah, you want to know why he isn’t coming?” Alfie said. Oh no.

“Because it’s a school night.” Jack responded casually. 

“That’s not the only reason!” Caspar said as Alfie started laughing.

“What are you getting at?” Jack asked accusingly.

“He’s going to have his own festivities tonight!” Caspar continued. Alfie was cackling. 

“What?” Jack responded, genuinely confused. 

“Yeah,” Alfie joined in, still laughing. He took a breath before adding, “With his,” He started cackling again. 

“Boooyfriend.” Caspar finished for him, and then burst out in laughter too. 

“Boyfriend?” Jack asked, as if he didn’t here them correctly.

Caspar caught his breath before saying, “He was totally snogging some guy on the bleachers. Walked in on them. You should have seen his face, it was priceless!” He started up his laughing fit again.

Alright this has gone on way to far. I took a deep breath before walking into the room. 

No one paid much attention to me, and Alfie and Caspar were still laughing like mad. I went to my locker and opened it up. Nothing was in it besides some deodorant and a jacket. I took out the jacket to make it seem like I came in for something, and closed the locker door with a slam.

“You sure you don’t want to come over tonight, Dan!” I heard Caspar shout from across the room. I verbally sighed.

“No, not tonight.” I shouted back.

“Busy tonight?” I heard overtop of everyone else’s voices.

Should I humour them? No, that will just make it seem like Caspar was right.

“Not really.” I call back.

“You sure?” I heard Alfie say, as Caspar was the one uncontrollably laughing now.

“I’m sure.” 

I started towards the exit. I was almost there until I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

I bit my lip and turned around.

“Hey, Jack.”

“Mind if I walk with you?” He asked. 

“No.”

We walked out of the locker room and down the hall a bit, away from the gym where Phil was waiting. Shit, Phil was waiting for me.

“So Caspar told be something interesting today.” He started.

“Yeah?”

“Something that I thought you would trust me enough to know.” 

Ah fuck, is he mad that I didn’t tell him? I’ve only ever told Louise. 

“Um, yeah, about that-“ I started nervously.

“You know, I don’t care right? It’s not like now that I know you are a completely different person to me, because you’re not.”

“I’m not gay.” I said quickly. If he’s going to know, he might as well know that I’m not gay.

“Caspar said-“

“I’m bisexual. Now don’t tell anyone. That would be great.” I added. Like it mattered anymore, Alfie and Caspar is going to tell anyone anyways.

“I won’t I sware I won’t. But that’s not the point. The point is, I thought we were good enough friends that you could come to me with stuff like this.” Jack continued.

I honestly didn’t think so. But if he thought so, maybe where better friends than I thought. Or at least in his opinion. 

“I’m sorry, I just never told anyone. My mum didn’t even know until this morning.”

“You’ll come to me with other important things though right?”

“Yeah, always. And you can come to me too, of course.” I didn’t know he thought of us as this good of friends. 

“Good.” He said. Then paused before adding, “Who are you dating, if you don’t mind me asking? It’s okay if you don’t want me to know.”

“Philip Lester. He’s in you’re grade.” I said. Phil said he doesn’t mind anyone knowing. So hopefully he doesn’t care.

“I kind of know him. He’s quite smart. Top grades in all of his classes. I asked him to help me with maths before.”

“Speaking of Phil, he’s kind of waiting for me. I should go.” I said. I’ve been keeping him waiting for too long.

“Oh, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

“If I don’t have a hangover that is.”

“Don’t drink that much then.”

“Good point. See you later.”

I waved goodbye before setting off towards the gym. That didn’t go as planned. I was suppose un-out myself! Ah fuck it.


	27. Jealousy and Jungle Gyms

Phil POV

I heard Jack and Dan’s voice in the hall. I went down the bleachers, and sat at the last row, nearest to the door, so I could listen in. But by the time I got to the bottom, the voices disappeared. What was Dan doing with Jack again? Why did I care so much? 

I took a deep breath, attempting to control my jealousy. 

Dan POV

“Where did you go!” Phil shouted as I entered the gym. He was still on the bleachers, but he moved from the middle to the bottom row towards the corner. 

“I had to get my jacket.” I responded calmly, lifting my jacket for him to see. It was a black raincoat.

“I could have gone with you to get it.” He responded skeptically. 

“It was in the locker room.”

“So?” He questioned. Ugh, what’s with the interrogation here? I decided to change the subject.

“Ready to go?”

“I was ready ten minutes ago when you left me to get a jacket.” He rolled his eyes as he said ‘jacket’. Does he not think that’s what I was doing, because hey, it kind of was. What does he think I went off to do?

“What are you talking about? I did go get my jacket!” I raised it up higher for him to see.

“And that took ten minutes?” He asked accusingly.

“What else would I have been doing?”

“Oh I don’t know.” His tone of voice told me he did know. Or he thought he knew something.

“Seriously, what did I do wrong?” 

“Oh, nothing.” He rolled his eyes again. What is with the attitude?

“Okay then, let’s go?” I asked him. With the mood he’s in right now, I don’t know if he wants to walk home with me anymore. But if he didn’t he would be here waiting around for me, would he? 

“Whatever.” Phil sighed, and got off the bleachers to join me at the gym entrance. Someone’s being a moody teenager. I decided to be the bigger person and try to pretend that he isn’t having and attitude with me.

I walked out of the gym and into the hallway. He joined me, and I playfully bumped into him. He just ‘hmph’ed in return. I looked around the hall to make sure it was empty before attempting to grab his hand. He rolled his eyes at me, but didn’t let go. 

“What’s wrong?” I ask him, because he’s not being crabby about nothing.

“Nothing. I’m just being stupid.” He responded lightly. Well, yes, I completely agree with that.

“Why are you being stupid?” I press on. 

“Because.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. I started swinging our hands playfully. I pushed them up to the ceiling, then let them fall back to the floor. That gained a smile from Phil.

“What are you doing? Trying to pull my arm out of its socket?” Phil asked as I continued to swing our arms in the air, then let them drop. 

“Just enjoying this moment.” I responded, but stopped the aggressive swinging and replaced it to more of a mild sway.

“You’re such a dork.” 

As we approached the school entrance, or exit, whatever you want to call it, I released his hand. There was families still gathered at the exit.

“Did you just let go of my hand because there’s people around?” Phil asked me. I blushed and shrugged in response. I thought we didn’t a have a problem with keeping the PDA away from everyone else. 

“You did! You know, no one is going to care about two school boys holding hands as they walk down a hallway.”

“Did you really refer to us as ‘school boys’?”

“Well, I never did change out of my uniform. Actually, this tie is getting uncomfortable.” He started fiddling with it, as we approached the doors, so I went out first, then held the door open for him, as he continued messing with the tie. 

“Ladies first.” I chuckled, as he walked through the door. He didn’t stop and wait for me when some family decided I was going to be their door-opener too. 

“You’re the lady.” I heard him say, and I let the door go as soon as the family passed through and jogged a few steps to catch back up with him.

“You know, Americans don’t wear school uniforms.” Phil said as he finally got his tie undone.

“I’ve watched enough MTV to know this, yes.” I responded.

“Why do we have to?”

“Ask the government.”

“Because I only have two pairs of trousers and I get tired of washing them all the time.”

“I think it has something to do with the fact that it’s an easy dress code.”

“It’s just expensive.”

“The children also won’t be judged on the clothes they can or can’t afford. It makes the children feel more social accepted know that they were the same thing as everyone else.”

“It’s going to be in my taxes.”

“Isn’t a child being more socially accepted by their peers more important that taxes?” I respond sarcastically.

“Not at all.”

We continue our worthless banter for a few blocks, until I see the park we where at only a few days ago.

“You want to go to the park?” I ask him.

“The sun is already setting.” He said, looking up at the orange ball of gas in the sky.

“So?”

“If you want to, fine.”

“Yay!” I say childishly. I toss my jacket onto the nearest picnic table, and run to the nearest playground equipment, which happened to be a red rusty swingset. “Push me!” I joke.

Phil just laughs at me, but a few moments later, I’m sitting on the swing set as he’s pushing my back every couple of swings. He stops eventually, and sits on the swing next to mine. I kick my feet into the ground to stop the swing, and rock my feet against the ground. I look through the leaves in the trees, and I can almost see the sun dipping lower into the horizon.

“It’s too bad all theses trees are in the way.” Phil mutters. He might have been talking to himself, but I answer him anyway.

“I like how woodsy it is. It makes it feel like you’re in a forest.” 

“Kind of remote feeling, isn’t it?” Phil agrees.

“It makes it feel like we’re the only people here.” I respond.

“We are the only people here.”

I look around, and he’s right.

“I’m going to try something.” Phil announced, and got off the swingset. He started walking towards a tall red and yellow jungle gym in the shape of a castle, and I watched as he climbed to the top tower. “Alright, here’s the tricky part.” He called from the tower. 

He climbed onto to the railing, standing between the tower and the fifteen meter drop.

“What are you doing?” I shout at him. “Don’t hurt yourself!”

He skillfully grabbed the roof of the jungle gym with one hand, well holding onto a rusty yellow pole with another. Then he quickly transferred his hand from the pole to the roof. I held my breath, thinking he was going to fall, as he jumped from the railing, and onto the roof. He landed stomach first onto the top of the tower, and then slid the rest of the way to the top.

“You’re turn!” He called down to me. There is no way in Hell that I’m doing that. 

“I’m not climbing on that!” I announced, but I got off the swingset and headed towards to the jungle gym anyway.

I looked up at him when I got to the base of the playset. I come to the conclusion that I will defiantly die if I tried to get up there. 

“It’s easy, trust me!” Phil said, then patted the space next to him, telling me to join him. “You’re tall enough that it’s not even a jump, just more of a ‘put you’re leg over the roof and push yourself up’.”

Yeah, easy for you to say.

But my feet disobeyed my conscience, and I climbed to the top of the tower. 

“Now stand on the railing.” I heard him call from above me. 

“I’m going to die.”

“You’re not going to die.” He reassured me.

I kicked off my trainers and socks, in hope that my bare feet would grip better then my basketball shoes. 

“Come on, it’ll be fine!” He called.

“Easy for you to say, you’re already up there.”

“Trust me, the view is worth it.”

I rolled my eyes, and despite every centimeter of me screaming, ‘no don’t do it you idiot’, I grabbed the nearest pole, and pushed myself up onto the railing. I wasn’t standing on it though, I was sitting. 

“Okay, now stand up.” Phil looked down at me. I probably looked ridiculous hanging onto a pole for dear life, with my feet almost touching the floor of the jungle gym. 

“This is peer pressure!” 

“No, it isn’t. Now stand up.”

I cling to the pole harder, and lift my knees to my chest, making my feet hit the railing, well still sitting down. I used the pole as leverage to yank myself up.

“See, now don’t look down.” He told me. I could now see his sly smile now that I was almost eye level with him. 

The roof was up to my chest now, but I wasn’t going to un-cling myself to the pole I was now hugging. 

“Grab the roof with one hand.” He told me. I took a deep breath before quickly releasing my left arm from around the pole and onto the roof. “And the other.” 

“No! I’ll fall!” I don’t have enough upper body strength to catch myself from falling either. 

I heard him giggle, then he leaned toward me, and grabbed the hand that was on the roof. He reached for my right arm as well, and took it, with my arm still rapped around the pole. 

“Ready?”

“What are you going to-“ I started; then I felt myself being yanked, and I bellyflopped onto the roof. 

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.” I gasped.

“See, it’s not that hard.” 

I punched him rather hard on his arm. 

“You scared me!” I whined.

“I scared you? What scares me is the fact that you’re legs are still dangling off the side.” I felt my feet kicking in the air.

I rolled around, then pushed myself up to a sitting position. Phil rearranged himself to sit on the right side of me. He folded his legs underneath eachother, causing his knee to by ontop of my legs. I grabbed his knee and lifted it off my leg so I could scrunch myself together with my legs covering my chest, and rapped my arms around my legs. 

I looked up to see the view that he wanted me so badly to see. 

It was beautiful. You could see the tree line glow as the sun gradually sunk behind it. The sky was a dark blue faded into yellow, then into pink. The sun was a bright orange. 

I just stared at it.

That’s all I wanted to do though.

Stare at something beautiful.

Phil POV

I watched for a few moments as the sun sank lower and lower into the sky. As much as I enjoyed looking at the sunset though, I also enjoyed looking to the left of me, where something much more beautiful then a sunset sat. 

I watched as each of the curls lit up with a different shade of brown. Some strands even turned a bright red. I watched his eyes watching the sky. I noticed the flecks of gold in the sea of brown. I looked at the freckles on his shoulder. They were so light, that you wouldn’t have noticed them unless you were trying to. I watched his long fingers tap a beat against his leg to a rhythm only he could here. I noticed the slight discoloration of his neck. I remember how I did that to him last night. How he let me.

I just stared at him.

That’s all I wanted to do though.

Stare at something beautiful.


	28. Quick Thinking

Phil POV

The porch light was on at my house. Mum always forgets to turn on the porch light.

I know what this means.

“Um, Dan?”

We stop at the top steps of my porch, his hand in mine.

“You need to let go of my hand real quick.” He looked at me questioningly. 

“I’ll explain later.”

We just got home from the park, and according to my phone, it was ten at night. The only reason we decided to leave the park is because mosquitoes seemed to be super attracted to Dan (kind of like me, heh) and he was getting tired of getting bit. Even after he put his jacket back on, the mosquitoes still tried to attack his arms. 

I opened the front door quietly, to see if He was inside the living room. 

“There you are, you’re home late!” I opened the door the rest of the way, and motioned for Dan to follow me.

“Dad, you’re home!” I took a glance in Dan’s direction, before going to give my father, who was sitting on the couch with my mum, a hug.

“I got home around eight. Where have you been?” He paid no attention to Dan who was standing in the door frame. 

“I was at a basketball game. Hard to believe, right?” 

“At least you’re starting to show some interest in sports.” He laughed. My dad used to be a high school football coach. He was disappointed when he realized neither of his children appreciated the fine art of football as much as he did. “Whose you’re friend, and why is he here at ten o’clock at night?”

“This is Dan. He’s our neighbor. That one.” I pointed to the general direction of his house. “He forgot something in my room a few days ago, didn’t you Dan?”

“Oh, um yeah. I’ll go get it.” 

He started down the hall.

We both know he didn’t leave anything in my room. 

“You’re going to sports games, and you’re making friends with the players? How did having less of a father figure make you more of a man?” My dad teased. Mum giggled.

My dad was really into ‘making me a man’. He was the one who gave me my cordless hammer drill in the hope that I would build a birdhouse or something.

“Got it,” I heard Dan call from the kitchen. He came back out to the living room with my phone charger. 

“Cool, see you at school.” I said, clearly dismissing him. 

“Later.” He responded calmly, and left through the front door. 

“So what have you been up to?” My father asks me.

Dan POV

I guess I’m not staying at Phil’s tonight after all. I don’t want to have to face my mum, but I have to go to home. 

I didn’t know Phil had a father. Well, I guess just because I don’t have a father means he doesn’t. Why haven’t I ever seen or heard of him? Why doesn’t Phil want me around when he’s there? I remember what he told me, that I can come over whenever I needed to. Does that still stand? 

As soon as I walk through the front door, a pair of arms wrap around me, almost knocking me over.

“I thought you run off!” My mother almost screams at me, as she released me from her death grip.

“Why would I run off?” I asked, before realizing that our little fight we had was just this morning. 

“You were so mad, and- Ugh, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve become such a troublesome child. Sneaking around on you.”

She slapped my arm. “So you are sneaking around, you-“

“It’s not sneaking! I don’t know why I said sneaking! It’s just..” It’s just going to the neighbors house overnight to see a romantic interest of mine without her consent.

“It’s okay. Just don’t do it again. Tell me if you’re going anywhere. You always need to tell me. Who are you going to be with? When are you coming home? Where are you going? You need to tell me these things before you go run off!”

“Sorry.” I apologize. It’s funny that she’s telling me this when I wasn’t even planning on coming home tonight. 

“Thank you for you’re apology, but that’s not all.” She continued, giving my a sly smile.

“Whhaatt?” I groaned. What is she going to do, ground me? 

“For not coming home last night, and making me worried out of my MIND-“

“I came home!” I defended.

“At seven in the morning!”

“I still came home!”

“For not coming home and making me so stressed out, you’re cleaning the entire house for the rest of the month. The entire house. Not just you’re normal ‘clean the bathroom dishes, and taking out the bin’ responsibilities. I don’t want to lift a finger around here until June.”

I shouldn’t complain. The house is small anyways. All I’d have to do is vacuum, mop, dust, clean the windows, do the laundry, wash the sheets, clean the shower, the toilet, the sinks, the… Ew.

“Ugh. Okay.” I guess I kind of deserve it. But she doesn’t need to know I think that.

“Good. Now do you want something to eat? We can order take out?”

I smiled at that. After my games, mum always gets us take out. 

“Chinese?” I ask hopefully.

“If you want.”

“Sweet and sour chicken?”

“Sounds good.”

I don’t know what I was so worried about. My freak-out this morning seems completely stupid now. She’s never even mentioned my ‘boyfriend’ I told her about. 

“I’m going to go shower. I had a game today, if you can’t tell.” I pulled on my jersey, just in case she didn’t see me wearing it.

“No, I can tell. I can smell it.”

“Ew, I’ll go shower right away then.”

She laughed. “I’ll go order dinner.”

“More like midnight snack.”

“Right you are.”

I went into my room, and kicked my dirty clothes that were all over my floor into a pile. I shrugged off my jacket, then through it on my bed. Grabbing some gray sweatpants and a baggy black tshirt, I head to the bathroom to take a shower. 

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. I’m such a mess. My hair isn’t even parted correctly, and it’s sticking on my forehead. The makeup on my neck is starting to wear off. I had forgotten all about the bites.

The bites hurt like Hell when I tried to scrub the makeup off of them in the shower.

Love hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was too tired to think of an actual chapter name sorry. also i've started using the term 'yolo' unironiclly, and someone needs to stop me plz/
> 
> Update: im changing it now lol


	29. Worries

Chap 29

Dan POV

I heard the light switch get flicked on in my bedroom. The black under my eyelids turned red, so I roll over into my pillow to block out the light and let out a groan.

“Time to get up!” Mum pulled the blankets off of me and onto the carpet. 

“Ergh.”

“Do we really have to go through this everyday?” She was my alarm clock, of course we have to do this everyday. We both know without her pestering, I would never get out of bed on time.

“Mhm.” 

“You’ve got forty-five minutes before school starts.”

“Mkay.”

I heard her walk away and then the door shutting softly. I have three fourths of an hour; can’t I go back to sleep? No, then I won’t have time to do the important things, like straighten my hair. Walking to school itself takes around twenty minutes.

I let out a pitiful sigh and rolled off the side of the bed and onto the blankets mum tossed to the floor.

“I’m too comfortable to moooove.” I groaned to myself, with my face buried into the bunched up blankets. So it’s going to be one of those days. 

A loud knock suddenly came from my door. “You up yet!?” Mum’s muffled voice came through the door.

I rolled over so my face wasn’t buried in blankets, then called out a, “Yes!”

I struggled off the floor, then kicked my blankets into a ball under my bed instead of actually making it. I’m to tired to make it. 

I got dressed lazily in my uniform that I never washed yesterday, and sprayed cologne on, which I never do. When I walk out of the room, mum calls to me from the livingroom, “You’re up faster than I expected!”

“Getting the covers ripped off of you will do that!” I called back.

I went to the bathroom and plugged in the flat iron. In the mirror I saw that the mark on my neck hasn’t faded at all. Mum never said anything about it yesterday night. Doesn’t she find it a bit strange that her son let another boy give him a hickey? I would be a bit more concerned if I were her. 

We never did talk about my little confession yesterday morning. All she did was tell me not to run off with out her knowing where I was. She never said anything about who I was with, or what I was doing. Does she not care? She can’t just not care, who doesn’t care about the fact that there son could be gay! Like, I know it’s not as big of an issue anymore, but… I don’t know.

What if she forgot the fact that I screamed at her “Oh my god, okay! I have a fucking boyfriend okay! Shut up about girls would you! Oh my fucking God!”? Doubt it.

I snoop through mum’s makeup bag to find her powdery stuff. Foundation? Concealer? Whatever its called, I take the sponge and pat the bruise on my neck with the nude-colored makeup. It doesn’t look to noticeable if you don’t look right at it, so that’s good. 

As I start to flat iron my hair, yesterday’s situation plays out in my mind. So far, Jack, Caspar, Alfie, Phil of course, Louise, and my mum (even if she never acknowledged it) know about my whole ‘bisexualness’. And that’s a problem. I’m kind of relieved that my mother knows; Louise was the first person I’ve ever told and I trust her fully; I think I should be okay with my boyfriend knowing; but Alfie, Jack, and Caspar are an issue. Well, mostly Alfie. I bet he has already told everyone he knew. He thought it was so funny, and he’s always had a big mouth. What is everyone at school going to think? Caspar and Alfie might have found it funny, but there has got to be someone I know who is disgusted with me. I know people tell you to ignore what others think about you, and to let them think what they want because it’s not there life; but I don’t want anyone to be disgusted by me.

I finish up in the bathroom, grab my bag, and call out a goodbye to my mum before I leave for school. I walk up the path to Phil’s house so we can walk together, but something stops me from climbing the porch steps.

Wasn’t Phil’s father here last night? I remember him acting strangely, almost nervous, when he saw his dad in the living room. He found an excuse for why I was there, which resulted in me stealing his phone charger, and then basically kicked me out. I still need to give back the charger, I’ll remember to do that later. I thought I was welcomed whenever I wanted to come over, but Phil sure did make short work of getting rid of me. Maybe I’m welcomed whenever I want to come over as long as Mr. Lester isn’t around. It’s obvious that Phil doesn’t want his dad to know about, well, us.

Should I knock on the door? Would it seem weird for two neighbors to walk to school together? Not really. But what if his dad answers? Do I just ask for Phil? Is that something that would be okay? Why wouldn’t it be okay? It’s not weird. I’m going to do it.

I climbed the steps, and raised my hand to knock on the door.

The door swung open, and I jumped backwards. 

“Eeep! Oh, Dan, you startled me.” Phil held the doorknob with one hand, and clutched at his chest with the other. His backpack hung loosely from his shoulder.

“I startled you? You scared the shit out of me.” I slapped him on the shoulder. He slapped me back.

We banter about who can hit the hardest (I promise this isn’t sexual!) until I gather up the courage to ask about Phil’s dad.

“So,” I start, “What battery percentage is your phone at?” I decided to start off with a ‘starter’ conversation. Phil will remember that he kicked me out, then he’ll hopefully tell me why, and then I can ask if it had to do with his father being home. That’s the plan, anyways.

“Oh, that’s right, you took my charger. Nice cover by the way.” Cover for what though?

“What was I covering, again?” I didn’t mean for the sentence to come out with an attitude, but it did.

“Oh, um.” Phil looked to the ground trying to think of what to say. Maybe if I said it nicer, he would have just told me, but now it seems like he’s trying to find a lie to tell. “Just- What do you think you were covering?”

And he does the typical, ‘I don’t know what I am suppose to say, so I’ll answer the question with a question’ thing. I hate when people do that. 

“I don’t know what I was covering. I didn’t know I was covering anything. I just know that you wanted me out of the house as fast as possible.” I stop walking, and face him. I cross my arms and give him a ‘you made me feel bad’ pout.

“No! It wasn’t that it was- oh stop looking so down.” He playfully poked me in the side, trying to win a smile from me. I almost cracked. Almost.

“Now I feel bad, stop being sad!” Now he’s the one pouting.

I did a little nose inhale for a laugh, and decided to stop torturing him.

“I’m not sad. Just disapointed.” One more torture, just because it felt like the right thing to say. Before he responded I continued, “No, I’m just kidding. But you were covering something. Where you afraid I was going to pronounce my undying devoted love for you to your father?”

“What? No- This isn’t Romeo and Juliet. Just- I don’t know?” He started walking again, so I had no choice but to join him.

“Did it have anything to do with your father there?”

“No-” His voice was high. I’ve been around long enough to know that’s what people do when they lie.

“Phil?”

“Well,”

“Yes?”

“Well maybe?”

“Explain.”

“Well, maybe I don’t like the idea of my father and my- my- boyfriend,” Why’d he stutter at the word ‘boyfriend’? “In, like, you know?”

“No I don’t know.”

“In, like, the same area.”

“So what I got out of that is that you don’t want you’re father to know that you’re dating a male. So instead of just telling me to not say anything, you panicked, and kicked me out?”

“It wasn’t really ‘kicking out’.” He defends.

“Whatever, but it’s okay to tell me these kind of things, you know?”

“Yeah but-”

“But?” I raise my eyebrows.

“But, like, I’ll have to tell him eventually, right? And then he won’t like it. Like I could tell mum, that would be fine, she wouldn’t mind. I’d tell her not to tell dad. Or my brother.” Oh Phil, you’re brother already knows. 

“Yeah?”

“My dad just wants me to be super mainly. Like, ‘join a professional football team and play the World Cup’ kind of man. Like the ‘sleep with all the women you can before you have to unfortunately settle down’ kind of man. I’m already a disappointment to him.”

“Aww, no one could ever be disappointed in you,”

“You were, like, two minutes ago.” Phil points out.

“Not the point- He’s your dad, he loves you. Right? Correct me if I’m wrong, as I have no clue what your family situation is.”

“Yeah, I guess. He’s just not around a lot so we haven’t had time to form any relationship. Right now all he sees me is, is that ‘smart kid I’ve got’. And if he were to find out, you know? He wouldn’t even understand how- erm.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“You know, erm? Like-” He took a deep breath before rushing out, “I don’t want to be known forever as ‘that gay son I have’. You know?”

“Yeah I get you.”

“So that’s why I kind of did, well- yeah I kind of did kick you out last night.” He finnished.

“I’m not mad about that, just so you know. If I didn’t go back home, I wouldn’t have got to clear things up with my own mum.”

“Oh yeah.” He said, like he had forgotten that was going on in my life.

“Yeah. So now I have new rules. I can’t go anywhere without asking, and I have to clean the entire house for the next month!” I added that last part with an excessive amount of happiness and sarcasm.

“Oh ouch. Did she say anything about-” I knew what he was going to ask.

“No she didn’t. I kind of which she would though. Just so I know that she cares about me.” 

“She hasn’t said anything about you being- not straight?”

“Not at all.”

“Weird.”

“I thought so.”

“My dad talked about you.” Phil started.

“What really?” 

“Yeah, he said he was impressed that I’m friends with someone who is in an actual sport.”

“Wow, did you tell him I don’t even like sports?”

“No, I decided to leave that out.”

“So does he think highly of me now?”

“I don’t know about highly, but he appreciates your sporty-ness.”

“I barely even met him and we are already on good terms, that’s good.’

“Yeah.”

We started to approach the school. What if everyone knew that we were dating now? Is it that big of a deal? Will it be that big of a deal? Neither of us are very popular, but news always seems to spread iin school when two people start dating.

“Do you think people will treat me differently?” I ask him, trying to sound nonchalant about it.

“Why would they?”

“Caspar saw us kiss, and he might have told everyone and-”

Phil stopped walking and grabbed my hand, pulling me back to him. In one swift movement he took my head with his hand, leaned in and kissed me.

My nerves buzzed wild for the few seconds, that seemed more like minutes, until he leaned away.

“Lets stop giving a fuck about what people think.” Phil says confidently.

“Okay.” I whisper back.

That is more easy said then done.


	30. Tempestuous Assessment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to foreverandalways for helping me tons and tons with this chapter.
> 
> Give them pats on the back, hugs, super-mega highfives, and other physical forms of affection. They deserve it.
> 
> *Pretend there is a thousand happy face emojis. Why isn't laptop emojis a thing yet? Come on technology!*

 

Dan POV

 

It wasn’t a life-changing event, the kiss that happened at school. No one mentioned it. Maybe no one had known about it. But even with that relief from knowing that, there still was something that felt wrong.

I feel like I can’t speak,I don’t know if I can. I always can, though. Always. I have the feeling that you get, like you’ve been running too long, and you know it. You can feel your heart racing too fast, too hard. But then there is also an aching. An empty feeling in my chest. It’s like all the anxiety is gone, and even though the previous anxiety was horrible, the aching feeling that fills the hole makes me want to trade the world in order to get it back.

Maybe that was normal?

Even though we promised not to care about what anyone thought of us, we were both extremely reserved in school. I think that Phil may have felt how nervous I was; before I knew if anyone would know about me, about us. All day I tried to keep myself in check. I tried not to say anything that would sound ‘gay’.

Now I’m walking home with Phil. We discuss stupid things, like pokemon and the tv show Wicked Tuna. I tried to ignore my thoughts that were going three hundred kilometers an hour.

I wonder if I should say something to mum when she gets home. Should I wait to see if she says anything? Maybe she’ll never say anything. Maybe she’s embarrassed? Embarrassed that her son has actual romantic feelings for another woman’s son, embarrassed that I ended up this way. Maybe if I bring it up, just hit at the subject, she would want to talk about it?

No, I can’t do that. What if she doesn’t even know? What if she forgot? What if this was all just an awful dream? Honestly, that’s what it feels like. But I know that’s not even true. She knows. The ache in my chest grows as I think of how she might react if I bring it up. She might react badly, and tell me that being bisexual isn’t a thing. That being gay isn’t a thing. That I am just a confused kid who has no idea what it even means to be attracted to someone.

 

“Are you alright?” I got snapped out of my trance, and look over to Phil.

“Fine.” I respond too quickly.

“Why are you shaking? Are you cold?” I stopped walking, and looked down at my body. My hands and arms are wrapped around my torso, fingers jittering. I stop walking abruptly.

“I’m fine.” I snap at him.

“Do you want to come over? We can brew some hot chocolate or something?” Phil suggests.

“Actually, I was assigned a lot of homework. I was kind of thinking I should catch up on my school work tonight.”

“Oh, okay then.”

I don’t know why, but I have a strong urge to be alone right now.

 

We began walking again, and I try to pay attention to our stupid conversation about worthless tv shows, but the throbbing in my skull makes it hard to concentrate.

I’m relieved when we finally got to our street and parted ways. I quickly walk into my house, dropping by bag by the front door, and go straight into my bedroom. I pull the door shut, and throw the blankets that were still on the floor onto the bed. Without properly spreading the blankets, I get into the bed, snuggling the blankets over me until I am fully covered.

My head is pounding. I close my eyes tightly and curled my legs into a ball.The room feels like it’s 0 degrees, but my forehead is dripping with sweat.

My heart and the throbbing in my head are pounding in time together, too allegro to be good for my health.  No, more like prestissimo.

 

What’s happening? Am I having a heart attack? I’m much too young to be having a heart attack. Then why is there a pain in my chest?

Why can I feel the room spinning?

Why is my throat closed off?

Why am I so cold?

Why am I so sweaty?

Why am I am I choking?

I need to stop choking.

I need to breathe.

I need air.

 

I need air.

My lungs need to expand.

But I can’t move.

 

If I can’t move, then why are my fingers twitching violently?

I’m going to puke.

I’m going to puke, then I won’t be able to open my mouth and then I’m going to choke.

I’m choking anyway.

Why can I hear myself breathing? I know I’m not breathing.

I’m not breathing.

I need to breathe.

I’m going to die if I don’t breathe.

 

I’m going to-

 

I’m-

 

* * *

  
  


“Dan?”

The voice is muffled, like the person is underwater. Or better yet, like I am underwater.

“I’m home!”

  
  
  
  



	31. I'm Fine

Chap 31

Dan’s Mum’s POV

“I’m home!” And you better be too. He knows he isn’t allowed anywhere without asking me first anymore. 

I shut the front door behind me, and causally place my keys onto a wooden key ring next to the door. 

“Dan?!” I call out. I pause for a few moments to give him time to answer. 

He doesn’t. 

I peer down the hall and see that his bedroom door is shut. Maybe he’s doing homework? I glance up at the clock that hangs from the wall and see that it’s only 3:30, which means he might not even be here yet. I walk over to his closed door anyway, and knock before opening. 

There is a lump in under the covers, and I can tell that he’s under there.

“Everything alright?” I question. Is he trying to take a nap? He never does that.

I expect to hear a grunt of annoyance, like he normally gives me when I barge in his room, but instead he makes a strange sound, almost like a sob.

Is he okay? Did something happen at school? Is he crying? Is he upset? Should I make him tell me what’s wrong? I decide to walk over to him and pull the blankets away from his face. I’m worried that there’s not enough air circulating under the covers. 

I pull back the covers from around his head to see that I was right. He is crying. 

“What’s wrong?” I ask, taking a seat next to him and starting to rub circles into his back. That used to calm him when he was little.

He kept his eyes squeezed shut, and I could feel how he was shaking slightly. Is he upset or sad? Maybe the reason he is shaking is because he is so upset about something?

Dan’s POV

I couldn’t keep my breathing regular anymore. I’ve been holding my breath ever since mum walked in here. 

I started gasping for breath, but I couldn’t feel my lungs expand. 

I don’t want her to worry about me, but I’m about to die and she needs to get out of here before that happens. I can’t let her see me- 

I can hear the gasps turn into coughs, but I don’t feel like the sound is coming from me. It must be coming from me-

Just go away!

“Just-” My voice cracks, and I don’t finish my thought.

Just-

 

Phil’s POV

I toss my backpack onto the sofa, and walk through the hall into the kitchen. Then I trudge up the stairs, and enter my room, slamming the door behind me. 

What’s his problem? He’s been extremely distant today. I asked him how biology was going at lunch, and he gave me a look that definitely said, “Shut up.” I accidentally bumped into him in the halls and he jumped a meter away. After school -when we met up at the entrance to walk home together- I tried to pull out a string that found itself in his hair, and he froze. After I got it out he looked to see who was around us before relaxing and telling me thanks. He wouldn’t let me hold his hand on the way home. 

I thought he didn’t want anyone to know about us for my sake. That’s what he told me at his game. But it seems like he has his own reasons for being:

Uncomfortable? Scared? Nervous? Worried? I was scared too, so I guess I can’t feel that bad about it. I do though, I feel awful. If I didn’t kiss him he wouldn’t have anything to hide. He wouldn’t be so jumpy, he wouldn’t panic like he did after the basketball game. He wouldn’t be in trouble with his mum. He wouldn’t have to put make-up on his neck. He wouldn’t be so stressed.

I pulled my phone from my pocket and took a seat on my bed. Is it okay to text him? Would he feel uncomfortable, or his he only uncomfortable to talk to me in public? Why would he feel uncomfortable with me texting him? It’s not like anyone else can see a text. It’s not like texting is a public thing.

3:38 pm  
Me: you ok?

3:39 pm  
Dan: yes.

Dan’s POV

“I’m fine now, I don’t need to go to the hospital!” I shouted.

“Please just let me take you!” Mum begged.

“No! I’m fine!” It’s true, I am fine now. I was just…dying…three minutes ago.

“We’re going.”

“No, please!” I plead. She can’t take me to the hospital! What am I going to say? I started involuntarily crying, shaking, and I may have had a small heart attack created by stress? I don’t even know what that was about, but I’m fine now. Just a bit shaken up, that’s all. My fingers are twitching still, and I have a weak throbbing in my head, but mostly I’m embarrassed. Very embarrassed. 

We are both standing at the front door. Mum grabs her keys off of the keyring, and is grabbing my wrist, pulling me closer to the door.

“I’m fine!” I know I wasn’t fine, but I am now. “What is a doctor going to do? There isn’t anything a doctor can do- It’s already happened!” Mum’s just overreacting. 

“No – you weren’t just having a fit, Dan.”

“I’m sure that’s just what it was-”

“Panic attacks aren’t anything to mess around with-”

Panic attack? Is that what she thinks is going on? Why would I have a panic attack? I’ve never had one before, so why start now? I wasn’t even panicking over anything.

“I wasn’t panicking over anything!”

“You don’t have to be panicking over anything to have a panic attack. Those two things are different!”

“No! It says right in its name! ‘PANIC’ attack!” I argue.

“But-”

“Please don’t take me to the hospital! I’m fine!” I plead more.

“What if I call it an anxiety attack? Now will you go to the hospital?”

“I thought you said it was a panic attack!” I argue more. “Those two things are different!”

“It’s the same thing!” 

What have I been anxious about? Well- everything. Maybe I just broke down due to stress. Mum would probably call it a ‘stress attack’.

“We’re going to the hospital.” She said firmly.

“No one goes to the hospital for an anxiety attack- panic attack- whatever the hell you call it!”

“What if it becomes a recurring thing! Maybe the can give you some kind of medica-”

I stop her right there.

“I do not need medication!” 

“Let’s just go in to see what the doctor will say-”

“We can’t just walk into the hospital anyways, mum. We need to schedule a check up or something. You know that takes months.” Or has she forgotten how our healthcare system works?

“I was just going to take you into a clinic-”

“No, I’m fine! It’s not like I lost a leg or anything. It’s all mental, isn’t it?”

“It looked pretty physical to me.”

“Just let it go!”

“I have never been more terrified for you in my life. Actually. You were the one who looked absolutely mortified. I heard you say, ‘I’m choking- I’m choking.’! You stopped breathing, Daniel! Breathing!”

“I’m f-”

“We are scheduling an appointment.”

“Mum- No!”

I tear my wrist from her grip, and open the front door.

“Are you letting me take you to the hospital?” I hear her ask from behind me.

“I’m going to the dog park; I want to pet something.” That is probably the weirdest excuse I could make, but I still can’t think very clearly. 

“I’m still making that appointment. When are you coming back?”

I think about not responding, but I remember how nervous she got the last time I didn’t show up until morning. 

“Before it gets dark.” I respond. I close the door on her and walk a few steps away from the house.

Instead of going to the dumb dog park like I told her- we both know I’m not doing that- I just walk around the left side of the house, and sink against the yellow siding. I lean my head against the house and take in a deep breath. I stare into the strands of ivy that infest Phil’s brick house. Why are all these houses so close together? I can reach the other house with my feet if I stretch out my legs. I press my feet up against the brick house, and lean my back against my own.

What was she going on about a panic attack for? What does that even mean? I sit up for a second to get my phone out of my back pocket, and open up to the browser.

I type in the search bar: 

What is a panic attack?

 

A message notification popped up before I could press ‘search’.

 

Phil <3: you ok?

I should get rid of the heart next to his name, just in case someone gets into my phone and sees it.

Before I respond, I go into my contacts and remove the heart.

Me: yes

Phil: No you’re not don’t lie 

 

Why does everyone not believe me when I say that I’m okay! 

 

Me: yes I am. y dont you believe me

Phil:  
Because I can see you contemplating your life outside my window. 

 

He can see me?

I look over to the window that leads into their office-- which is a couple meters right of me-- then I look up and to the left, and see a shade pulled up revealing Phil looking down on me from one of his bedroom windows. I can tell it’s his bedroom from the ghastly blue and green wallpaper behind him. 

I return my attention to my phone.

 

Me: oh

Phil: can I join you in your contemplation?

 

Do I want to talk to him? I don’t have to tell him about my little...fit. Maybe if I just tell him some of the things I’m worried about, like having my mother hate me or having people just assume things about me.

Me: please?

Phil: I’ll be right down.

I look back up to the window just in time to see him walk away from my visibility.

I quickly go back to my browser and press the search button. I want to find out what a panic attack is before he gets down here.

A bunch of medical articles pop up: 

“Symptoms of Panic Attacks”

“How a Panic Attack Happens”

“Living a Stress Free Lifestyle.”

I press on an article labeled “Panic Attack Symptoms”. 

I re-read the heading and then skim through the worthless stuff to find what I was looking for.

“Racing Heart.  
Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy.  
Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers.  
Sense of terror, or impending doom or death.  
Feeling sweaty or having chills.  
Chest pains.  
Breathing difficulties.  
Feeling a loss of control.

“Panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes, although some of the symptoms may persist for a longer time. People who have had one panic attack are at greater risk for having subsequent panic attacks than those who have never experienced a panic attack. When….”

I heard a door slam shut, and I quickly exited out of the browser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> foreverandalways - what a great beta-er
> 
> they're taking my 4/10 writing and turning it into a 6/10. 
> 
> A+, topnotch, gold star, highfives, fistbumps, and other forms of praise.


	32. Daydreams are Better and Worse than Reality

Phil’s POV

“Hey.” I say, sinking to the ground next to him. I put my legs on top of his and lean against the back of his house.

“Hi.” He responds quietly, pushing his hair out of his eyes.

“What’s up?” He looks sad, tired, or disappointed. I’m not sure which, but either way his face looks crestfallen.

“Just sitting.”

“Yes, I see that. Any reason why you’re out here?”

“Yeah.” I wait for him to continue. He doesn’t.

“What’s that?”

“I felt like going outside. It was getting kind of heated inside, if you know what I mean.”

“No, I have no clue what you mean.”

“Just a bit of some good ol’ mother-son tension.” Dan responds, then he leans his head against my shoulder. 

Tension about what? Is this about his sexuality? Is his mum giving him a hard time? What if she wants him out of the house now? Where would he go? We have a spare room if he-

He cuts off my frantic thoughts by adding: “It’s not anything bad.” I can feel the warmth of his breath against my shoulder, “I just got a bit carried away with something. She thinks it is just the huge deal that I got so carried away by…” He trails off. 

“You’re not making any sense, but if you need me for anything-?”

“Yeah.” He finalizes.

“Yeah,” I repeat warmly.

He closes his eyes, and I place a kiss lazily on the side of his head. 

I study the bricks of my house in front of me. A scenario starts to play in my head…

 

What if Dan’s mum kicked him out? He would come knocking on my door, tears in his eyes. 

“What’s wrong, sweety?” I would say, voice filled with concern. 

“I-I…” He would stumble over his words, and I would instantly know what was wrong. As if on cue, rain would start pouring down, matching the tears of a newly abandoned child. 

“Come in, come in!” I would insist, and he would join me.

Mum would be in the kitchen baking brownies, and dad would be out of the country or something. Mum would hear the door close shut, and come out into the living room to see the sobbing Dan holding on to me as if his life depended on it.

“Dan needs a place to stay.” I would tell her. She would as no questions as she welcomes the poor soul into our home. He would take Martin’s room for the time being. 

During the night he would sneak into bedroom. 

“I’m cold…” He would say, as he stands in my doorframe. His hair would be slightly tussled, and one half of his shirt would be tucked into his sweatpants. 

“I’m warm.” I say as an invitation. He would step inside, softly shutting the door behind himself. Thoughts of last weeks ‘platonic’ strategy went through my mind. I smile at the thought of how silly that was. He would carefully slide himself under the covers with me, and I take his cold hands into my warm ones. We snuggle together close. I lay a claiming kiss to his lips as if to say, ‘this one’s mine’. And he will nod lazily, as if agreeing to the meaning behind the kiss. He would shyly ask for more kisses until they start happening so frequently that he doesn’t have time to ask for them. 

We only stop when I hear his mutter a quiet, ‘wait’. Thinks are silent for a few moments before he gathers all the courage left in his heart to speak again. 

“I love you”. It is spoken clearly, and I grin ear to ear as I give the reply, “I love you”, back. 

Before dawn he would leave to go back into his own bedroom. And every night we could have the luxury of being together without caring about the consequences. 

I would help him with his school work everyday. He would help me apply for universities and criticize each one, as he tells me that I’m too good for every single school we look at. 

I would go to every single one of his basketball games, home or away. Mum would attempt to attend as many as she could. Dad still wouldn’t be home from wherever he had gone to. 

And if mum wasn’t around to bake us any sweets, we would bake them ourselves. He would read off the ingredients as I get them out. I would complain about him licking off of the spoon, which he replies to slyly by saying something along the lines of: “Do you want me to lick something else then?” Which I just roll my eyes to. 

And when we randomly see each other around the house, we would randomly take each other’s hands, or give each other short kisses. And I would do the same. 

He would be cooking something in the kitchen, and I would sneak up behind him, and wrap my arms around his waist. He would jump slightly, but then just laugh it off, awarding my ability to give him a fright with a quick kiss to the cheek. 

Sometimes I would catch him leaving the bathroom after a shower, hair still dripping, shirt in his hand instead of on his body. If no one were home I would go up to him and press my mouth to his hungrily, rubbing his shoulders as he begins to kiss back. He would drop the shirt to the floor and wrap his arms around me as I continue to rub up and down his shoulders. 

We would play video games after school. I would always lose. I would always tell him that I let him win. He would just roll his eyes at me. 

We would go shopping together, picking up groceries, clothing, and the like. We would argue about prices versus quality, and I would always try to sneak something silly, such as a turtle-shaped straw or an ice cube tray that makes the ice look like different shapes, into the cart without his knowing. 

We would cuddle on the upstairs couch well watching hideous TLC television shows and lifetime movies.

We would-

 

“Mum’s going to get worried if I don’t come in soon.” Dan says to me, snapping me out of my daydream. 

“Do you need to go in then?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Oh, okay.” I untangle our legs, and he removes his head from my shoulder. 

As he stands up I say to him, “Love?” He blushes at the name, and replies with a questioning hum. “You going to be alright?”

“Yeah.” He replies softy. 

“I’ll see you soon.” 

“Stand up for a second,” He asks me more than tells me. 

As soon as I get to my feet, he wraps his arms around me quickly. Before I can comprehend what he is doing, he pushes our lips together roughly. The distinct sound of lips pulling apart litters the quiet neighborhood.

He holds on for a minute longer before pulling away, and soon I am left alone in the two feet of side yard between his house and my own.


	33. Mums

Phil’s POV

I stand there even after he’s gone; my stomach is doing that silly turning thing (I refuse to call it ‘butterflies’), and I could still feel the missing pressure against my lips. 

I was tempted to follow him; he still never told me why he was sitting out here. Not fully, anyway. I wonder if wanting answers to things that aren’t my business is nosy. But then again, it is my – boyfriend – that I’m worried about. Maybe it’s my job to be a little nosy. 

I go inside after a few minutes more of standing in the same place that Dan left me. 

“You’re lucky it was me and not you’re father.” I jump as mum calls from somewhere in the house.

“Are you talking to me?” I shout back, wandering into the hall to find what room the voice came from.

“You’ve never been very sneaky, have you?” She continues, and I follow her voice into the office. She’s sitting at the computer, and swivels the chair around to face me standing in the doorframe.

“Me?” I ask again, because I have know idea what she’s talking about.

“Yes, you, silly.”

“What did I do?” I ask, still not getting it.

“I’m not mad at you, it’s okay.”

“What did I do?” I ask again.

“You know, I never liked how close these houses were.” She teases. 

I notice something right away, and… Oh.

“I-”

“But, if you do that’s okay too.”

“Um, no, I-”

“There is some benefits of having neighbors so close-”

“Oh my gosh, stop.” I beg.

“Oh my gosh, no” She mimics. 

“Don’t tell dad.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Don’t tell Martin.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Just, forget it.” I groan, because now I know what she’s on about.

“Oh, no I don’t think that will be happening. Everything makes a lot more sense now. Your ‘Paris’ and your ‘staying up to do homework at eleven p.m.’.”

“Okay- that’s enough-”

“Oh and that whole ‘I’m not feeling well’, I’m guessing that was part of it.”

“No- just-”

“You’ve never been so interested in basketball in your entire life. You should stop- your father thinks you want to join the team or something.”

“Okay- okay-”

“And you’ve been pretty happy lately. Oh, and remember when you brought him home when you dad was here! Oh gosh, I could just see the panic in your eyes! I was close to laughing, I really was.”

“Right, well I’m just going to go up to my room now-”

“And, just so we’re clear, what your father doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Is that clear?” She is suddenly very serious – and I know why.

“We’re clear.”

“Okay, you’re done being teased.” She says, letting me leave, finally. 

I turned around, and before I could fully get out of the room, she adds. “And Daniel is such a nice boy, treat him good.” Her teasing voice is back once again.

I hurry out of the room before she can add anything else. I climb up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut. 

Just… Christ. 

In our little office, I noticed something right away. The thick, dark blue curtain that normally covers that window was opened. It has always had a great view of that two foot space between ours and the neighbor’s house. 

 

Dan’s POV

“Will you stop leaving!” She screams at me as soon as I come inside. Should have expected this.

“I didn’t. I just sat outside.”

“Oh.”

“You told me not to leave without telling you where I was going. I didn’t leave.”

“You told be you were going to the fucking dog park. We both knew that was bullshit.”

“Yeah, I was going to,” I lie, even though I don’t need to, “But I decided I didn’t want to walk anywhere.”

“Do we even have a dog park around here?”

“I don’t know.” I answer truthfully. She just rolls her eyes.

“I love you, even if you are a pain.” Now I roll my eyes.

“Thanks.” 

 

Being loved... It hurts you. It can either rip you're heart open or cause it to clench tight. 

Sometimes it does both.

Sometimes it brings you tears. 

And even when I do roll my eyes at her statement, my eyes start to water from the words. Because she loves me.

She said so herself.

She loves me. 

What's so wrong with me that I can't even believe it anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't update in a month, which is why I posted this chapter today. I need to make up for my month lost. 
> 
> See, the thing is, i'm not good with long chapters. you should know this by now, but i really am terrible at them. I think maybe a few short chapters more frequently would be easier. I say this because the month that i didn't write anything was because i was trying to write a chapter that was actually lenghty, but i didn't know what to write about. So i didn't. Then i scraped the entire idea, and wrote a chapter in one hour. Thus, chapter 32 was born. Then today, i thought, 'well, i feel bad for not posting, and i kind of want to write, lets do another chapter!' which happens to be one of the shortest chapters i have ever created. Thus, chapter 33 was born.
> 
> I don't know what i am trying to acomplish here. maybe i just want to say, hey, sorry i make short chapters! or maybe its a, hey, sorry i don't update often! Idk what i'm doing right now. hi! disregard everything that i am saying right now as i have no idea what i am talking about!


	34. Now I Get Why You Called Me At Midnight

Phil’s POV

The bright screen of my phone lights up my previously pitchblack bedroom. I wince into the light, and unplug my phone from it’s charger.

Dan!: i can’t sleep  
Received – 12:32 AM

I immediately press ‘call’.

I roll off the bed, phone still in hand, and close the door to my room. Mum doesn’t need to hear.

“Hi.”

“Why can’t you sleep?” I ask, flopping back onto the bed. 

“I don’t know.”

“Well it’s a good think I’m still up too.”

He laughs, but my phone’s speakers dissociate the sound.

“Go downstairs.” 

“Why?”

“So I can see you, duh.” He sasses.

“Well, my dad’s here and I don’t want to wake him up.” I hesitate. As much as I would like to go meet Dan, I equally don’t want to wake up my father. He’d probably ask why I was going downstairs and I wouldn’t be able to give him an answer.

“Who gives a fuck what other people think.”

“Don’t use my own line against me.”

“Don’t tell me it if you don’t believe it yourself.”

“Well, I was talking about our classmates. Now we are talking about a father who has ultimate authority over me.”

“No one has authority over you.” Dan spits, annoyed that I would even say that. 

“But-”

“You can do whatever you want.”

“Well, technically yes, but that wouldn’t be wise.”

“Fine. If you don’t want to see me just stay so.” 

“No! It’s not that! I want to see you just-”

“Just?” He interrupts.

“Just I don’t want to be interrogated on why I am up at one in the morning.”

“It’s only twelve fourty five.”

I whisper a ‘fuck it’ under my breath. “Okay, I’m coming.”

I slowly open my door, making sure it doesn’t creek. Then take long strides down the hallway so my footsteps aren’t heard, and tread lightly downstairs. I risk being less careful with my steps once I get downstairs, and walk faster through the kitchen and into the hall. The office door is open, and the only light that comes from the room is the light that illuminates the closed curtains. 

“You still on the phone?” I ask before approaching the window.

“Yeah.”

“You can hang up now.”

And he did. 

I practically run up to the window, and then gently move them aside. Dan’s waiting at his desk with a stupid grin on his face. Some of his fringe is curling at the ends and is spread messily across his forehead. 

I slide the window open and relax my arms against the opening.

“Hi.” He says quietly, continuing to grin.

“Hi.”

“Are you going to come in?”

“Okay.” 

Dan got up from his desk to move out of my way. He was wearing my black t-rex shirt. He seems to be wearing that a lot recently, not that I mind or anything. 

I pull myself up onto the window’s ledge, then stretch out my legs so I could reach the other window. I grabbed onto the top and swung myself it, across Dan’s desk that is inconveniently in the way.

As soon as I am stable, Dan wraps his arms around my waist.

“I missed you.” He says, breath against my neck. 

“It’s only been a few hours.” I chuckle.

“That’s too long.” And with that he pulls me into a rough kiss. My hand sneaks its way to the back of his head and I tangle my fingers into his hair. The more I pull on the hair, the more curls reveal themselves. So naturally, that’s what I do.

“Could you really not sleep, or was that just an excuse for me to come over in the middle of the night.” I say after I pull away.

“Both? You know- mum’s ran off to the casino.” Dan attempts to say this seductively, but ultimately fails, which causes me to giggle. “What? What are you snickering about?” Dan pulls apart from me, and I roll my eyes and pull him back in. 

“You are slightly adorable.” I give him a peck.

“Adorable? I don’t think”, my body goes rigid as I feel his cold hands sneak up underneath my shirt, “adorable is what I was going for.”

I can’t think of a proper response to that, so instead I kiss him again. He shuffles backwards, pulling me with him, until the back of his leg hits his mattress. I’m the one to push him down onto the bed.

“No marks, please. It’s hard enough to cover these.” He rubs his neck, which slightly uncovers the discoloration of skin.

“’Kay.” I crawl on top of him. He runs his hands up my shirt again, but this time I don’t freeze. Instead I take the opportunity to pull it off, and toss the shirt somewhere onto the floor. 

“Wait-” I say, and Dan quickly removes his hands from my bare waist. “How about this. How about I can’t leave marks”, and when I start to lift up Dan’s shirt, it’s his turn the freeze, “where people can see them?”

“Found the loophole, have you?” Dan asks breathlessly. 

I strip of his shirt for him, and let it join my on the floor. To answer his question, I graze my lips to his side, earning a moan that is quickly covered. 

“No one’s home.” I mutter without completely removing my mouth from his skin, reminding him that noises don’t have to be covered up.

“Window’s open.”

God damn it. I force myself off, and go quickly to the window, slamming it shut. I look back over to him, and my entire body lunges. His hair is sprawled out over the duvet, the waistband of his boxers are clearly visible now that his shirt is removed, and his eyes are closed shut, mouth slightly open. 

“Where were we?”


	35. Pros and Cons

Chap 35

Dan’s POV

There is just something about laying next the person you care about most in the world that makes you rethink your existence. It took a lot of thinking, but I have finally came to the conclusion, as I lay in the arms of this man that I really just ‘met’, that he is currently the most important thing in my life right now. And that prospect is terrifying. No person should be dependent on another. No one should let a person impact their life like he had mine. For better, and also for drastically worse. I’ve never felt this much anxiety in my entire existence, but somehow that’s an okay symptom in exchange for the happiness he brings me. If I were to make a pro’s and con’s list about being in love, it would be a ratio of 1:2, with twice as many cons as pros. But it’s moments like this that makes the inconceivable ratio worth wild. I think I might just do that later. Make a list of pro’s and con’s about my situation. I probably should weight the list too. Make each pro and each con weigh a different level of importance. Maybe then I can try to convince myself that the pros don’t have to outnumber my cons, just outweigh them.

It’s Wednesday morning. I am naked in bed with another person who is also naked in my bed.

Oh my god.

I had sex.

I had sex with my boyfriend of only a fucking _week_. Can males be sluts? Is that what I am now? Jesus I am so _stupid_. Why had I-

But wait. It was totally me who initiated it. Deep breath. In. Out.

But wait again- Was it really sex? Maybe not, depending on viewpoint. What really defines _sex_? Is it defined my intimate pleasure? Penetration? Orgasm as the result of intimacy with other person? What counts as losing virginity? Why do I even care?

Would it change anything, having call it _sex_ or _messing around_? Would it still make me feel like this is way too fast, and that I can’t fall in love with someone I’ve only been talking to for half a month?

And more importantly, am I even in love? Do I, being the heartless, soul sucking dementor that I am, _love_ the lanky nerd known as Philip Michael Lester? Do I even have the capability?

I really need to make that pro’s and con’s list.

  
Phil’s POV

I wake to a gentle shoving and a, “Come on, it’s almost six, you need to leave.”

“Morning to you too.”

“I’m serious, my alarm clock broke last year and I never got around to buying a new one. My mum wakes me up in the mornings.”

I groan and roll out of the bed lazily.

“Put some clothes on.” Dan throws a pillow at my head.

“You.” I refuse, but scoop up my gray sweatpants from the floor anyway and slip them on.

“Already did.” And he removes his leg from his blanket to show me the loose fabric around his legs. “Now leave before mum comes barging in.”

“Though she was out all last night?”

“She probably is home now. Now get out of here before she sees you.”

“Pushy.”

“Sorry.”

I scoop up my shirt and slip that on as well.

“Alright, I’m going, I’m going. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes, I know.”

Should I say it? Would that be a bad idea after last night? Is ‘I love you’ a good thing to say after spending the night for the first time at you’re boyfriend’s? Would I mean it? Would it be genuine?

Of course it would be.

“I love you.”

There were seconds of hesitation, and I tried to read his illegible facial expression. Is he trying to find a way to tell me that he doesn’t? Is he trying to figure out an exuse to not tell me the words back? I understand hesitating for a moment, but this is seconds of silence.

“I love you too.” He responds carefully, as if trying out the words for the first time.

At least he didn’t say, ‘okay’, which is was I was bracing myself for.

  
Dan’s POV

“I love you.”

Oh no. How do you respond to that? ‘I know.’ No, that’s horrible. ‘Thanks’ No no no, that might just be worse. Should I just say it back? Would it just be words, or would it mean something? Just say it back, just say it back, just-

“I love you too.”

He seemed happy with that response, thank God.

As soon as he was out of the window, with one last wave goodbye, I climed out of my bed, pulled the shirt on the floor on, and sat down at my desk.

I normally never close my blinds, but I tug on the string, successfully shutting out the little natural sunlight that could make its way into my room. I pull open the top draw of the desk, and pull out a notebook and a pencil. I write:

PROS:  
Dates 3  
Kisses 4  
Free shirts 1  
Having someone to live for 5  
Having someone to care for 5  
Someone to take care of me 3  
Cuddles 3  
Someone to help with my homework 2  
Paris? 2  
Being in Love 5

CONS:  
People thinking im gay 4  
People not being okay with me dating a boy 5  
Hiding him 5  
His family not knowing 5  
Sneaking around 5  
Losing friends 5  
People hating me 5  
People hating him 5  
The possibility of either of us getting hurt 5  
Explaining for the rest of my life that, no I am not gay 5  
He will be leaving for university 4  
Possibility of heartbreak 3  
Having to depend on someone 4  
Less time for other friends 4  
Arguments 1  
Anxiety 3  
The panic attack 3  
Stress 4  
Avoiding the ‘gay’ standards 4  


1- least important  
5- most important

  
Okay, so maybe the cons outnumber and outweigh the pros. But maybe if I bend the scale a little?

Under the Pros coloumn I change  
‘Being in love 5’

to

‘Being in love 500’.

There. Now the pros outweigh the cons.

God, I’m so stupid.


	36. Seriously?

Phil’s POV

When I got home, my parents weren’t up, which was surprising. I internally thank all the God’s I can think of, though, because now I don’t have to go through the horrible conversation of explain how I can go out where ever I want because I am an adult. What a childish thing to express, also. It’s like when you try talking to a thirteen year old about doing chores, and they old response is that ‘I’m a teenager now I can do whatever I want!’. So, yeah, I’m glad I get to avoid that conversation.

I quickly dart up to my room and thrown on my uniform, not bothering to look in a mirror until I get to the bathroom to quickly brush my teeth.

I see dad coming down the stairs when I get out of the bathroom. He looks quite grumpy, so I decide not to say anything to him. I normally would try to make someone who looks crabby feel better, but I know that when it’s my dad we’re talking about, there isn’t much you can say to make him any less ornery. 

I am all the way to the front door, throwing on my backpack, when dad notices me leaving. He says a quick, ‘See you after school’, which is weird, because I didn’t expect him to talk to me at all. Maybe he’s being nicer to me because he’s gone all the time? No, that doesn’t sound like him.

I slam the front door closed, and take a seat on the bench next to it so I can wait for Dan to be ready. He always takes longer. Must being doing his hair and other things people do when they actually care about their appearances. It’s pretty cute.

I hear a door open, and look over to his house to see swing his backpack over one shoulder and a small duffle bag on the other. He must have practice or something. Maybe I’ll stick around after school and watch a bit. Would that be weird? Maybe that would be to weird.

I go over to meet him on the pavement. 

“Practice today?” I ask him. I notice that we immediately start to walk in step together. Doesn’t that mean we’re creating a bond or something? I don’t know. Just heard that somewhere.

“Unfortunately, yes. Hate practice. Hate games, too.”

“Seriously, why don’t you quit?”

“I don’t think I’ll do it next year. But the season’s almost over so why quit now?”  
“I guess that makes sense.”

A few minutes later, I rub my eyes, and they start to sting a bit. “Ow?”

“What?”

“Nothing. Eye just hurts.”

“Well, did you ever take out you’re contacts yesterday?” Dan asked, concerned.

“That’s why.”

“Do you need to go back and get some eye drops or something?”

I pause my walking. I really didn’t want to go back, but I probably should take my contacts out after wearing them for probably twenty four hours straight. 

“Yeah, I probably should.”

“We’ll be late. But whatever.”

“You go on without me, I’ll be fine. Don’t be late just because of me.”

“No, I really don’t care that much. I’ll come with you.”

I internally sighed. I honestly didn’t care if Dan was late or not. Well, I shouldn’t say that, of course I cared. But that wasn’t the reason I wanted Dan to just go without me. I really don’t want Dan and dad around the same area. 

“Okay.” Why did Dan have to be like this?

When we got to my house, I could here a loud conversation before I even opened the door. I walked inside the house, Dan following behind me.

“-Graduating soon, so maybe he won’t need it? I’ll have to ask him later. Remind me.” Dad was talking on the phone in the living room. He looked up as Dan shut the front door behind him. “Oh, never mind. He just came in. Hold on a secound.”

“Who are you talking to?” I asked, understanding that he was talking about me to someone.

“Martin. He wants to know how long you’re going to be using you’re room. I told him that you’ll always have you’re room here, but he wanted to ask anyways.”

“Why does he want my room?”

“Something about making it into his own personal office. I told him he should just use the one downstairs.”

“He doesn’t need my room? And why does he need an office?” 

“Well, he just got offered some online internship some place, can’t remember where. But it’s a work at home deal. Just making out reports and that kind of work. I’ll just tell him you can’t have your room.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, shouldn’t you be in school?”

“My eyes are bothering me. Just switching to my glasses real quick.”

Dad didn’t respond. He didn’t even look at Dan as he returned to his phone conversation.

“You still there? He said no, I told you he would. Well, just use the one downstairs!”

“Come on.” I tell Dan, and go threw the hall into the kitchen and up the stairs. 

“Go find my glasses for me. They should be next to my bed, I need to get these out.” I shoo Dan away before going into the bathroom.

So, I guess I was making a big deal out of nothing. He didn’t even take a secound look at me bring Dan with me. I wince as I take out one contact, which leaves the eye red and scratchy. 

“Got them.” I hear Dan behind me. 

“Thanks.” I bite my tongue while taking out the secound contact. 

“Doesn’t this feel just domestic?” Dan says, as he hands me the glasses.

“Domestic?”

“Just, being here. Getting you’re glasses.”

“I guess.”

“I think it is. It’s pretty cute.”

I avoid telling Dan that he should be talking like this right now. Not when certain people are under the same roof as us. He leans over and kisses my cheek, which I try not to scowl at. Not the place. Not the time.

“Why are you being so crabby all of a sudden?” Dan questions, looking offended. Maybe I didn’t hide my scowl hard enough.

“I’m not.” 

“Okay, I beg to differ though.”

I shove the glasses on, still annoyed by the slight burning feeling in my eye.

We go back down stairs, and Dad is still talking to my brother.

“Accounting’s not what you wanted to do, though. Yeah, I know it’s just an internship, but why would-”

Dad pauses his conversation to look over at me as I start to open the front door.

“Don’t be late!” He calls out to us, then, “Got a game today, sport?” He directs to Dan.

“No, just practice. The next game we have is Monday.” Dan replies simply. Oh no. They’re talking. 

“Who’s it against?” Stop having conversation, please.

“East Kenning, it’s a home game.”

“They’re a tough school, aren’t they?” Stop this madness.

“In football, sure. But when it comes to basketball there pretty sh- bad.” Dan stops himself from saying shit.

“When I was in school, it was Gerald that had the shit team. But times change, I guess.”

“Time’s must not change that much, though. Gerald is the shittist team in the league.” Everyone needs to stop this banter, right now.

“Doesn’t surprise me, there. There football coach, Charlie Frocker? Horrible player. Horrible coach. Knew him for ages.”

“I don’t know too much about other school’s football teams, but there basketball team is the worst.”

“Yeah, probably. I’ll let you go now, don’t be late! No, not you, Martin.”

“Later.” Dan says, leading the way outside. I slam the door behind me.

“Seriously?” I ask him.

“What?” He responds, confused.

“It just scares me when you start talking to my parents.”

“That’s weird.” 

“I just don’t want anything to slip. You know?”

“I guess that makes sense. You’re dad seems pretty cool though.”

“No don’t say that.” I whine exasperatedly. 

“Why?” 

“If anyone would be against are little, affair, we having going on. It would be him.”

“Affair? Do you even know what that means?”

“Not like, cheating, but like- you know what I mean!”

“So… prejudice?”

“Yeah. Prejudice.”

“Then I won’t fuck you in front of your dad. Wasn’t planning on doing that anyway, though.”

“Dan!” I slap his arm. “You’re not getting it!” 

“I get it, I get it. I’m just joking around, Jesus.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I do get it, though. I won’t say anything about… anything around him.”

“Thank you.”

“But beside that he seems pretty cool.”

“He would literally hate you if he knew you were gay.”

“First, I’m not gay, thanks. Secound, they he hates me. Whatever.” It wasn’t a ‘whatever’ a few days ago when he outed himself to his mum, now was it? Maybe he’s just faking his cool with the situation. But no matter, Dan really didn’t understand that the situation now is the same as his situation literally a day ago, and it was making me annoyed.

“Yep. Whatever.” I repeat, expressing my annoyance with him.


	37. The End

Dan’s POV

Phil was really starting to piss me off. All week long he would scowl at me if I made some inappropriate joke, and would always push me away if we started walking to close together. What is his deal, anyway? It’s like he is trying to avoid me as much as possible, too. I’d ask him to come over after school and he always gives the excuse of having too much homework, or that he needed to clean the house or he had to go someplace with his parents. It was really starting to get on my nerves.

Then the realization crossed my mind. He’s not ready to be with me, is he? I get it; he isn’t out and needs to keep a low profile. Yeah, whatever. But, come on, keeping a low profile doesn’t mean avoiding me! The more I think about it, the more I don’t like what’s going on with our relationship. I hate sneaking around! I hate not being able to hold hands while walking around town! I hate that he’s going off to college in a few months and I won’t be able to see him for long periods of time!

This isn’t working.

I know he’s not going to do anything about our situation. He thinks it’s fine! Oh, it’s normal to be so afraid of who your dating that it controls your entire life! Well, I don’t want to life like that! Besides, I’m not gay! I don’t have to have that kind of relationship if I don’t want to! I could date a girl and all that drama would be gone.

My mind went blank as I sat on my porch steps, and as I gazed at nothing in particular across the street, the thought crossed my head again.

I don’t have to have that kind of relationship if I don’t want to.

I’m being too rash, though, aren’t I? Things could change. I could make Phil change, right? I changed, so why can’t he? Wait, that’s stupid. People can’t change people. I should know better. Okay before this gets too out of hand, I need to make a pro’s and con’s list.

I ran through the front door and into my room, slamming it shut in the process. Paper… I need paper. Here’s some – I ripped a sheet out of my math notebook. Now I need a pen – there’s a red sharpie on the floor: that will work. Okay, lets see…

Phil’s not ready for this kind of relationship; that’s obvious. Con.  
He’s moving soon. Con.  
I have to deal with annoying homophobes for the rest of time. Con.  
I have to come out all the time. Con.  
I like being around him. Pro.  
We moved too fast in our relationship. Con.  
We could go to Paris together. Pro.  
Sneaking around. Con.  
I can’t hold his hand at Tesco. Con.  
I like his family. Pro.  
We have fun together. Pro.   
Kissing. Pro.

I can’t just – just dump him though. He’s my best friend. We haven’t even known each other that long, but I can’t imagine not being around him.

That’s it! I found my solution. We can be best friends. We don’t have to date at all! I do love him, I think, and people love their best friends. It’s not the same love, but what’s wrong with a different type of love. We’d just have to get use to it that’s all!

I looked back down at my list. I’m being stupid, aren’t I? Why am I even thinking about this? He’s been a little off for a week, but that doesn’t mean I should break up with him. That’s dumb. We have a perfectly healthy relationship. Normal couples argue. They ignore each other. They hide their relationship from others. Well, maybe not the last two, but still. Maybe were not a normal couple, but who cares! It doesn’t mean it is unhealthy. Maybe I like sneaking through the window of the office to see him…

The realization struck. I have an unhealthy relationship. We can fix this though! That’s what couples do. I can tell Phil what’s bothering me and we can work it out. That is if he ever lets me talk to him alone again, and stops avoiding me.

We need to fix this.

 

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” I jog up to Phil as I spot him walking through the school hall with some friends from biology. The bell had just rang, signifying the long awaited 3:00 P.M. release.

“Sure, what is it?” Oh, good. He wasn’t going to ditch me like he normally did after school. But after a few seconds I figure out he is waiting for me to talk while all of his friends are still surrounding us.

“Alone?” After I said that he gave a quick look toward his friends to judge their reaction. None of them looked any different, but he didn’t want them to think anything. That happened a lot. Phil would check to see if his friends could figure out our relationship status based on a simple conversation. It was really annoying.

“Um, not now. We’ve got to turn in our project for Biology.” He avoids my eyes.

“Then I’ll come with you and we’ll talk after you do that.” I say stubbornly.

“Fine, whatever.”

I follow him to a teacher’s office, then walk out with him and his friends to the courtyard. He made a point of not including me in the conversation. He probably wanted me to leave as long as he was still with his buddies. The thought angered me.

“I hope my section on aquatic food chains is detailed enough.” Phil mentions to his friends.

“Dude, you wrote two pages on algae alone. I think you’re good.” Some guy I don’t know replies. Phil knows I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

Phil was about to mention his portion of the project when I finally interrupt. “Phil?” Phil silently cringes.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Phil waves off his friends and lets them walk ahead of us. “What?”

“This isn’t working.” I rush. Phil looks down at his feet. Why did he do that?

“What isn’t working?”

“This set up. You ignore me until we’re alone. It’s not healthy.” This makes Phil pause, and look back up at me.

“I talk to you everyday.” Phil questions.

“But…” I lower my voice to a whisper, “Not how we use to.”

“Yes I have! I—,”

“What happened? You’ve been giving me the cold shoulder for a week? Did I say something wrong?”

“You know what, you did.” Phil suddenly gets a temper that wasn’t their a second ago. “You’re a hypocrite, Dan. You were as scared as I was about how people saw us, and now that you’re are out and everything you expect me as casual about this as you are!”

That took me by surprise. Phil was going to blame our fall out on me? This entirely his fault! He started it! And I was going to end it, one way or another. “It’s not my fault you aren’t ready and I am. I’m ready, Phil! I’m thinking about how this impacts you! How it impacts both of us! And if you are just going to ignore me for days at a time then –”

“Then what?” Phil spit.

“Then I’m done with whatever this,” I gesture between the two of us, “is.”

Phil seems to notice how our voices grew louder, and checks around us for any eavesdroppers. What a coward.

“You said you loved me.” Phil whispers angrily. “Why are you doing this?”

“I do! But if this is how are relationship is going to be –”

“I can’t tell anyone! You know I can’t!”

“I know. And I’m not going to sneak around with you anymore. It’s not healthy. Our relationship is not healthy, Phil. I’m done with it. I love you, but I’m done.”

“If you really loved me you would wait for me.”

“If you really loved me you would want me to be happy with someone I can have a normal relationship with.”

“Fine.” Phil breathes out. I can feel my face radiate with heat from frustration. I wonder how red my face is right now.

“Fine.” I turn from him and stomp off in the opposite direction.

It’s best this way. Phil is free. I am free. I don’t have to worry about what will happen next year when he goes to college. Phil can figure himself out now, without having to be tied down to someone who already knows. Somehow I couldn’t help but think that he will come back to me someday.

I turn back to face him after stomping a few feet away. He is stood in the same spot, expressionless. “You are my best friend, Phil. People love their best friends.”

Then I watch as Phil runs his hand through his hair, grabs a strap on his backpack, and turns around before walking away.

 


End file.
